There is always Risk

The animals could not sleep, so neither could we. With the wind blowing like I’d never heard before, things outside were bumping, rattling and scraping in terrifying ways.

It died down about 4 in the morning and we slept a bit then. But I woke up and had to do an errand on Arrow highway. It was less than five miles but I counted 7 fallen trees.

Huge trees, tall and spreading were killed by the wind. Some were pushed over with their roots pulled up out of the earth. Some were split, with half the tree shredded away from the trunk. A few trees landed on houses, cracking the roof of families’ homes, destroying property.

These trees were decades old—some of them must have been older than a century—and this was their end. These history holders, landmarks and keepers of secrets had their weakness revealed and exposed at last.

I wish we could prop them up again and keep them alive. They have been with us so long. But they are being chopped up and pulled away.

How can it be that the spirits of the trees are gone? The giant trees are mortal too.

Just like me they were born with the fatal flaw. One day all living things will die. We didn’t know the weak parts of the trees until it was pressed.

Maybe this windstorm was the tree equivalent of a car crash. Hit me with enough force and my number is up. Some of the trees were on the wrong part of a gust and could not withstand it anymore.

I cannot know what is the weak part. Maybe it’s not even the weak part, it’s just some things are too much to bear.

And the trees I love went down to their death and broke my heart.

I can do my best to help protect myself and help the trees, since we live together. But I cannot protect against everything.

This wild world is full of risks.

Everything I do comes with risks and opportunity. That tree that grew its branches and roots was growing its life and growing its death.

Death was guaranteed, but that growth was not. I admire that tree for its growth and only wish the same for every tree. Thank you beautiful trees for your courage and persistence in becoming more and more of what you could be. Even though it came with risk. I want to be like you are.

Risk of the highest order will always be with me. It is up to me to grow into something worth mourning at my inevitable end.

Before and Again

Round, like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever spinning reel

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on it’s face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space

Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

-Sting “windmills of your mind”

I’ve been here before. Know what I mean? It’s not exactly déjà vu, but I’ve seen this patch of land before. I’m travelling through life and I think I’m making progress. I must be! Time has passed and I’ve been working towards things as I’ve been going forward.

And I find myself in a place I’ve been before.

What is happening? Am I traveling in a circle? Have I been misguided this whole time?
Panic and hopeless sets in. Was all this for nothing?

No help for it now. This is where I am like it or not. I have to come to grips with where I’m am now regardless of how it makes me feel.

I remember the Sting song quoted above. Am I really in the same place or is it just a mind trick?

It can take a long time and a lot of effort to get back to *almost* the same spot. I know this from the many labyrinths I’ve walked throught. Somewhere in the middle I will be sure I’m getting nowhere.

The trick is not to stop. There may be a long way to go, it may be just around the corner. I will never know If I don’t keep walking.

It takes faith

I know this

Despair papered her bathroom walls with newspaper articles…Despair is overworked and overwhelmed. She has a heart condition…She is not lying or exaggerating…There is no arguing with her. She is persuasive, eloquent and undeniably well informed. If you attempt to change her mind you will come away agreeing with her. She has stopped listening to music.

From The Book of Qualities by J. Ruth Gendler

Last week I did a video on how scared I was to run this meeting at work. These people in the meeting knew the material so much better than I did. It was inevitable that I would prove my ignorance and yet I was supposed to be leading the discussion.

The pressure was crushing me.

And yet.

This is not the first time I had done this kind of thing. To be honest, I’d done much harder. I reminded myself of those times as I tried to unclench my shoulders.

I needed to go forward. Courage come into the moment. Fear did not leave, but courage came as well. This moment had enough room for the trifecta.

Fear, Courage and me.

We were riding this through together. Trying times makes for these uncomfortable partnerships.

I remembered my book with that description of Despair. There is no arguing with despair. Because we are always doomed.

There has been hot and cold running despair. Room service, special delivery despair. And just for you, because you are a faithful customer, a two for one.

Are you despairing enough yet? Next delivery came early, take some more.

I’ve been here before. I know this ditch and the familiar taste of dirt in my mouth.

As I recognized it, my heart smiled. Then I gave a small laugh. I got this.

No more papering my walls with news articles. I shall no longer entertain doom in my soul. I do not acknowledge the premise.

Time to clean my face and remember I have love and joy to share. It’s been there all along.

