By now, I’m sure I’ve learned some things. This is not my first rodeo. I’ve got some idea about how things are going to go. I’ve figured out there are things I want to avoid.

Some things are not my cup of tea. I don’t have to like everything.

Other things may seem amazing, but they are just too hard. I’d love it, I admire it, but no way can I do that. And I’m so very sure I know what I know.

Except I might just step out and find that I didn’t know everything after all. Some things which I thought were beyond my abilities can move within my reach.

Hard stuff can become easy. I’ve seen the world shift into an easier shape. I’ve had my blog for 20 years now. When I first put it up on my own website it was terrifyingly complicated. I had to learn deep geekery moves to put the blog software in place on my own domain. But the world moved under me. Deeper geeks than I moved the foundations to make it easier for everyone. Now it’s even automatic. Some of it.

There are other times when I am exactly where I left off. Yesterday I found myself walking up the stairs in a parking garage. I couldn’t remember if the car was parked at the top or maybe one deck below.

And I flashed back to five years ago, walking up the stairs at a job site. It was the first day working with this crew and I was nervous. The elevators didn’t run. and I. I remember walking up those stairs five years ago and feeling every step, panting my way to the top. Trying to breathe quietly so people didn’t notice and think poorly of me.

But yesterday I realized I had walked the same three flights and it was not difficult. What’s happened in those five years? The stairs are the same, but my body is different. I got stronger. I did the work so that it got easy.

So maybe this rodeo I think I know is not the same show. I’m certainly not. I think it is worth taking a look around again and seeing what might be easier. And maybe if I take another sip, I might like a cup of tea after all.

4-17 poem

There’s a lot of people talking like they know

it’s all a guess

seems nobody knows

But I could be wrong

Finger to the wind

This! THIS is the way

until another is found

must be found

are you sure?

Yes! I want to be.

running over

When I got this house with a yard, one of the first Christmas present I got was a trove of bulbs. I didn’t even know what flowers they were but i planted them all by the fence and forgot about them

They didn’t forget. Deep in the earth these plants were tracking the sunlight. They knew when to poke their shoots into the air. The leaves arabesque’d into the sun as an intro. Then the flowers.

They were hyacinths. White columns of spiral flowers opened up and released their beautiful scent.

The multi-sensory beauty was almost more than I could stand.  This was all for me? It was so beautiful I felt like i had to catch the overspill and preserve it. I cut the flowers and brought small batches of beauty to my neighbors. I hadn’t even met them, but I felt compelled to catch this beauty and make sure it had a chance to be appreciated.

Spring is like that . 

The world explodes in so much abundance it spills over, and cant be contained. So much it’s shocking.

Every time. It happens every time. It’s how things work. I can rely on it.

I hear the same call whenever I am preparing for a party, having friends over to my house.  I check to make sure I have enough for everyone. I used to wonder why I always got way too much. 

Surely I had a better sense of how much was needed than this! I had so much extra.

But just like the whole world creates more than enough—a celebration and a feast every season—I feel part of that too. 

At Easter time, in the Spring, I’m happy to be part of the cycle of abundance.


The times you’re disappointed with yourself are never the times you are surprised by yourself.
James Lileks

April fool’s day just passed. It’s a time to hide behind a corner and surprise someone.

Boo! Got you!

It’s easy to fall into the rhythm of all the usual things. I know what to expect; there are very few surprises left. Maybe I’m not even looking for surprising. I’ve got my rhythm now.

I’m not always happy when someone else fools me.

But I will try to fool myself. My husband is not happy that I have the bedside clock some random number of minutes ahead of the real time, to fool myself into thinking I have more time than I do—that I still have enough time to be early. I’m trying to make room in my life for me to be better than I have been.

It’s such a wonderful feeling, to be better. It takes so long though. It takes a lot of lifting heavy things and putting them back down again. And again. And again.

Until one day I find that the heavy thing is seemingly lighter. Hooray!

I could be happy and rest in the delight of my new skill. But if I want to experience that delight again, I must go find a new heavier thing and start lifting that one.

I might not. I often forget to add the weight.

Challenging myself is and endless struggle and ironically and endless delight. I will never be done. Lileks said it up there, I will not be surprised if I don’t manage to keep at it. It’s the easiest thing in life to stop.

I don’t like the taste of disappointment. That’s what keeps me at the grind. I want to get that bit extra. So I feel like I am extra—or at least have a change of becoming so.

That thing I’m trying to be. It’s sitting right there. I only have to pick it up.