My life had come to a point: If I didn\u2019t leave my husband I would be abandoning myself. \u00a0The pain of trying to abandon myself for the sake of this marriage had left me a whimpering empty vessel. My whole upbringing told me that I did not have this choice.<\/p>\n
Upon close examination, I did have the choice. But the choice was to step away not only from my husband, but from everyone.<\/p>\n
When I chose that, the whimpering vessel shattering into a million pieces of pain and loneliness.<\/p>\n
That was all a long time ago. This is not a story about my divorce.<\/p>\n
This is a story about looking at the future.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n After my divorce, I didn\u2019t know how to look at the future. I had never conceived of a future in which it was possible to make my own decisions. I lived out of books, and I had a superstitious impression that I was doomed. Like Madame Bovary and every other \u201cbad girl\u201d I figured there was a cost\u2014probably death\u2014for choosing myself above my obligations.<\/p>\n The Future was so inconceivable I had trouble making plans for the weekend.<\/p>\n Except in other ways, I was starving for what I wanted. I\u2019d been postponing it long enough.<\/p>\n I enrolled in college classes. Would I really have a chance to get a bachelor\u2019s degree? I didn\u2019t know if I would make it that far, but as long as I drew breath I knew what I\u2019d be doing for the next few months.<\/p>\n I would be doing the homework. One step at a time to get a little closer to my big goal.<\/p>\n A small signpost in the impenetrable fog of my future.<\/p>\n \n\u201cThis way.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n Ok. I will move that way.<\/p>\n Big dreams are like that. Full of small actions with an eye past the horizon.<\/p>\n I heard an inspirational speaker telling me this week to look toward the future.\u00a0 She said \u201cYou can\u2019t change the world from the rear view mirror.\u201d<\/p>\n After my divorce, the present was drowning me. The future was barely better, but I was pulling towards it. I stumbled and found it.<\/p>\n And it found me.<\/p>\n Facing forward is where it happens.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n I am reminded of this when my inner critic tells me how I\u2019m doing it all wrong because I haven\u2019t properly finished all the things I\u2019ve started.<\/p>\n That I have some work to do before I can do the things I really *want* to do.<\/p>\n It\u2019s a big job to change the world. I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m up for it.<\/p>\n And yet\u2026<\/p>\n \nI want to change *my* world.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n Some of the tired old projects can wait.<\/p>\n Or maybe they can face the future too and help me understand how to move it forward.<\/p>\n I am done with the past. There is so much more that is ready to happen.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" My life had come to a point: If I didn\u2019t leave my husband I would be abandoning myself. \u00a0The pain of trying to abandon myself for the sake of this marriage had left me a whimpering empty vessel. My whole … Continue reading