Monthly Archives: March 2007

Appreciation

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So this weekend my bathroom is being demolished and rebuilt. It is the shabbiest part of my house. But next week, it will be fabulous!

Also, I’ve had a last minute assignment at work that I just completed. Installing new equipment. WEEE!!!

and then there are two very heavy TVs that need to be replaced at a different facitility. I ordered and got two new TVs that are even heavier to replace the heavy TVs. But they sent the wrong TV. And so I had to pack up the new heavy TVs, and put the original heavy TVs back.

My back hurts a little today.

and I have a new project for the ship business. I have to make sure the vendor we hired actually finishes the job we hired him for.

We are in the part of the project that takes a fine tooth comb and lots of proving that there is indeed a problem that needs to be fixed.

Oh, but our central air broke. and our home needs new electrical wiring to keep that from happening again.

But we can’t do anything about it, because the biggest ship event of the year is happening this weekend. I will be flying to join Chris and all the exuberant collectors for a little ship extravaganza in San Francisco.

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I’m feeling a little overwhelmed.

I’m also a little bit sad to miss church this sunday. This sunday is Palm Sunday.

They could have called it Donkey sunday…or celebration Sunday. It’s commemorating the time that Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, and everyone was so glad to see him that the whole city, practically, broke off palm fonds and layed them on the road in front of the donkey. If they couldn’t find a palm frond, they even lay down their coats to make a beautiful path for the donkey to walk on.

WOW! Such acclamation. Can you imagine? That would be even better than the red carpet treatment.

I have to say, in addition to feeling overwhelmed, I’ve been feeling underappreciated. Mostly at work.

No one was noticing the great things I did. I was only getting more work.

But…When i think about palm sunday, I realize that favor and appreciation is very fleeting.

I guess I should find it in myself, and not look for it from others.

She’s not a piglet anymore

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When Lucy first arrived at our house, she was a small fat little piglet, with a black face and a bitey mouth:

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It’s been more than a month now. She quickly learned not to mess in the house and is getting very good at walking on a leash.

She has a dog waist now, and her legs are quite long.

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She’s fabulous.

where do we go from here?

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A while back, I had emailed an old friend. We were catching up on each other’s lives, and I told him I was studying to get my english degree.

“Oh, that’s great! I’ve always wanted to get an english degree.”

I asked him what was stopping him. I mean really, of all the goals in life, that one is very easy. It’s written down on paper–a checklist!–what you have to do to make it happen.

That’s one of the good things about academia. You can’t miss. It is absolutely clear what it takes to get the prize.

Not too much after that I graduated.

Which meant it got harder. What was next? The paved road ended. It was time to break a new trail.

But it wasn’t exactly a new trail. There seems to be always another degree. I could get a masters degree in something. OR a doctorate.

But I couldn’t quite figure out what the point of it was. What was it for? What did I really want?

maybe, as it happened, i just wanted a prize.

Prizes are good. They MEAN something. In fact, prizes usually state very clearly what they mean:
“For excellence in running the 100 yard dash”
“First place in Watermelon growing”
“For excellence in the study of diversity in the humanities”

I love prizes. Well, there are some that are meaningless. The kidn that everyone gets just for showing up are not highly valued by me.

But I like prizes. In fact, I try to create little things in my life that are like prizes…Like a ‘win’.

Getting up and going to the gym in the morning…that’s a win.
Meeting the bus is a win.

Those are little things that I can accomplish that make me feel good.

So I can stack up all the little things in my day and feel like a winner.

Lately though, the little things aren’t feeling like enough. I want more.

I want wins that take more than a day to accomplish. I want that kind of prize.

I can’t see over the hill though. I passed the flat valley a while back. All the easy prizes, the ones that I wanted to try for, I already got.

What is the next one? I can’t see over the hill.

Or maybe I can. But it’s a long walk.

Accomplishment

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Perhaps it is my mood. Perhaps it is in my mind. BUT I have been feeling a malaise of meaninglessnes. That I am not accomplishing anything at all.

Sigh

I was reading Jasmine by Mukherjee, who is an Indian writer. She is Hindu, and she talked about how in Hinduism is the idea that the most important thing in your life could be the most mundane and insignificant thing.

She was saying that the story that dieties could be stung by a bee that would alter the course of the universe. And the human that placed the vase with the flower on it on their table that particular day…Which attracted the bee…which stung the GOD…was vital to the flow of the universe.

So, you never know what part of your life will alter the cosmos.

I wish I had that sense of importance today.

I do not feel as if I am accomplishing anything of importance.

But maybe it’s just my mood. Maybe I’m still tired from the time change. Maybe I’m still getting over my visit with a crabby co-worker yesterday.

But the fact that no one really cares what I do with most of my time…that’s sad. It’s nice to hear other’s appreciation.

It just takes a lot of mundanity.

But you know what? It just occurred to me today…Organization (which I so dearly love, and into which category falls “meaning”) is like dishes.

I do not enjoy doing dishes. They so quickly become undone. The so quickly become soiled and require the same exact repeat of what I just finished doing!

Why can’t dishes stay done?

But they can’t.

And somehow, organization and meaning don’t stay done. They require the same repeptive action to put them into order again.

Circles and cycles again and again.

