con versely, Just because peopl are not reading it doens’t mean i will stop writing.
I write. And then I write some more.
That’s what I do.
I am seeing if there are some tools for garnering an audience.
There is still a lot I don’t know.
I spend a lot of time on spiritual activities. They’re spiritual to me, anyway. I am constantly listening to books, lectures, and TED talks about positivity and improving my life.
I’ve taken classes on the phone, and gone to events. I’ve stretched my comfort zone and learned a lot.
This week I’ve been listening to Brene Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability. It’s a recording of her lecture series on authenticity, connection and courage.
I can’t stop listening. And I gasp and cry. It’s good.
But I’m in this other class online. I took this class to bolster my sagging sense of self-worth.
I could tell it was sagging because I was very reticent to spend the money on it.
Self-worth.
I didn’t think I was worth it.
So. I pulled up my big girl pants and decided to invest in myself.
This class was expensive. So, I was committed to doing the homework.
At first.
And at first the homework was easy. Setting my intentions for the day (what sort of day would I like to have? Would I like to be playful? Would I like to feel secure?), and at the end of the day having a gratitude journal.
Not so bad. And being a committed type, I have done it regularly.
But then it got busy, and I didn’t do the next assignments.
I was still listening to all the recordings. I could do that while driving or doing housework. They were encouraging.
The affirmation tracks were great. I even played them for my daughter after she’d watched some TV that was too scary.
“You are a human being with flaws. You don’t have to be perfect to be ok.”
My daughter asked for them the next night. “Will you play the lady for me?”
Yes. Yes, I would. The lady was very soothing when I felt overwhelmed at work.
And I was starting to feel overwhelmed a lot.
I decided I should plug back into my classes, since I HAD paid for it. Take the time, I am worth it.
So, after spending all weekend with Brene Brown’s fantastic lecture series (very spiritual, personal-developmenty stuff), I sat down to do some journaling on the next module.
It’s not the same. It’s not the same thing at all.
TED talks in my ears is not the same as quality time as separating myself from all the THINGS I should do and taking the time to do a little spiritual work.
In my case, when I stopped and did the exercise, I reminded myself that I am not the victim in my life story. I am the hero of my own story. Rightfully so. And although I may feel like I am assaulted on all sides, I am in fact in one part of my story. My story is evolving continuously, and all the heroes have moments of conflict.
Oh yeah.
So. Not only am I the hero of my life, I really do find benefit in giving myself what I need to feel good about myself.
Which means, dilletanting about with feel-good recordings in my ears is not sufficient.
Doing the work feels a lot better.
Still, I recommend you all check out Brene.
I was feeling sad, and listening to sad music to have a reason to cry while I put my daughter to bed. I thought i should tell her what was going on.
“Veronica, I had a tough day. Someone told me i did things wrong, and that hurts to hear. I have been feeling so bad…I started to think a lie. I’m kind of ashamed to tell you what I was thinking. Is it okay to tell you?”
She nods.
“It made me think I didn’t have a place.”
She gasps, horrified. “Nowhere in the whole UNIVERSE? But you’ll always have a place with me!”
Face in hands. I have to sob for a moment.
She is a bit frightened, she’s never seen me cry like that before. “Come here Veronica.”
I hug her. “You are a wonderful human being. i am so proud to be your mother. Of course I have a place with you.”