It’s hard to talk about.<\/p>\n
I’ve learned since that when something happens and you don’twantto-can’t-areafraidto talk about it, that is a big red flag for abuse.<\/p>\n
Shame is the tool of the abuser. Secrecy and silence.<\/p>\n
So when at last I leave and I am out, I carry the message. Don’t speak. Don’t be that guy that hangs on to things to be dramatic.<\/p>\n
No one will believe me.<\/p>\n
And no one will understand.<\/p>\n
Just be glad you’re out. Be glad it’s over.<\/p>\n
But then. When every church service means I cry silently without stopping it doesn’t quite feel over.<\/p>\n
It must be the songs. The songs I played on that church piano, the only piano I had access to. THe place where I could express myself in pure emotion and leave dangerous words out of it.<\/p>\n
I can’t stand in church and hear those same songs I played without tears. Crying might be the wrong word. Because it is a reflexive reaction. It’s barely emotion, and it doesn’t even hurt<\/p>\n
that much<\/p>\n
It’s just that i have to cry.<\/p>\n
What if I went to a church that didn’t look, sound, smell or feel like the one I played the piano in?<\/p>\n
I tried that. It worked okay for a while.<\/p>\n
Until the leader and the group started to feel the same. No, I will not repent and confess if I miss a Sunday service. As a matter of fact, I think I will miss every Sunday service from here on out.<\/p>\n
I can be confidence and fippant after the fact. At the time there were a lot more tears.<\/p>\n
But they never knew about the church with that piano. Not really.<\/p>\n
I wrote a book about it at last. I pushed past the shame and silence and secrecy.<\/p>\n
People may still say I am over dramatic.<\/p>\n
And then there will be the people who read the book, and it drops down into their still silent heart like a stone in a lake.<\/p>\n
All the way down to the bottom, never to be removed.<\/p>\n
Because they will know. They will know that SOMEONE told it. That the secrecy is a broken rule.<\/p>\n
A broken lock<\/p>\n
and the jail cell can be vacated.<\/p>\n
Be that guy. The one that breaks free<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It’s hard to talk about. I’ve learned since that when something happens and you don’twantto-can’t-areafraidto talk about it, that is a big red flag for abuse. Shame is the tool of the abuser. Secrecy and silence. So when at last … Continue reading