I have a dentist appointment on Friday. I’ve had a very up and down relationship with my dentist office.<\/p>\n
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The first time I went there was a few years ago.\u00a0 The dentist looked in my mouth and shook her head. “There are a lot of problems here.”<\/p>\n
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She had no idea. At that time, I had hit the wall. I was leaving a slimy smear sliding down the wall in a blubbering mess with no strength to push away.<\/p>\n
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I couldn’t do anything right. I frantically needed a win. I was losing at so much of everything. In my desperation I thought a dentist appointment would give me an easy affirmation. There is no way to fail at going to the dentist, right? Easy win.<\/p>\n
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I hadn’t been in a while. In my<\/i> mind, this was a victory and I deserved to be given a fatted calf and welcomed into the arms of dental care of the like a long-lost beloved.<\/p>\n
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It began with the hygienist. “You need to brush your teeth.”<\/p>\n
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WHAT?! I do brush my teeth!<\/p>\n
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“There is a lot of decay here. You also need to floss. It looks like you got a bad draw from the genetic lottery. It happens. You are going to have a tough time.”<\/p>\n
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There were a lot of follow-ups. I longed to prove their estimation of me false.<\/p>\n
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“I have been flossing,” I told the hygienist with pride on my next visit. She shook her head and looked grave.<\/p>\n
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What could I do to make them happy?! How could I make this right?<\/p>\n
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I was diligent. I needed to do something right, couldn’t they see what I was doing? I had started new habits, I was showing up and was working so hard. Wasn’t it enough?<\/p>\n
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Fillings and cleanings, I searched the faces of these professional experts for a sign of approval.<\/p>\n
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The dentist herself was colder, not as warmly concerned as the hygienist. “You have a lot of cavities here. We will have to get this taken care of. Make sure to check with the receptionist for your next appointment.”<\/p>\n
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They crowned my teeth but not my heart.<\/p>\n
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In a last effort to win the prize of affirmation, I had all four wisdom teeth pulled. The oral surgeon and his handsome and so sympathetic son (also a doctor!) were caring and congratulatory. A week of painkillers and I had perfect teeth.<\/p>\n
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My mouth was a clean battleground of victory!<\/p>\n
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At last I attended my next appointment, knowing that this time I would win the approval I so richly deserved. I had earned<\/i> it.<\/p>\n
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The hygienist poked into my mouth. “Does that hurt?”<\/p>\n
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Yes!<\/p>\n
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“Your gums are too sensitive. Are you using the right toothpaste? This is a problem.”<\/p>\n
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My gums are too sensitive? TOO SENSITIVE?!<\/p>\n
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My mouth is jammed open, but my MIND is full of choice words. My gums and teeth are as they are. Too bad you are disappointed in my existence.<\/p>\n
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I have done every every thing you told me to do, and you wouldn’t even believe me when I told you I developed new habits.<\/p>\n
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Is my mouth wrong? Did I come too late to the party? Mine are the gums that have always been sensitive, even since I was a kid. That’s why I didn’t develop the flossing habit. Because it hurt! and now that I have been so brave and overcome THE PAIN and I DO floss, you still disapprove.<\/p>\n
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I’ll never get the gold star.<\/p>\n
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What a horrible choice, to place my happiness in the approval of a dentist chair.\u00a0 Guilt and Novocain are the tools of their trade.<\/p>\n
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I know better now. I never would have been so desperate in the first place to get their approval if I’d been listening to myself.<\/p>\n
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I’d been putting it off, when I went the first time. However, one flaw does not mean they hold the wheel for the rest of time. I should not place myself at their mercy.<\/p>\n
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Guilt is a high priced hobby. .<\/p>\n
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I’m here now, as I am. And I win.\u00a0 Every day, every morning, I can give myself a gold star. That wall is far away and I’m not hitting it. \u00a0You can’t make me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have a dentist appointment on Friday. I’ve had a very up and down relationship with my dentist office. The first time I went there was a few years ago.\u00a0 The dentist looked in my mouth and shook her … Continue reading