Looking for something else, I stumbled upon a notebook musing from a few years ago:<\/p>\n
I like best to see my face reflected in a window at night. The outline is clear, but the details are less distinct. It’s such an accomplished [self-contained] pleasure, admiring my own reflection.<\/p>\n
I once asked a man, at the beginning of a new romance, when we were first shyly revealing the traits we found marvelous and fascinating in each other, “Don’t you think I see you differently than you see yourself?”<\/p>\n
He considered and replied, “It’s only natural. I know myself better than you do.”<\/p>\n
It was so easy for me to admire and cherish him. But he to himself and me to myself–it’s not as easy. We know the blemishes.<\/p>\n
When I look into a mirror–a clear flat, distinct and well-lit reflection–my eyes seek our all the imperfections. I put my face right close and examine all the planes and crevices. I wonder what I’m looking for? Don’t I know my face already? I don’t linger over the good features, but I move straight to mottles in my skin, or to my crooked teeth. Are my eyebrows incorrect? And which standard should I choose?<\/p>\n
I want to believe I am beautiful. I want it so very badly. Because if I am beautiful, I will be loved. And if I am loved, then I will live in the sunshine and nothing can be wrong.<\/p>\n
I don’t undersatnd this trap, a slippery slop to never-fulfillment. What if I am loved, but am not beautiful? What if it rains on me and the ones who love me? It must be a flaw in me. When hard times come, it must be because I am not loved enough. But who could love me enough? I am not beautiful enough for that kind of love.<\/p>\n
When I see myself in the night-window reflection, I am less distinct. I don’t have to see the confusing minutia of my appearance. I can be pleased with the outline. I can love myself, forgive the imperfections. I can have what I so crave and not be indebted to someone else.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Looking for something else, I stumbled upon a notebook musing from a few years ago: I like best to see my face reflected in a window at night. The outline is clear, but the details are less distinct. It’s such … Continue reading