New considerations

A long long time ago, I can still remember how

The first time I want to Manhattan it was a work trip, and I was very excited to go on my own and the task I needed to complete couldn’t be done on Friday. I had to stay until Monday.

I was excited to have a whole weekend to stay in the city and explore it. But very quickly, I felt the strangeness of being alone. I didn’t know the city, and I didn’t know anyone. I missed having some people I belonged with.

Chris and Veronica have been away for the week. When the plans were made, they were going to take a road trip across the country. I was going to stay home and work.

Except—as it turned out I didn’t have a job to work at by the time they set out.

I was excited at first to do some things I had been putting off, to have my house and my time to myself.

Until it got very lonely and weird. I remembered the weekend in New York City when it was hard to find a place I belonged.

This week, I’ve had a place. But the place was empty without the people.

My family is an important part of the people that make me feel comfortable at home.

But the shock of unemployment took away an important people group I relied on. I get a lot of energy from the people I work with. Now that they are gone, my energy and well-being have taken a hit.

Back when I went to Manhattan, and when I made the plans for being alone this past week it didn’t cross my mind to be anything but strong and independent.

And I was.

The reality of the experience was stark. I could do it, or course. I could also stop breathing for a minute. That would be a very long minute.

I hadn’t realized how important my people are.

resting doesn’t feel right

The sun is shining longer and longer with the summer solstice within reach. The bees are enjoying it and happily buzzing around the flowers in my yard.

They are hard-working females just like me. I admire that they are graceful and strong and work together on their home. They all work together on their hive.

Once again, I am cut off from my work. I lost my job and I want to find another one. The bees have a headquarters that I don’t have.

People have heard that I’m jobless again. They are encouraging and offer sympathy.

“You can take it easy! Maybe you should take the summer off. You don’t have to look for a job right away.”

Once, I had a swarm of bees land in my backyard. It was a terrifying spectacle, hundreds of bees zooming around then landing in a heavy swarm on the nandina bush.

They stayed there all night, eventually leaving the next afternoon. They left wax hexagons on the bush. Even just one overnight stay, they were building a new hive.

Yes. Me and the bees. I am always building something, working on a project or expressing some idea. They do not rest when then are resting.

I felt sad that these bees couldn’t keep building on their start. I didn’t want the bees to live in my backyard, but they had a vision for a day that they could.

When they decided they couldn’t live there, they flew on to find a better spot. They didn’t linger once they made up their hive mind.

They don’t relax when they are on the hunt. 

My cat relaxes. My dog relaxes. 

Bees don’t much. Neither do I.

The backyard bee swarm were not angry. They were on the job of checking out their new surrounding for suitability.

There have been times when on the job hunt, I was agitated and freaked out. I don’t feel that way now.

I feel like the bees again. Looking around and assessing. I’m seeing what different spots have to offer. 

I’d like to lay down sturdy hexagons that will last.

Things that changed

Two things happened this week.

On Saturday, I went to a 40,000+ person punk rock festival and became a fan of everyone.

The Monday before, I lost my job.

In between sifting through the memories and impressions from the show, I’m thinking of what punk rock means. Going my own way. Rejecting the rules, rigidity and corporate do-the-regular-thing—that’s punk rock.

Well. I got rejected by the corporate world, even though at the moment they kicked me out I would have been happy to stay.

I am going my own way now.

I’m thinking of the movie School of Rock. It’s silly and its true:

One great rock show can change the world.

I went to this rock show because job that kicked me out had already given me free tickets. It was the last parting gift.

The music, the energy, the fans and the whole experience made me want to do bigger better more exciting things.

Every band I saw was excellent, and I didn’t see enough of them. These musicians had done the work. They suffered as they pushed to get better at their craft.

I am willing to bet…that just like the loser hero of in School of Rock, they were kicked out of a band or two. Like I’ve been kicked out of a job or two.

It hurts, but it’s not the end of the story. I’m ready to see what else is out there, get a new set list and find a new gig.

I have a sense of the sounds, of the energy I’m looking for.

When I was at the stage, getting pushed and pummelled in the sea of humanity that wanted to get to the action, to get close to the music I had to keep my feet under me. It was scary. It was dangerous.

It was so exciting! It was the most punk rock I’ve ever seen.

So this finding a new gig part, I can say this rock concert changed my world about that.

It’s left me with a new view on my world and what I want. As I’m looking I can repeat the prayer from the movie: 

God of Rock, thank you for this chance to kick ass. We are your humble servants. Please give us the power to blow people’s minds with our high voltage rock. In your name, we pray. Amen.