Try again

So, I am not going to follow the doctor’s advice and go without nursing my baby for 7-10 days

She’s nuts.

Basically, the internet and a poll of my mother-friends says that it’s not necessary, just smear the same medicine I’m eye-droppering into her mouth onto me. Both of us should get over it in about a week. YES, the nursing will hurt for the duration. But the mental anguish of not nursing hurts more.

I went two whole days, so my milk apparatus is somewhat healed (good, less hurt). And I have become good at using the electric pump (something that I was scared to try, but have been forced to conquer).


Child is quite happy drinking from a bottle. And even more importantly, she is happy taking a bottle from Daddy. So, we have two nights now achieved the goal of me sleeping for MORE than three hours in a row.

THAT will continue, even if we have to use the super-artificial formula to make it happen.

It’s just about feeding time right now…she’s snoozing in her swing and I can barely wait to get back to the groove of nursing her.  I could wake her up, but she’ll probably wake up on her own in a few minutes.

Motherhood is a strange trip. I would never have known what to expect.

getting to know you….

It’s been a month…more than a month…which means that counting in days has lost a little significance. I still note the days (35 today) but my little child seems to have gained some heft with the successful passage of time.

When I was pregnant, I told Chris that after the child arrived we would have a new chronometer. That we couldn’t just coast in a sort of grown-up statis where time was vague…”What year was that again? Was that before or after we went on the hawaii trip?”…It will be “That was before Veronica could walk” or “She was two then”

So the passage of time is quite significant in reference to this little one. And with the passage of time I’m getting to know her. I know it’s strange to say in this context, but I do not form relationships lightly. It takes me a long time to trust a person and really feel like I have that connection.

So…I think I am starting to get to know this little one. True, I have no idea when/whether she will sleep on a given night. But when she does, I can close my eyes and picture the different faces she makes throughout the day. And I know the feel of her when she cuddles up to me…the feel of how she cuddles up to me.

It’s like we’ve got some history now.

Just when you think you’ve got it

So the child, who has been doing pretty good as have I, turned out to have picked up thrush from me, on her way into the world.

Then, she gave the infection back to me. Suffice it to say, it has jacked up my ability to feed her in comfort. It took me a long time to figure out what was wrong; what with all the other things that being a mother entails, I just thought that this pain was ‘normal’ and I would get over it.

But no. I managed to get a doctor to look at both of us, and she says I can’t breast feed for at least a week.

oh man. That news was not welcome. I had just got the hang of this routine!

SO, we had to run and get some formula, and have the crisis of what type of bottle/nipple combination would keep the child from turning away from me when we got back to breast feeding. We managed that.

BUT! I also have to find a way to pump lots of times a day to keep my milk supply from drying up completely. I have been dreading and needing to figure out how to do this.

So, since yesterday I managed to pump twice. I think I could get the hang of it, I guess. But my routine now is necessarily changed a little.

Every little thing seems so charged with importance when it comes to this little helpless child. I don’t like doing new things. But this will probably work out. I guess that gives me a new milestone to look forward to. The return of breastfeeding!

There is a lot of room to grow

So, last night was decent as far as sleep goes.

But the night before was really bad. And when I have a bad day, tunnel vision is a real problem. Whatever is happening right then feels like it’s going to be the way it will be forever. I know it’s not true, but it feels very very true.

Chris was kind, and we went on a walk together. He held the dog’s leash and I pushed the stroller almost like it was a walker. Veronica slept.

I said “I don’t know how things are going to get from here to where we need to be. How will I possibly be able to go back to work? and I have to go back to work.”

“Things will work out. Remember, you are only a quarter of the way through the time between when she was born to when you go back to work. It will be okay.”

only a quarter of the leave is through. That’s not very much. She already can do a lot more than she could a few weeks ago. I can leave her happily in a chair or a swing for long stretches of minutes at a time while I eat or do dishes or laundry or even *gasp* read a little.

So last night I got more sleep, and I am feeling even more hopeful about how this will work out.

Still March April and May to get ready to do what needs to be done. I can have faith that by that time, things will be ready. That -I- will be ready.


a month

and as is traditional for her birthdays, we did  n ot sleep much last night

But she is more mature, and I am tougher. So, I could handle it better.

She is so much bigger and changed since the day she was born. I wonder what the next weeks will bring

My darling child is learning to let me sleep

An undeserved boon; she has the right to demand feedings every three hours, but she has started to sleep for four hours during the night.

This morning, she lay awake and made little cooing noises from about 7 to 8, which I managed to sleep through,and then ate for an HOUR. VERY polite of her, and I am surprised her little tummy could actually take that much food in.

She is growing fast.

Here is an encore of cuteness:


So I’ve been on ‘leave’ for two months now. The first month was spent incapacitated by a large internal parasite which left me very weak and incapable. The second month has been spent caring for that now emerged parasite.

Which meant I couldn’t *do* much about the state of my home.

My laptop is sort of perched on the filing cabinet in a room I have termed the wreck room because it’s such a mess. My clothes, jewelry books and computer are stored here, and it’s an unholy pile.

I would like to clean things up. I have been thinking and resenting this pile of mess for the last two months but did not have the resources to do anything about it.

My clothing, and i do love a well put together outfit, has become an albatross. About 8 months ago I started piling up the clothes that I wouldn’t be wearing for a while into separate bins. Why waste space on my cute jeans that wouldn’t fit my pregnant butt for the next 7 months and THEN SOME?

But now I”m packing away the maternity clothes, and still don’t fit the other clothes. And the weight of these possessions has become a burden. I am tempted to throw EVERYTHING away.


…and I haven’t even started on the books.

She’s a young thing and cannot leave her mother

About a week and a half ago, I was losing my mind at how intensely difficult it is to take care of a newborn. No minute of any hour was mine. I was frantic, and wondered if anything would ever be easy again.

I had fantasies, back when  I was bloatedly pregnant about what I would do as soon as I had delivery the child:

1. Take a hot bath

2. Take long walks with the dog


4. Drink a glass of wine

But then she arrived and everything was so far away. A BATH! Give me a break! I was surprised i had time to comb my hair.

As for enjoying a glass of wine…I said to my mom “I would love to sit down and have a cup of tea. But there is a mountain between me and a cup of tea that I simply cannot climb right now. I can’t do it.”

Mom came down and helped me out. And she held the child while I had that cup of tea. In fact, she came down two weekends in a row.

But now she’s gone, and has to stay gone for a while because she has her own life in Sacramento. But somehow, a combination of the child getting older and me getting more experience in how to handle this (mentally and physically), I can see that things might be doable.

I didn’t say easy. Just doable.

So, as a matter of fact, my little child is sorta sleeping in her carry seat–she is okay with not being held ALL the time now–and I have just made myself a cup of tea.

Doable. A smaller mountain.