Books I read in 2022

  1. gravity’s rainbow
  2. Likeable Social Media
  3. the 12 week year
  4. The science of Storytelling
  5. Decoding the workplace
  6. Creating Community
  7. the black cauldron
  8. the rape of the mind
  9. 12 rules fir life
  10. the book of of forgiveness
  11. the art of learning
  12. the comfort book
  13. Sporting chance
  14. hunting party
  15. buried child
  16. beyond order
  17. becky shaw
  18. Henry I’ve part one
  19. the magician king
  20. henry 4 part 2
  21. economicsinon easylesson
  22. king Henry 5
  23. winning colors
  24. pull of the moon
  25. a littl journey
  26. rules of engagement
  27. change of command
  28. not hungry
  29. against the odds
  30. sporting chance
  31. the one
  32. white sand
  33. history of russia
  34. age of myth
  35. shantaram
  36. 12 Rules fir lofe(again)
  37. the idiot Play
  38. the girl who drank the moon
  39. anxious people
  40. oh william
  41. age of swords
  42. The art of gathering
  43. the botanist’s guide to parties and pisons
  44. the age of war
  45. the age of legends
  46. the narrative gym
  47. age of death
  48. courage is calling
  49. the age if empyre
  50. yes and i love you
  51. murder on the orient express
  52. the way of shadows
  53. Beyond the shadows
  54. casino royale
  55. shadows edge
  56. the art of learning
  57. do androids dream of electric sheep
  58. how to fail at almost everything and still win big
  59. how to find your way in the dark
  60. henry vi part 3
  61. black prism
  62. The blindingkknife
  63. loserthink
  64. kong henry viii
  65. the amazing adventures of kavalier and clay
  66. mans search for meaning
  67. 12 rules for life
  68. the broken eye
  69. irreversible damage
  70. the road tonwigan pier
  71. Would you rather
  72. king henry 8
  73. the galaxy and the ground within
  74. the 100 year old man who climbed out the window
  75. the crowd
  76. The kingdom of the blind
  77. treasure island
  78. the little prince
  79. the journey to the west
  80. night circus
  81. children of ruin
  82. the department of sensitive crimes
  83. the blood mirror
  84. the good husband of zebra drive
  85. in the company of cheerful ladies
  86. the Kalahari typing school for men
  87. the full cupboard of life
  88. Blue shoes of happines
  89. The parasitic mind
  90. the wrecker
  91. memoirs of extraordinary popular delusions and the madness of crowds NF
  92. the talented mr varg
  93. the road to wigan pier
  94. the girls with no names

A woman of my future

With another year around the sun, I have to come to terms with getting older. I only have experience being the woman that I have been up to yesterday. How to I become a woman I haven’t been yet?

I have to think about what kind of older woman I want to be. What is it I hope to arrive at?

One thing I’ve noticed about women who have experienced more life…is that the right phrase? I think it covers what I’m trying to get to. These older women know what they like.

In my twenties, in a new job, I noticed that the boss’s secretary..ahem…Administrative assistant..was a woman who appeared to have influence in what happened in that department. I invited her to have lunch to learn what she knew, and we went out to a nearby restaurant. She was so comfortable in this environment. She knew exactly what she wanted.

Sitting at the table like it had been made for her, she placed her order. She let that waiter know how it needed to happen. Some things were dry; other things were on the side. I watched her lift her chin and make all her preferences known—so confident her wishes would be granted.

I didn’t know you could do that. I placed by order like an amateur.

We chatted and ate our salads. She asked the right questions, ones I hadn’t thought of yet. And when we were done, she opened her purse and applied her lipstick while gazing into a compact mirror.

I had to break off my own piece of that elegance. I fumbled in my purse to find the tools.

Once I noticed this creature in the wild, I saw them more. The ladies who know how to have a little heater at their feet. All the things that make life comfortable can be assembled and arranged to best effect.

This lady builds a nest where ever she goes. Sometimes she will share the comfort bubble with people around.

I could slip into being that kind of creature, I think. I could enjoy that—being a lady who can get the comforts gathered up around her. The future is uncertain but it is comforting to picture myself as a comfortable, confident woman who can ask people nicely for exactly what she wants. And get it! More times that not.

Happy new year to you all. I hope it will be full of comfortable things.