Happiness was never something I was supposed to pursue. Happiness was a fortunate side effect of being good.<\/p>\n
Being good was the whole point. And if you were good, you might get to be happy.<\/p>\n
But happy was something to earn, for sure.<\/p>\n
More recently I have learned that happiness is something to be desired in and of itself. Just because.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes it make you happy? Then do it!\u201d<\/p>\n
See those quote marks? There are to indicate that someone else is saying that. Not me. Even after I was first introduced to the concept of personal happiness, even after it started rolling around in my head.<\/p>\n
Not for me. It was someone else who thought of that. Someone else who asked themselves if they were happy.<\/p>\n
Personal happiness as a concept might not have penetrated my consciousness if I hadn\u2019t become a parent.<\/p>\n
It was very easy to see that I wanted my daughter to be happy. Her personal happiness was something I spent a lot of time nurturing. For her, I could spend time and effort.<\/p>\n
For me?<\/p>\n
Cinderella\u2019s my girl. Only AFTER I get the drapes and floors done, THEN I could put some time into making a dress for the ball.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been exploring this idea of personal happiness. Kicking the tires of my previous assumptions.<\/p>\n
So yeah, two months ago I lost my job. Boss FIRED me. That was tough. I spend a few weeks right after that dealing with his judgment of me.<\/p>\n
Was he right to fire me? Did I deserve to have a job? Perhaps he was right, and I was wrong. Maybe HE saw something I couldn\u2019t, and I was a fool for thinking I had something to offer.<\/p>\n
Even as those feelings of judgement washed over me, as I fought to find my way to the truth of the matter, I knew that I did have something to offer. I KNEW it. He was one guy, and he didn\u2019t know everything.<\/p>\n
I knew I would keep looking and I would find my spot.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s a beautiful quote:
\nFaith is the evidence of things not seen.<\/p>\n
I had faith.<\/p>\n
Sometimes.<\/p>\n
I had\u00a0 faith that I would find my spot. I just didn\u2019t see it.<\/p>\n
Then I would have not-faith. Doubt? Yeah, that is a good world for it.<\/p>\n
But I wanted that job. I did the work to find it, sending applications every day and reaching out to people I knew who might have a job for me.<\/p>\n
And I felt like I was stuck on pause.<\/p>\n
Can I be happy? I didn\u2019t have the new job. I didn\u2019t have the proof that the guy who fired me was wrong.<\/p>\n
I rode the wheel of faith, soaring to the top of feeling confident and happy. Then wheeling down into the depths of doubt and judgement.<\/p>\n
Also spending a lot of time in the floaty middle. Not happy, not sad. Just waiting.<\/p>\n
That is not the person I usually am. I am kinetic moving forward most of the time. This time though, I felt on pause.<\/p>\n
I wanted to be happy. But I couldn\u2019t seem to let myself be happy\u00a0 until I had the definite job.<\/p>\n
As if<\/p>\n
new job = happy<\/p>\n
There was an equation for happiness, and something had to be on the other side.<\/p>\n
Right back to the beginning.<\/p>\n
I had to be good, and happy was the side effect.<\/p>\n
As I\u2019ve been experimenting with happiness, I am thinking it\u2019s not an equation.<\/p>\n
It works better when happiness is its own thing, like an element. Like Gold or Silver.<\/p>\n
It can stand on its own, not dependent on conditions. It has a right to stand on its own, not propped up by circumstances<\/p>\n
This fifth wheel inside my head though, I might need to drill down a bit deeper to find the ore.<\/p>\n
A whole lot of crap has been accumulating, making it hard to get to the gold.<\/p>\n
But there\u2019s gold in them there. I am going to go get it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Happiness was never something I was supposed to pursue. Happiness was a fortunate side effect of being good. Being good was the whole point. And if you were good, you might get to be happy. But happy was something to … Continue reading