moving

The thing that stops us from writing is not a lack of imagination.

What stops us from writing is being interrupted.

That’s what the famous author–whose name I didn’t catch–said in the Facebook ad. It’s true, and it’s probably a very successful ad. I hope they do get a lot of people buying their course on how to write.

I was thinking about that snippet all day today. I was not writing. I knew I needed to. I really wanted to. I had this weekly wonder to write, but also I have a short story I’m working on that it really exciting.

But I really had to clean the house.

Really. It’s seriously filthy. I’ve been sick…still climbing out of that pit. And I haven’t had time to do the basics. I still took a three-hour nap today, and when I woke up I just had to do something about the floor.

And I knew exactly what I was doing. Not writing.

This reminds me of when I was studying in college, and I would feel compelled to clean my house during the last week of the semester–the week when all the papers were due.

My house was so clean that week.

I was interrupting myself.

I really want to finish that short story. It’s been FOREVER since I wrote one; I was beginning to think I didn’t know how.

But I’m excited about it, but I’m still not making time.

I will be so glad when I am over this flu. I want those nap hours for my own use.

And as I mop the floor I accuse myself. Those three hours back so I can squander them on un-creative activity?

Sigh. I’m not myself. Or maybe I am, just a particularly awful version.

I have to trust that I will have the time, find the time, make the time to get to the part I long for.

The floors do look very clean now. Maybe that will help me concentrate.

And maybe tomorrow I will not need to sleep so much.

It takes longer than I want it to, but I’m moving in the right direction. At least I hope so.

Temperance in all things

I hadn’t quite stopped saying happy New Year to everyone yet, but last Friday something else took my attention.

I’ve got the plague. It’s a bad one this year; a lot of people are down. I hope I recover quickly. I’m hearing some people are out for two weeks.

This was NOT the plan for the New Year. Nobody wants to get horribly sick!

As I sit in a fog, I am catching up on TV shows without stress: documentaries. I’ve picked up Ken Burn’s “Prohibition.”

This one is interesting. The drive to outlaw liquor was a cause led by women. Since men were the ones who earned the money, women relied on their fathers and husbands to bring home enough money to pay for food and shelter.

But again and again, men would spend their pay on alcohol and leave the family with nothing.  It was an evil that had to be stopped.

Forces united and a monumental effort was made to have a constitutional amendment.

NO ALCOHOL

But it didn’t turn out the way they hoped.

Alcohol became more of a way of life than it had been before. And it even jumped the gender divide–women had been excluded from saloons before but entered freely into speakeasies.

It was increasingly clear that it wasn’t working.

And one big reaction was to double down. They said it’s not working because the police aren’t enforcing it enough! Take it more seriously!

I know there have been times in my life when I clung to a goal, not seeing the harm I was inflicting on myself.

If it’s not working that means I must try harder!

I used to think that way, but I’ve learned to take a step back and tinker. What’s out of line? Is there something I’m missing? There’s likely a better way.

As I sit in my brand new year, with my brand new plans for the year derailed, I think how it could have been different. What if the temperance unions had been a little more temperate in their temperance?

Could we have had a whole different ending?

And I wonder what a different perspective could do for me in my life too. Taking an enforced break from my usual focus because of sickness has its benefits. I wonder.

Darker or Lighter

As a women, I have the freedom to try new things with my look. I decided to try something different with my hair: go darker.

This is a thing that matters very litle in the world, but matter a lot in my world. It’s my head after all.

So made the choice, and bought the dye. Darker this time.

And i waited for the big reveal. It has to dry before the color can really be seen.

BUT IT”S SO DARK.

I looked into the mirror and it seemed practically black. Then I took a selfie, and the camera showed a much lighter color.

Then I looked in the mirror

DARK

then selfie

over the next few days I couldn’t reconcile it. How do cameras see this differently?

Remember that weird picture that can be a beautiful young woman in a hat, or a big nosed old woman with a shawl on her head?

I looked at myself in the mirror and tried to see what the camera saw. I began to see the glints of light.

What is the truth? What do my eyes see that others don’t?

There is no doubt my eyes focus on the things I’m most insecure about. But they are probably not as noticable as I fear.

Staring in the mirror to worry about my hair being too dark was not making me happy. And it would seem it’s not even true.

What else is true?

Or, how else can I see the picture that would make me happier? That’s worth trying for. It could be so easy to shift my focus.

2020 what I’ve read

  1. The other americans
  2. be bad first
  3. Fed up
  4. wagner:HIs life and music
  5. the gift of fear
  6. good omens
  7. Pachinko
  8. the dearly beloved
  9. eloquent rage
  10. cymbeline
  11. plague of doves
  12. feminist fight club
  13. burmese days
  14. invisible women
  15. coriolanus
  16. getting unstuck
  17. born with teeth
  18. The modern political tradition from Hobbes to habermas
  19. Originals
  20. the inimitable Jeeves
  21. my oh my
  22. tge art of astrology nf
  23. The woman’s hour
  24. The forgotten man
  25. Advanced energy anatomy
  26. barking to the choir
  27. manager hacking nf
  28. The path made clear
  29. the last black unicorn
  30. the wAy nf
  31. Small victories
  32. There therE
  33. unsheltered
  34. Moon is a harsh mistress
  35. the essential Drucker nf
  36. 1066
  37. The song of Achilles
  38. The good neighbor
  39. Keep moving
  40. How Great Science Fiction works
  41. The Heat Death of the Universe NF
  42. Beowulf nf
  43. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s stone
  44. speaking of faith
  45. stiff
  46. grit 
  47. The seven spiritual laws of success
  48. Maybe you should talk to someone
  49. fight back and win
  50. Tom jones
  51. 1984
  52. pillars of the earth
  53. the rise of the novel
  54. Healing trauma
  55. the warrior goddess training program
  56. Men women and worthiness
  57. The seven spiritual laws of success
  58. Do more great work RR
  59. Don quixote 1605
  60. Don Quixote 1615
  61. How to raise Emotionally healthy children
  62. The Art of Posibility RR
  63. The sorrows of Young Werther
  64. The red and the black nf
  65. extreme ownership
  66. west point woman abandoned
  67. If I never met you
  68. here’s looking at you
  69. The long utopia nf
  70. madame bovary  
  71. Russian literature nf
  72. Attached 
  73. growth mindset
  74. heres looking at you
  75. the experience economy 
  76. Writers and lovers 
  77. The claw of the conciliator nf
  78. The ManchuriaN candidate 
  79. Daily rituals 
  80. hero with a thousand faces nf
  81.  heartland 
  82. the way of the superior man
  83. The good fight 
  84. julia child a life 
  85. The bride test 
  86. the kiss quotient 
  87. the rocket girls 
  88. the Martian 
  89. Feel the fear and do it anyway 
  90. CTS I Exam guide
  91. the 12 week year nf
  92. lead like a woman 
  93. the challenger sale 
  94. the moment of lift 
  95. Toxic parents 
  96. jane of austin 
  97. don’t you forget about me 
  98. the last story of Mina Lee 
  99. absalom absalom RR
  100. adult children of emotionally immature parent 
  101. Self Esteem 
  102. walden
  103. Howard’s end 
  104. the Dutch house
  105. Moby dick
  106. Men who hate women and the women who live them
  107. the token woman  nf
  108. Truth and beauty nf
  109. untamed tales of horror Edgar Allen Poe nf
  110. alls well That ends well
  111. gaslighting
  112. the crucible
  113. king John
  114. Henry VIII
  115. China Rich Girlfriend
  116. The adventures of huckleberry Finn 
  117. how to make friends with the dark
  118. sapiens