Look what I have

It was great to see Jessica, Christy and Greg and celebrate the day of the dead this Sunday. As we were getting ready to board the gold line, I was having trouble figuring out how to make my card work and I was filled with dread.
Let me explain. The day before a private investigator working on behalf of the guy who assaulted me in July had come TO MY HOUSE. I did not like to think that people connected to my assailant (who is still in jail) would know where I live. I sent him packing, and I still felt exposed.
Also, it is very hard for me to tear myself away from my family. I LONG to have time for myself and yet there is always this heavy feeling that I should always be with my husband and daughter when I am not working. In my mind, I allowed myself to HAVE this time with friends on sunday on the condition that I not stay out too late. 
See how I’m cinderella and the wicked stepmother to myself all at once?
So I didnt’ like the idea of beign out too late, but I thought, hey I can just leave on my own if it gets too late. And as I was loading up my fare for the metro, I pictured leaving my friends early, coming back alone on the gold line and going home like a responsible mother.
Coming back alone.
What could go wrong?
my fears resounded off the memory of what DID go wrong that one time when I was assaulted and started clanging my alarm bells.
I stepped back. “I don’t think I should go.” People give all kinds of advice on how to be safe. and traveling alone at night on public transportation through not-great neighborhoods is a common piece of advice.
I found it off, and I went. I told Christy I was a little nervous because of what had happened the day before. And how I didn’t feel great about having to come back alone.
She said “Maybe that won’t happen.”
I hadn’t even asked for someone to come back with me. I didn’t let people know in the moment that I needed a little extra help right then.
I didn’t let myself HAVE friends who would be inconvenienced for me. Somehow, in my mind, I was asking for almost too much to be there at all. That taking an after noon off from family was a huge deal, and I was stretching just to do that.
In the past I have had friends who would not extend themselves for me in anyway. That’s not the case now.
It was surprising to see all this in myself. Isn’t it funny? LIke, if I can just keep my skirt smooth and my makeup flawless I will not have bad things happen. I will never be assaulted or be rejected by friends.
But if I never show that I’m in trouble or in need, i”ll never get to see what beautiful people my friends are.

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