I’ve been home rather seldom for the last two months. I went to New York and DC at the beginning of April. THen I came back for a week and then went on vacation to Seattle and Canada. I came back, and four days later flew to New York AGAIN.

I got to be home for almost two weeks before I flew to Denver. I was in Denver for Four days and then I came back. BACK.

I have no plans on the calendar for travel. Thank God. I was forgetting what it was like to be home.

Because I’ve been needing to complete all these projects. I started to re-caulk my bathtub. My other sink needs a washer replaced because it leaks. I have half painted my office. I have mostly scraped my office ceiling.

And I’ve started re-finishing the cupboards in the kitchen.

Walking around often feels like a construction zone. I want to COMPLETE some of these tasks.

finally, I was able to recaulk the bathtub this weekend. THat seemed most critical since a lot can be ruined by improperly sealing a bathtub. Now I just have to wait until monday before I can use it.

THEN I bought a lovely lightest blue green to paint the office. The goal was to find a cactus green…The kind of blue-silver-green that cactuses can be. I fear, however, that as time goes by I will instead think of it as toothpaste.

ButI painted the whole office! Ugh! It was tiring and I was EXHAUSTED afterwards. I took three naps and I think I may take another one.

It’s hard to paint a room thoroughly. I missed a couple spots where the paint is not quite thick enough. I’m going to wait until it’s dark so i can see the contrast better, then I’ll mark all the places that need a little touch up. I’ll finish in the morning. I have BARELY enough paint (I hope) to finish.

As I was painting I listed to an old nostalgic (for me) CD. It is from when I was 18, and it makes me remember how frustrated and hopeful all of us were right then. Remember Nirvana? Dude had to off himself; I guess he was more frustrated than hopeful.

This one was P.M. Dawn’s debut album. It was full of abstract spiritualism and philosophical musings. It made me think a lot about what I’m doing. I hope a lot. I am frustrated a lot because of my hopefulness.

Every day I come up with a hundred and one ideas of how to make the world better. Then I come up with one hundred and two ideas of why it won’t work because people won’t let it.

Except I managed to caulk my tub and paint my bedroom. My grand visions are frustrated by the smallness of those world improvements. And yet they are quite real and true.

Those two things I did by myself. It seems to me that larger improvements take cooperation from other people. And I have so much trouble getting cooperation.

I admire the large buildings that I work in and the people who have created these monuments. And yet…I work in those monuments. I work ON those monuments, in the capacity of assisting communications.

I love that I assist communications all over the world. I am proud, because communication is a true tool for making the world a better place. But for the very reason that I assist with communications, i know how poorly it is done.

It’s sad and frustrating…I remember how hopeful and stupid I was when I was 18. I know a little bit more now, but I also realize that the amount of my knowing in the face of what needs to be known is about as pitiful as the impact of my painting and caulking in the face of all the things that need fixing in the world.

Yes, it is good that I have learned things. It is good that I caulked my bathtub. I guess it’s the little things that add up. That’s what I have to tell myself.