i have been working so hard this week. And last week too.
Maybe I’m a wuss. I know there are those people who work 60 hours a week on a regular basis. I’m losing my mind with 50.
Part of my problem this week is that I had my expectations raised. I HOPED for stuff. Expectations are crazy stuff. I think I’m better off having expectations, HOPES. It keeps me reaching to be the best I can be.
However, expectations never never never never turn into exactly what you expected. This is the beauty of life, really. We are surprised at every turn. We expect that stream of hot water in the shower, but it is always wetter somehow that we expect.
Life is so FULL. Sensorily full, yes. And at the same time it is even fuller, more rich and complex than our senses can grasp. There MORE out there. More..more..I can’t point to it, I can’t say what, but I can see bits of it through the chinks.
And so I am fascinated by the chinks. Sometimes it is frustrating to focus on the REAL HERE AND NOW.
ugh…I was happy being muse- ical. Don’t bother me with facts! Detach, relax and ride through like a spectator.
Except, once in a while, I actually want to do something. It grabs me and becomes really important. Maybe it’s something I want to do from inside myself. Or maybe it’s something other people push upon me.
Like work. It becomes very important at work to do something, enough that it makes me really want it. And then I work really hard to make it happen; I’ll stay long hours and think and examine and try. I’ll get frustrated and stay awake when I should be sleeping, pushing and prodding at the things in the way of me getting what I want.
When it’s a work thing, it pisses me off. I am not employed at my dream job. This thing I do for a paycheck is not the thing that moves my soul.
And yet. Picasso still had to clean his brushes. Life is full of things you must do that are not high and lofty. My job is certainly a good one. There are many aspects about it that I enjoy.
I have learned that it’s best not to get too involved in work. Things have a way of working out. I can become desperately impatient. My intensity should be reserved for other things, not the corporation.
Some corporations inspire that kind of intensity. Remember Apple Computers in the 80s? Maybe the attorneys where I work take that kind of joy and thrill out of their work; I am sure it can be very challenging. They pull the 50-60 hour weeks. I hope they do enjoy their work.
Well, once in a while, the corp. asks me to do something that is HARD. It takes concentration, it takes intensity. Those are the times I lose sleep. It’s also those times that I get frustrated with work. “Why can’t they give me what I WANT? What i NEED?”
I wouldn’t get frustrated if I didn’t need stuff. And I could think better if I weren’t frustrated. Thinking more clearly would help me figure out how to get what I need.
See the problem here?
There is a fine line here. Holding, but not grasping. Balance.
Makes me think of the Tao. I love the Toa Te Ching! Great great work. You have to let it go.