because I can be the last to know

It was a hard-won realization recently that I am a many-talented person.

I thought, well don’t we all have lots of talents?

Sure, to an extent. Something about me is different though. There is a flame in me, a hunger, that wants a lot of things, and wants a lot of things a lot.

I want to write. More than want, I have to.

And I also want to be that guy in mission control. I’ve made a career on it.

These are not the same things at all. I am the things that don’t go together. But they do, in me.

So here I am, the things that don’t go together. Yesterday I came to realize that really really was true.

Not in a defensive way. I’d been carrying these talents and passions like a crayon picture that I was REALLY trying to convince everyone was a fairy.

“See? It’s a fairy! Do you see it? Can’t you see it?”

I had to draw that picture, because inside of me I had to. I had to do it and keep doing it. Because I had to.

Only…I didn’t understand it and I didn’t now why I had to, I didn’t know what this compulsion was or what I was trying to do.

Do you see the fairy? Tell me what it is! It’s a fairy. Isn’t it?

People patted me on the head, sure, honey. Or sometimes they saw it before I told them what it was.

Sometimes they said they didn’t see anything.

And those people who didn’t see anything were the ones I believed the most. They were right. What was I doing?

If a lot of the naysayers happened in a row, I would leave off the drawings. Give up hope.

Only draw the fairies in the dark. Or erase them

drawing in sand

tracing the outlines in the fog on a mirror

the ideas of fairies won’t leave me alone

when the fog lifts from the mirror

the fairy disappears and leaves me

me with who I am

and what I’ve been given

God spoke

Let there be my child

Reflecting to myself

Let there be me

Let me!

Divinity wills it so

How dare I fight the will of God?

My heart

My expression

My voice unifying with the voice of creation

Let it be! Let me be as I am designed!

all other voices fall as the noise

I know

I create what I am created to make

[Those other voices don’t fall as much as I wish. And still I create.]

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