I’ve been feeling down. Well, that’s an understatement. Friday I got some news and it squashed me flat.
It reminds me of something Mark Twain said:
I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
The news had to do with some people’s opinion of me. It squashed me flat. Of course I ran to all my friends, and told them about it. They encouraged me, and I felt sustained.
For about 15 minutes.
If I was lucky.
Then I would let it get to me again and I would run to the next friend to get encouragement.
I was running out of people who would take my calls. I was relentlessly needy.
And I felt like I did not deserve these amazing friends. I was so unworthy…that’s why the catalyst negative opinion of me had been correct in the first place!
But I was down. I couldn’t shake it. So I called some more friends and got some more comfort.
Even as I was low I knew this was not sustainable. I had to find a way to not be dependent on other people to get me through this.
There is a book I like Loveability by Dr. Robert Holden. He writes:
Looking for love is painful. You are looking for love because you have judged yourself to be unloveable. Until you change your mind about yourself, your only hope is to find someone who will overturn this judgment.
Well, that about summed it up. I had to shake off this Other Person’s Opinion of how I was unworthy and form my own opinion that I was a worthy person.
I called my brother Bryan, with 1% of this figured out, and he really helped walk me through understanding the rest of what I needed to do to get out of my hole.
Right now, I’m in a transitional place. That’s the new word for unemployed: “in transition.” That was part of what had knocked me all the way down. My usual coping tools had to do with buckling down at work.
That was not available, so I had to come up with a new way of being ok.
One of my tools that I (re) discovered that would help me feel ok is writing about it.
Like now. Like right now.
During my panic of self-loathing, I had found myself envying smokers. I have never smoked, but it seems such a perfect solution. Introduce an addiction in one’s life, then whenever things are bad, serving the addiction will make it a little better.
Writing is not exactly an addiction, but it is something that always makes it a little better.
Once I got my bearings back, and remembered that other people’s opinions can be safely discarded, that I do not have to espouse that opinion, I felt quite a bit better.
But it was scary for a bit. And I thought I’d write about it for my beloved readers.
Those that go searching for love
only make manifest their own lovelessness,
and the loveless never find love,
only the loving find love
and they never have to seek for it.