Okay, so I’m an engineer. I do technology for a living.

and it is humdrum when it’s something that I’ve done before.

But when I encounter technology…NEW technology..Something that I am supposed to know, to be responsible for and I’m the only one

it scares me

As in

my lungs can’t quite fill
my head feels light

I look at that problem and don’t have clue one about what to do

I don’t know what to do or where to begin

and this monstrous vaccuum of knowledge will somehow swallow me and destroy me

…it’s related to the steamroller…

What do I do? I pace around and try to figure out if there is an EXIT sign

usually not

then what I do is shotgun out as fast as I can to as many places as I can to find a clue

I talk to EVERYONE I see about it, look at the problem and poke at it from different angles, and google like mad

because somewhere deep inside I am sure that I will die if I continue to not know

I have some friends (why is it always the female friends?) who say frequently “Oh, you’re so good. I could never do what you do. Technology scares me.”

Well, it scares me too. But if it’s the only path to get from where I am to where I want to be…

then, like a terrified person crossing a rope bridge over the abyss

I suck it up and figure it out

because I have to get there.