This has happened to me before.
A lot of good things happened this last week that I could write about. One big event was going to the black belt test and cheering on my classmates to perservere in the test like I did last year. I had a lot of feelings while that was happening.
It was a year ago. And then it was this exact date December 10th that I had my 2nd thyroid surgery. I remember shaking with nerves before the black belt test.
And I remember being dizzy before the surgery. I wasn’t allowed to eat, so I was weak. That whole process lasted longer than I wanted.
But that was a long time ago. A whole year ago.
But after watching the test from the bleachers, I could see how intense it was. Split from the memory of my experience and seeing it from the outside, I remembered how hard all the things that came after.
Chris and I once climbed Mt Whitney, the tallest peak in California. There is a part on the trail called the ninety-Nine switchbacks. There are in the middle. Climb up, but there are still miles to go to get to the peak.
Miles to go.
Later, I could look back and see the path I traveled.
Watching my teammates last Saturday, I admired them. I foggily realized I could admire myself too. My fight had continued after I left the mat. I still had to keep my courage to face the knife in surgery twice more.
It until a year later that I had the clearing to look back and see what I’d traveled. I couldn’t stop along the way. There were miles to go.
On the mat, seconds had to be managed as I defneded against attacks. Hours and days had to be managed after surgeries, taking attention to ensure they passed successfully.
Many days have passed since then. The fight has gone out of them. I’m left with a quiet victory.
Like that saying
IF a tree falls and no one hears, did it really fall?
I bore witness to myself. I remember. My classmates remember too.
Some others bore witness to the stuff that came after. Even though it feels like a dream, all this really happened. I feel like I should be over it, but on this year anniversary of the surgery I am remembered how scared I was at the time.
I have to choose what comes next, in this quiet victory. That’s a big part of what I fought for, to have time to choose.