why does it work like that?

I can see it. I can see it so clearly I can almost touch it.

But I can’t quite reach it. I can see the problem. I even see the solution. Yet I can’t get the problem paired with the solution and get the wheels moving.

WHAT is the deal? I know what I know…I’ve been thinking about that and I am settled. I am not wrong.

Not exactly.

But I still can’t make it happen.

So what’s the deal? It could all be so simple. It could all be so beautiful. But it’s not and it stands like it’s never gonna move ever ever ever.

There is a something else that gets in the way. Knowing the answer is different from getting the fix and failure to shake hands.

I remember this story of the promised land.

The PROBLEM was that the children of israel were enslaved. Everybody knew the problem. Nobody knew the solution.

Except GOD intervened in the most fabulous ways possible, brought Moses in and did legendary miracles and freed them from their slavery.

And the slavery wasnt the problem anymore. In fact, fixating on the slavery as the problem was merely a mask on the REAL problem.

which, in a fascinating back-to-the-present-day, is STILL a problem.

The children of israel needed  a place to live.

The statement of work might go something like this:

Move the Israelites from their position of slavery in Egypt through the wilderness into the prophetically specified land area  and set up a functioning society.

yeah. Cause getting out from the slavery was only the first part.

The promised land was the real goal. But they had to get there.

they set out with very high hopes and made good progress.


Famously, they wandered around, instead going directly to where they supposedly wanted to go. Every day of those forty years all those hundreds–thousands?–of people got up and went a direction other than the one they needed to go to get where they wanted to be.

Sure, the Bible says they were cursed to do so. Did Moses tell everybody, “Buckle in the long haul. Curses! Forty years again!”

Maybe he did. Maybe he didn’t. Even if he did, did they believe him? Did some of them take day trips..pack a picnic lunch of manna…to the promised land?

But my problem of circular regression instead of straightforward progression is not mine alone. I suppose I can take some comfort in my shared misery.

I don’t know why. But it seems to work like that. Tick off all the days of the forty years as they pass. We’ll get there eventually but only if we don’t give up.


unfamiliar pain

I’ve been suffering from back pain. There are different kinds of pain. Some is overwhelming and obvious. Like a stubbed toe, there is no mistaking or ignoring the pain. It is stupid and passes leaving no trace, but is undeniable when it happens.

This back pain was not so obvious. It started out as a pain and a stiffness in my lower back. I also felt a disconnected pain in my lower shin, which turned out to be rooted in the sciatic nerve. Apparently a nerve at the top of my butt could be cause my leg to hurt.

And in my case, this swollen musculature wrenched itself around to being a pain in my shoulder and arm.

Except it didn’t feel anything like clear pain. It was more discomfort and weakness.

It didn’t have a recognizable shape. It wasn’t until it was relieved with the right pills that i realized how much pain I was really in.

I think relationships are like that, many times. Unhealthy relationships where i tell myself “oh, it’s not really that bad, I just need to stretch or rest or…”

But it is that bad. And best of all, it can be fixed. Because right now, although I feel very weak, I am SO GLAD not to be in pain. I could take some of that health logic and transfer it. That would be good.


so I’ve spent the last four days in bed. I have read a little. I have watched tv a lot.

Havent thought much. Haven’t written much.

Tried to call friends, but it didnt’ take. NObody answered.

So it’s just me. Feeling occasional strange achey pain. Not sleeping well. And worrying.

I would rather be doing things. But, I have to rest. So I worry. A little.

why do I worry? I should not worry. I think when one cannot do, one worries.

No, let me rephrase that: when *I* cannot do, I worry.

i cannot do much right now. So. I worry.

I dont really have anything pressing to worry about. That is a blessing. But it would be better if i had a way of storig (gtd, anyone?) my worrying to-do list for later, a way that I could trust would be there when I had the ability to do.

This is unusual.

there has to be a new roadmap

sure we are in a new era, an era of long long lives.


And we are in an era where strength does not matter as much as it used to. We have machines for almost everything.

So we have to find a new story of what we are good for I talked about equity. Our minds are our biggest asset. What can we do with what we know?

And if we are older we know so much. There is an old tradition of respecting elders. How am I supposed to become a really good elder?

We need a new template for how to do what we do

perhaps I have something to say

I got a lot of good responses to my equity post. Imagine!

Chris said I didn’t realize that I see things differently than other people.

I said I knew I saw things differently. I just didn’t think that other people would find it useful.


What do you know?


When I bought a condo for the first time it scared me to death to sign a mortgage.

But the timing was fortunate, and very quickly I got equity. So much equity that it began to be a force to reckon with.  What should I do with all this theoretical money?

