dark night

Well, it’s five thirty and I”ve been awake since two. Or maybe midnight…It’s been a rather sleepless night.

Tomorrow, the workers are coming to work on our floors. They will be beautiful when it’s done, but for the moment, all the comfort is gone from the living room. Not a single upholstered item.

When I can’t sleep, which is happening more than it has in the past, I usually lay on the couch and watch TCM until I fall asleep. Turner Classic Movies has no commercials. When I am trying to sleep the commercials get in the way. TV stations have taken to turning the volume up on the ads, so they jerk you up out of restfulness. Even the non-commercial commercials on PBS are louder than the regular programming.

So, thank god for TCM. No commercials at all. Just the soothing voice of Robert Osborne and the old films.

But I am awake, with no TV and no couch. I had to go to the office and use the fold-out couch there. I was reading a book, which fills my mind more effectively than TV. But I finished the book. I am tired, and I know I will be further exhausted later today. But sleep is not coming.

I am thinking about pain and fear. These are the things that are keeping sleep away. Both are annoyingly subjective. And therefore dismissable.

But I don’t want to dismiss them. I want to find the path to better.

Dr. Laura says “I can’t cure normal.”  I guess it’s normal to feel pain when I am being disrespected and ..well…lied to..Is that what it’s called when the facts are twisted around to suit the one talking and never me?

Yeah, that hurts. ow.

And it’s normal to feel fear when I have to stand up for myself. Standing up for myself hasn’t worked out so well other times. But it’s normal to feel fear to stand up against people who have power over me.

It’s normal. Can’t cure normal. Dammit.

There are pain pills, but not for disrespect pain, I think.

There are not fear pills.

I feel so powerless. What can I do against the big everyone-else? just a whimpering little

stop it

Why bother? because all the big everyone elses are very loud and are very much in positions of power.

I am trying to remember other people who managed their own little stop it and it made a difference.

Rosa, what did you do? how scared were you when you didn’t get up out of your seat? I bet you didn’t sleep that night either.

One small stop it and afterwards half the town had to walk to work. For a long time.

I am trying to think of other people. The problem with people who speak truth to power is that they are often killed. Not a comforting thought.

But Rosa Parks died peacefully, and with great honor.

People say that a lot. “I don’t want to die on this hill” Meaning, pick your battles. Choose what is worth fighting for.

But what about the fights people pick with me?

I need reinforcements. There are long lists, different documents, many many that say “Respect is the policy. Fairness is required.”

They even have pictures and little examples of unfair and disrespectful things that are NOT TOLERATED.

I am trying to suspend my disbelief. Perhaps they do mean it. Perhaps there are reinforcements for my

stop it

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