Back on the train but still at the station

I talked before about how my days while home with Newborn Veronica were not 24 hours long, but actually only as long as the time between feedings. Today, 12 weeks after she arrived, that feels like a long time ago.

I’m so glad that it feels like a long time ago. I feel so kneeling-at-their-feet grateful to the many people who have been encouraging and helped me through this incredibly unexpectedly difficult time. What with bringing this new person into the world, and being so embraced and upheld by so many people already here, I feel a respect and kinship with the human race I’ve never felt before.

And, amazingly, the clock has started ticking again. Days begin and progress and end now. And then a new day starts with reassuring regularity. Before, I could not really believe that next week would arrive, and I had to use all the faith I had learned to practice to get from the present into the future. The future didn’t seem to be part of my existence. The present which was fill with achey muscles and a demanding little body that was not part of my body anymore.\

But the future merged onto the edge of the present again and my life is ordered the way I’m used to. Sort of.

I have a strong feeling that nothing will ever be the same again. But before that scary thought steals all my oxygen (again), I realize that I’ll find a way to fit in the important pieces. Just like I learned to eat and unload the dishwasher with one hand because the other arm was holding a sleepy baby, I’ll learn to fit in what I need to.

Meanwhile, I’m still waiting to get back to my “real” life, aka my JOB. That’s 18 days away. I look forward to putting on headphones and wading through piles of email for a WHOLE hour uninterrupted. Of course, I’ll have to do that for a whole 8 hours…and those 8 hours will be a long time to be away from my little one. I know my arms will ache in a different way, from not carrying.

But I know I’ll be leaving her in good hands.