We’re getting ready for Easter. Here is is again:
Death
LIFE!

…to fall into decay and death again…

and to be ressurected AGAIN

The cycles circles

and meaning must be reborn every time it dies

Things that made sense to be yesterday don’t always make sense the very next day.

and certainly, ideas that made sense when I started this post may morph into a whole other meaning by the end of the post.

One thing I know, my feelings never stay the same. They always change. At least, the bad ones do…

well, I am going to think a little more about the need to constantly re-do meaning. Maybe I’ll have time to post about it.

But I suspect that the meaningless mundanities will take up all my time.

Spring is here

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Congress passed a bill that we shall have spring three weeks sooner.

Regardless of the equinoxes and solstices, spring begins with daylight savings.

I cannot say that I was pleased to hear that congress had changed the daylight savings time. Daylight savings has some inherent annoyances.

But now that it’s here, I’m glad.

My flowers are blooming. The yellow climbing roses, the irises, and even my star jasmine have begun to open andfragrate.

Mmmm….

And now, instead of waiting for the weekend to enjoy the fruits of my garden, I can see them in daylight on weekdays.

So, happy spring everyone. Take time to stop and smell the flowers.

The story of the people with holes like swiss cheese

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Once upon a time, there were born a people who had holes in their bodies, just like Swiss cheese.

The people did not know why they had these holes. They were inconvenient and even hurt. Different holes would ache at different times. Some of the holes were inconveniently placed, making it awkward and sometimes impossible to go about the business of their day.

Some people were ashamed of these holes, and covered them up entirely with clothing.

Some people decided they were proud of their holes, at least some of their holes anyway. They wore clothes that showed off their favorite holes. They still took great pain to hide the holes they did not like, even while flaunting the other holes.

Some of the people began to look around them, and found stones or pieces of wood to push into their holes. The stones filled in the holes, and they felt strange at first. But the people saw that they could fill in the holes and be better able to do whatever they needed done.

The other people, the ones who covered the holes entirely with clothes, were outraged. “How can you draw attention to your holes in this way? It’s shameless!”

The people who flaunted their favorite holes were outraged. “How can you deny who you are and the way you are made? You are stopping up your natural holes.”

The people with the filled in holes heard what the others said. But they could see that their lives were easier because they had filled in their holes, so they did not change.

He’s wonderful

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Me: Chris, it says in this magazine that the sun can get to you even when you are driving

Him: [Silence]

Me: Seriously, it says the sun can get to you through the windows, and you have to wear sunscreen of 30 SPF or higher. I have SPF 15, and I only put it on my face.

Him: [looks at me]

Me: I’m going to have to take showers in the stuff every day, or I will wrinkle up by the end of the year.

Him: You will be my little raisin

Me: What?

Him: My little white seedless raisin.

Me: [arms around his head] You’re wonderful

Him:…my pretty little raisin…

I should get a something for that

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This week at work I had a lot of places to go.

Monday I went to Corona
Tuesday I went to San Diego
Wednesday I went ot Long Beach
Thursday I went back to Corona
Friday I stayed home

Sounds a little bit like the litle piggy game.

Anticipating that I would be going so many places, and since i was on the longest drive of the week, I counted up how many miles I’ve travelled since I took my current job.

If I count up the commute time to get there and the driving I do once I am on the job, I’ve travelled 33 thousand miles in the last year and a half.

That’s a lot of miles.

I shoud get something for that….Like frequent flyer miles. I once took a trip to Europe for 35 thousand frequent flyer miles…

But maybe I am being a greedy american. Driving around doesn’t work like that. Why should I deserve free stuff for just going around and doing my job, the job that I am pretty fortunate to have?

People don’t give you stuff for nothing; businesses will give you free stuff because they get something out of it. Like in Vegas–they will give you a free dinner or a free hotel room, but only if you gamble and therefore lose money.

It all comes out with them ahead.

And so, the rich people, the ones with money to be milked, get the “free stuff.”

Suddenly, i realized that I _am_ a rich person.

I’ve seen emails where they ennumerate the way the majority of the world’s population lives. Things like water and clothing and medicine are all in scarce supply.

and at the end, they say “Everyone in America is in the top 5% of the richest people in the world.”

And it never feels real. Come on, it doesn’t. Yeah, I’ll read it. I can click the little X in the right corner of that email or webpage to make it disappear and then roll my office chair away from the corner desk in my cube to get up and fill my water bottle from the water cooler around the corner, next to the elevator.

and instead of feeling grateful for the easy life I have, I will be wondering if I can fine a cheap Nalgene water bottle on overstock.com to replace the less-than-optimal water bottle I currently use.

wow.

And when I am driving in my new GMC van with the V8 engine, airconditioning and CD player, I think about how I can get it to connect to my ipod, which it currently does not.

I am the wealthy. I am the very wealthy, along with all the rest of Americans. We are the ones who can be milked. That’s how the business world goes around.

It is still a long day, driving to San Diego and then getting up and driving to Long Beach the next day. It is a more pleasant feeling to be grateful for what I have than to be dissatisfied about what I do not have.

But that doesn’t mean that my ears don’t ring after 6 hours of hearing the engine roar, and my backside doesn’t get tired of sitting in the same position.