Time hung spinning in the now with nowhere to land.
-The Russian American School of Tomorrow
I never miss a meeting for work. I am obsessively careful with time, not letting even casual phone calls go too long. There was an order to things.
There is no order now. It’s a joke “what day is it?” There is nothing to make our days different.
At least when I had my job, I had some flashing signs to direct my traffic.
There is no one waiting for me to show up and go through an agenda. Now it is just me.
But I’ve been here all along.
For 9 years, I had a job with a vehicle. It was shared, but I was officially the one who drove it most.
I did not set the radio buttons to my stations on that car for years. It didn’t feel like I was allowed to.
I remember that car now. This has been my life all along, and yet I have not set my presets.
My inbox piles up and I don’t clean it out. It’s just me. And maybe all those mass mailings will give me just what I need.
Can’t throw it away. You never know.
My fairy godmother could be in one of those.
I got nothing on my calendar anymore. But I have a ton of things I want to do.
But if it’s only me, I’ll stand myself up every time.
My urgency and drive look elsewhere.
I’m trying, but this shelter-at-home situation makes it hard on everyone. That reminded me of the quote from my book, when we crossed the international date line and had no idea what day or time it was.
But I want to do stuff. I am doing stuff, just not at the same rigidity.
And here is the example. This Weekly Wonder was not ready. I was going to write it, like I always do. But things. And stuff
Got in the way. Things that were supposed to happen did, and stuff that was supposed to be shorter was longer and the staging of the piece didn’t happen.
I am still committed to creating my writing. I am still very grateful to my readers. But I’ve become unstuck in time. And I am willing that my self-imposed deadline be flexible this time.
I am making accommodations but still keeping the vision. This is my life. I get to life in it. I will make it more my own, but apparently it takes some time.