I remember in 5th grade, I was very aware when things were not fair. Was it possible that thing in my 5th grade class and school were particularly unfair?<\/p>\n
Sure.<\/p>\n
But then I read a book where the main character was also in 5th grade–by Judy Blume or Beverly Cleary–and that girl kept saying my catch phrase “It’s not fair!”<\/p>\n
And I thought, maybe this is something that 5th graders do.<\/p>\n
My daughter is in 4th grade. Her phrase right now is “I”M SORRY!”<\/p>\n
At first the phrase was very intense, followed with a stream of unstoppable words. “I’m sorry what did I do wrong did I make a mistake I knew I made a mistake what did I do wrong I’m sorry”<\/p>\n
“STOP TALKING!”<\/p>\n
Apparently she had tasted the fruit of the tree of shame and guilt. This is not a flavor I want for my daughter.<\/p>\n
“Veronica, it’s okay to make mistakes. I make a million mistakes a day.”<\/p>\n
She narrowed her eyes at me. “How is that possible? There is not enough time in the day to make a million mistakes.”<\/p>\n
My girl has a literal math mind.<\/p>\n
“Oh, you have no idea how good I am at making mistakes.”<\/p>\n
But the thing is, I don’t want to stay in mistakes. I want to recognize them and correct them. I want to move past them as quickly as possible. That’s what I want for Veronica.<\/p>\n
Just the year before she could do that. Something changed.<\/p>\n
“Bunny, what you are doing is not really a mistake. It’s more of an oops. It’s okay. You don’t have to feel so bad about it. Everyone does oops when they are doing something new or something hard. It’s okay.”<\/p>\n
So now, I get to tell her that she is doing something wrong when she howls I”MSORRYI”MSORRY! I wish I had a magic wand, but I don’t. So I have to tell her that she is wrong to think she’s wrong.<\/p>\n
She still howls I’m sorry, but the recovery period is shorter. Which is a change in the right direction.<\/p>\n
Brene Brown says that the lifetime shame scars set in in grade schools. That creativity is shamed for most people at this age. I can want for her what I would want for myself:<\/p>\n
The ability to shake off the imposed standards and have a friendly<\/em> internalized standard for evaluating my efforts.<\/p>\n Grade school and adult life as well can feel very powerless if we let other people have the power of telling us if we are ok.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I remember in 5th grade, I was very aware when things were not fair. Was it possible that thing in my 5th grade class and school were particularly unfair? Sure. But then I read a book where the main character … Continue reading