I finally finished the powerpoint presentation. Even as I say that, I wonder if I am using an outdated phrase.

I used to feel confident about what I know, and unconcerned about what other people called it. But this presentation was really hard to create. I was increasingly convinced that I was the problem.

A Greek chorus was singing that I didn’t have skills anymore. What once was now is not. The chorus yowls that the world has moved on and I have no place in anymore.

Every problem was bigger than me, and anything could get me off track.

Desperate, I used every trick to get to done. And I did.

Which leads me to today. I have to write MORE. I maintain the wonderblog, which is made up of this Weekly Wonder.

More writing? I have to face the shrieks of the chorus again.

WHY do I do this?

I wonder.

Oh.

I started this blog to write about wonder. It was fun to name it the Wonder blog! The phrase itself has a superhero cape.

But really, the blog has been about curiosity, exploration and investigation.

Wonder.

The word feels spacious. Open, not shrunken.

Not scary. Wonder is peaceful excitement.

There is room for me. I can move into it and through it.

Caterwauling chorus must be left behind.

I wasn’t thinking about it as I worked through that scary powerpoint. I’d put enough reps in that it came through the onslaught.

I practice wonder, and am dedicated to the discipline.

The Artemis 2 astronauts made it back. They executed the mission and went further than anyone has ever gone before.

As I recall, the NASA missions are well thought out. There is a checklist, and a plan for every situation.

Still

Back here on earth, people were holding their breath waiting for the astronauts to land safely. Sure, there are checklists and all the situations had been considered. But we’ve seen those plans go wrong before. And remember, they were going to see what no one had ever seen before.

The astronauts are back safe and we are all breathing again.

I never left, but my life right now seems like I’m bouncing around on the dark side of the moon.

I am in a new place I’ve never been before

It’s been more than 8 months since I had a job. That’s disturbing and different.

I’ve been trying but failing.

I also put my energy into publishing this book I had on hold.

Stupid cancer kept me from finishing it. A month ago I launched it. And people are loving it. I am getting appreciation and validation. I’m so grateful.

Unlike NASA, I didn’t have a plan for this. I didn’t expect success. What does this require from me?

The book itself is full of systems, checklists and ways to organize. That’s my specialty.

Except I am not doing any of these things. I am on the far side of the room trying to pick up all the green cheese.

What am I doing?

I don’t know anything. I am scrambling and distracted and I don’t know the territory.

Except I did get here. That has to count for something.

Back to the fundamentals. I have collected some trusty tools and tricks.

I can concentrate on what I know. The new stuff needs to wait for a minute.

I’m figuring it out. I’ll get home safe. Keep Breathing.

Holidays are rich in tradition and the dinner is a part of that. I was looking forward to using my grandmother’s pie crust recipe this Easter. It felt special to be connected to her, even long after she has been gone.

Family recipes are part of holiday gatherings all over the world. A reliable crowd pleaser makes history. It’s not so easy to achieve: family can be very vocal in their displeasure. They will let you know if something isn’t right, especially the little kids. A favorite dish is part of the tradition, and people remember it and look forward to it

Some people guard their recipes as a secret and never share the secret. People who hoard their expertise often use it to as proof of their worth:

“No one else could do it like me”

It’s true. The individual has their unique way of doing it. The dish would come out different because each person will do the recipe with their style.

My grandmother shared her recipe freely. Of course, there are things she knew to finesse, like the temperature of the shortening, how fast to stir and the thickness of the crust, etcetera. I am getting more experience with it and learning what to watch for.

I’ve worked with people who hoarded their knowledge in a similar way. I’d be trying to figure out how to manage a project and be working out the next steps.

I’ve had guys tell me tell me that projects are done by feel, and the only way to get it right is through experience.  

Which gave them the perfect excuse to hoard their knowledge. I couldn’t call their methods “best practices” because they were held behind closed doors. No one else was allowed to practice them. Then the cherished stories of the disasters. If I were working through a disaster, these withholding PMs would nod and tell me about their worst disaster. They anticipated that I would have a disaster and seemed that is was going to happen to me.

I moved away from those people, and made a point of collecting what I learned into a book, the AV Project Manager Handbook I want everyone to know what I learned. I would hope people could take what I learned, make it better and teach me something new. That’s the tradition I like to keep.

The voice mail went “My nae is Troy McClure—I am a best selling author and holder of several patents. I will be calling you on Wednesday at 9 Am to discuss a project manager position with the Department of Excellent at my University.”

What kind of fool was this? Who talks like that? And he didn’t even ask if I was free at the time.

I wanted to hear what would happen on Wednesday at 9 AM.

I answered, ready to hear what this was. Yes, he was real. He did have a job opening. And after a few more minutes—most of which were spent talking about himself—he asked me for a second interview.

I didn’t actually meet him.

But I had a second interview with the people at the university, and they were tougher. I even had to do an impromptu presentation on a topic of their choice. Like homework.

But I was in!

The best selling author had gotten me excited about the work. I was ready to get down to it.

He called me on the phone every morning to dump his vision of the work on my head.

I was all in! I swam thought it to find the tasks I could work on.

I wanted to get going on it. We had a department to grow—a Department of Excellence.

No one else was in the department. Just me, because the other people were still to be hired. I did what I could fish out from the daily phone dump with the Best Selling Author.

By the first week I proudly showed what I had done. Look!

No pause, but the dump on this call now included a request that I stay in my lane.

Then he paused “I am going to love you.”

How wonderful! I was making progress.

If only I could make sense of the lane he wanted me to stay in. I was doing what he said needed done. I must just need to do it harder.

After two weeks, another person arrived in the department. I shared what I’d been hearing from the daily phone dumps. She was as lost as I was. And then the next person arrived. She was not informed, but she was more guarded. Probably she wanted to wait and see for herself.

So after the fourth week, the Best Selling Author stopped speaking to me.

And  the guarded women did too.

I went from being totally along for two weeks in this department to working with two—no, three, if I included the absent Best Selling Author—people who wouldn’t speak to me

Hm.

Was this growing pains? What this a challenge I had to work through?

Reluctantly, I went and talked to HR. They were as vague as HR is required to me.

Walkign back to my desk in the ice cold department of excellence, I decided I was going to make them fire me if that was their intent. I was the innocent victim here.

But those two women in the office with me. How could I unfreeze things?

I formed an irresistible strategy.  In the morning I walked up to the ice queen’s desk.

I stood and said:

“Why did the pirates go to the Caribbean?”

She glued her eyes to her screen.

I stayed.

I waited.

She looked up at me, despite her strong aversion, and said:

“Why?”

“Because the wanted some ARRR and ARRR”

I gave her a huge smile.

The other women laughed. Ice queen was on her back foot. Her snarls were out of place now.

So for that mornin I could repeat the punchline and make a place for myself on the battle ground.

6 weeks after I started, I was asked to go to a meeting at the other side of the campus. It was an 8 minute walk. The person who gave me the second interview was there, along with HR. Sign this, and clear your desk. You are done.

It is usual for fired employees to get escorted off my security. They knew the security gaurds had become my friends, so the university official said he would walk me.

8 minutes of a walk to my desk. Then to my car.

I said nothing. He did try to make conversation to make nice. Silence is loud.