First thing i did was get a home equiity line of creidt and pay off the 2nd mortgage that I had to have to buy the thing in the first place.

But I still had a lot of equity left over. Twice my yearly salary of equity, as a matter of fact. So.

What should I do with equity?

It was a huge amount of cash. But it wasn’t cash. It was equity–a special kind of value that had to do with the value that some people placed on some thing in a certain circumstances.

A strange sort of money. A weird sort of stock option for a company that doesn’t have stock yet. There are only a few ways to wisely spend equity-money.

But maybe…maybe…

I determined what kind of buyer I could find for this kind of money and leveraged it well. I sold the condo and bought my dream house.

Then the equity disappeared. I have no equity in my house anymore. But equity only means opportunity.

And opportunity only counts if you take it.

I find that i am possessed of another kind of equity. Career equity. I have amassed skills and experience in my career. And that is valuable to certain people in certain circumstances.

I just have to figure out how to get the best buyer. And be willing to take some risks.

Fortune favors the bold. And time always gives some king of equity. I want to spend it wisely.

first back-to-school night

Okay, it’s back-to-preschool night.

Veronica has started going to preschool for a full 5-day schedule only for the last few weeks. Maybe it is the stress of this full-time schedule. Maybe it is a developmental phase.

But she’s become very sensitive and clingy. Chris says that she really wants mommy. But I think she always wants mommy.

I don’t know. I spend every minute at home with her–while she’s awake. So. I’m doing what I can.

But she was not enthused about going BACK to school last night. I had to repeat to her that this was a special party and that mommy and daddy were going to stay. SHe wanted to hang on to daddy. Which was fine with me. I wanted to go introduce myself to some specific parents.

One little darling girl was frequently mentioned, and now that I was there for a bit of time, I could see why. She zipped around in the same speeds that Veronica liked. I introduced myself to her mom and told her that Veronica mentioned her little girl with fondness.

But there was another tow-head boy I needed to find the parents of. Veronica mentioned this one with a special giggle. She’s over it now, but I swear she had a crush on this older boy. He’s FOUR. She mentioned his name without prompting, which was not true of any of the other kids. I asked the teacher which one he was after this startling interchange. They said he had been helping her out with some special attention.

I really wanted to tell his parents about this. If he were MY kid, I’d think the story was adorable. Of course, this kid might be a force to reckon with. Whenever I saw him, he was working on some project…Creating a river out of the sand and water from the wading pool. Teacher says  “Don’t take the water!” he ignores her. He has WORK to do.

The school was impressive. They had all kinds of projects they’d been working on for this back-to-school night, and they amazed me with when they had helped my kid to learn and do. I almost didn’t believe that they had managed it!


But it was really fun.

Chris said we have two more decades of back-to-school nights.

I got a new computer

It is a mac. I don’thate myself yet. But i’m not so in love with it that I drank the cool aid yet.

but it is a nice tool to have. it fits in my purse, and i am getting work done with it.


That’s what it is for. Working. I have a lot of that to do

hot and mentally sticky

Yesterday was the hottest day of the year so far.

We were messed up. Both Chris and i are uncomfortable. And I woke up at three AM

Ah ha! I know what to do. I got up as soon as I figured out I was awake and went to the living room to stretch.

But chris woke up. And he came out and asked me what was wrong.

Insomnia should not have conversations. So, bakc and forth and toss and turn and discussion and visiting the bathroom and dog wanting out and dog wanting IN and loudly blowing one’s nose



sometimes a man needs killing.  But I wanted him for later, so I didn’t kill him.

instead I went to turn off my alarm because I might as well be up. But I crawled into bed to reach it, and bed felt really good. So I set the alarm for a half hour later

(I didn’t really need to brush my hair, did i?)

and had a WHOLE HOUR to lay in bed.

and I managed to scrape probably 15 minutes of sleep into that hour.

Felt good.

And we shall survive to live another day.


Veronica slept perfectly

let me draw you a picture

So Jeff bezos just did a presentation and everyone is talkign about how he copied Steve Jobs.

He used a powerpoint, but he used pictures and not bulletpoints. For example, when he was illustrating the battery life of the new Kindle, he didn’t have a bullet point saying

  • 8 weeks battery life between charges

Instead, he had a picture of a calendar showing two months, with the dates of charging circled.

There are a lot of reasons why this is awesome. But I want to talk about something else.

my blog is not that picture heavy. I have some pictures.

but I use words. So, how should words use the “picture superioity” of communication.


It’s the old adage “show don’t tell”

don’t say “I was angry” Talk about what physical reality is happening. Increased heart rate? Heated face?


That is how we should leave our audience