This summer…no, maybe this whole year…has been one of ups and downs.<\/p>\n
I’ve heard of manic swings. I always thought i was the kind who would go for the up side of the energy, not really to down side.<\/p>\n
Something happened early this year, though. I plummeted. I had a goal, I had a plan. And it bottomed. It bottomed and I was stuck<\/p>\n
Yes, I had had surgery. Yes, I had personal relationship difficulties that were outside of my control–yes, I said it. I couldn’t do anything to budge those interpersonal issues.<\/p>\n
My goals were stalled.<\/p>\n
All I’ve ever had were my goals.<\/p>\n
I couldn’t seem to make progress on ANYTHING.<\/p>\n
except one thing. I finished my manuscript. The only thing 100% in my power, and<\/p>\n
I FINISHED IT<\/p>\n
I FINISHED IT<\/p>\n
I WROTE THE THING<\/p>\n
which is great. and an impossibility<\/p>\n
I wrote it all down and i did it and I did it and I finished it and I wrote it and it is done and it is FINISHED<\/p>\n
IT IS FINISHED<\/p>\n
of course, that isn’t the end. Getting to the end of the story isn’t the story.<\/p>\n
What happens during the happily every after? there are lots and lots of multitudinous moments in the happily ever after<\/p>\n
And then, I got to the end. That meant I got to tighten up the story of my life.<\/p>\n
Because all that stuff happened. And it happened just like I said. But what if I said it differently?<\/p>\n
I had this happen before. When I was leaving my first husband, I wrote the story of what had happened to lead up to the divorce. I knew, I knew it went deep.<\/p>\n
And I wrote it all all, almost ten pages or maybe it was twenty of what had led to this.<\/p>\n
And I kept writing it and tightening it…for days until I forced myself to stop. I knew I was becoming obsessed with it because I wished I could have made it turn out differently.<\/p>\n
I think I wished i didn’t have to have a divorce, or at the very least I didn’t have to have all that pain.<\/p>\n
The pain of the divorce was terrifying, and it was a ripping away of who I thought I was<\/p>\n
I thought I was my mother’s daughter, and my God’s chosen child.<\/p>\n
to choose this divorce, to choose myself, meant I was not part of my family and not the chosen child of God<\/p>\n
I decided God and my family would have to take second place to me.<\/p>\n
I really thought it would kill me.<\/p>\n
Then, at that time, I looked at me and saw<\/p>\n
[space intentionally left blank]<\/p>\n
I saw all the things I *could* be but that I wasn’t…things I hadn’t been allowed to be, and the gates were closing on me like the huge gate on a tiny soace ship going as fast as it could to escape and catch up with the rebel forces.<\/p>\n
I could do it! I should try! All the things I hoped for and longed for<\/p>\n
what were those things again?<\/p>\n
education and career. Career first, because that was the short cut. Career meant smart. PROVABLY smart because of a paycheck<\/p>\n
X dollars an hour smart<\/p>\n
and then there was the education. My education which was so very lacking. EVERYONE had college degrees but me.<\/p>\n
except for the people who didnt. and they didn’t because they had careers<\/p>\n
I didn’t know people didn’t hang with people who didn’t have jobs or education. EVERYONE seemed to have one or both<\/p>\n
i’m forty now, not 24<\/p>\n
anyway.<\/p>\n
This year, I hit the wall. I had no where to go to get to the career I wanted. I had TRIED everything, I had thrown myself against every door until I was bruised and bloody<\/p>\n
and I’d finished my manuscript.<\/p>\n
I started to be free from all those demons I’d trapped on paper. Those expectations and those TRAPS<\/p>\n
I saw I was living those traps still. i dont want to be the loser with the same hang ups UNTIL I DIE<\/p>\n
I reached out into the void, knowing I had to learn something. This wasn’t working.<\/p>\n
That void of what I really wanted, I wanted to find myself.<\/p>\n
So, when I chose myself during that divorce I didnt’ have to know what I was choosing. The anything that I might have been was better than what was.<\/p>\n
Anything was better than what that was.<\/p>\n
Now…it’s time to get more specific. The sands are filling the hourglass of my life.<\/p>\n
I mean, I’M the same i ever was…but my friends are all looking pretty old.<\/p>\n
I would like to spend some time getting to know myself better. What do I want? What do I like?<\/p>\n
really really<\/p>\n
those are some very weak signals.<\/p>\n
and they are the most critical signals of all<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This summer…no, maybe this whole year…has been one of ups and downs. I’ve heard of manic swings. I always thought i was the kind who would go for the up side of the energy, not really to down side. Something … Continue reading