Category Archives: bookworthy

Got…to clear…My…Head…

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i have been working so hard this week. And last week too.

Maybe I’m a wuss. I know there are those people who work 60 hours a week on a regular basis. I’m losing my mind with 50.

Part of my problem this week is that I had my expectations raised. I HOPED for stuff. Expectations are crazy stuff. I think I’m better off having expectations, HOPES. It keeps me reaching to be the best I can be.

However, expectations never never never never turn into exactly what you expected. This is the beauty of life, really. We are surprised at every turn. We expect that stream of hot water in the shower, but it is always wetter somehow that we expect.

Life is so FULL. Sensorily full, yes. And at the same time it is even fuller, more rich and complex than our senses can grasp. There MORE out there. More..more..I can’t point to it, I can’t say what, but I can see bits of it through the chinks.

And so I am fascinated by the chinks. Sometimes it is frustrating to focus on the REAL HERE AND NOW.

ugh…I was happy being muse- ical. Don’t bother me with facts! Detach, relax and ride through like a spectator.

Except, once in a while, I actually want to do something. It grabs me and becomes really important. Maybe it’s something I want to do from inside myself. Or maybe it’s something other people push upon me.

Like work. It becomes very important at work to do something, enough that it makes me really want it. And then I work really hard to make it happen; I’ll stay long hours and think and examine and try. I’ll get frustrated and stay awake when I should be sleeping, pushing and prodding at the things in the way of me getting what I want.

When it’s a work thing, it pisses me off. I am not employed at my dream job. This thing I do for a paycheck is not the thing that moves my soul.

And yet. Picasso still had to clean his brushes. Life is full of things you must do that are not high and lofty. My job is certainly a good one. There are many aspects about it that I enjoy.

I have learned that it’s best not to get too involved in work. Things have a way of working out. I can become desperately impatient. My intensity should be reserved for other things, not the corporation.

Some corporations inspire that kind of intensity. Remember Apple Computers in the 80s? Maybe the attorneys where I work take that kind of joy and thrill out of their work; I am sure it can be very challenging. They pull the 50-60 hour weeks. I hope they do enjoy their work.

Well, once in a while, the corp. asks me to do something that is HARD. It takes concentration, it takes intensity. Those are the times I lose sleep. It’s also those times that I get frustrated with work. “Why can’t they give me what I WANT? What i NEED?”

I wouldn’t get frustrated if I didn’t need stuff. And I could think better if I weren’t frustrated. Thinking more clearly would help me figure out how to get what I need.

See the problem here?

There is a fine line here. Holding, but not grasping. Balance.

Makes me think of the Tao. I love the Toa Te Ching! Great great work. You have to let it go.

How business is done- The Voysey Inheritance

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Anybody remember Enron? Any body remember all those OTHER companies that were caught with their accounting pants down? Man, what was going on? What made them think they could get away with it?

There is no way not to think about Enron when listening to The Voysey Inheritance. Here’s the story: Daddy Voysey gives his son, the one who is going to take over his investment firm for him, some papers that show how the business really works. That is, the business has not protected the capital other have invested in it. They continue to pay the dividends to the investors, but the capital supposedly producing the income no longer exists. And Daddy Voysey tells the horrified son that his father started the business that way, and handed it on to him. So, he hands it on to his son the same way.

Okay, this is Victorian England, but does it matter? How different is now? Hmm…Voysey jr. has to think about what to do. What’s the true justice? To go to jail? or stay and try to amass the capital again, keep on paying off the interest to the people who are relying on it? Going to jail won’t restore the money to the investors.

This story also explores what makes people trust others. Why did so many people keep giving Daddy Voysey the money? THis is a great story.

random navel gazing

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Maybe I should read books twice. Maybe that would be the thing…Take notes and stuff. Nafisi, the professor in Reading Lolita in Tehran rad books again and again, making notes.

She’s a professor. One of those people who get to tell others instead of being told.

Well, maybe she has the right idea.

The thing about books is that they have a beginning a middle and an end. They are contained. They are a system, a closed system.

And a closed system is one that can be experimented on. You know what’s there, you can work within the system, and it remains.

Once, a long time ago, I closed a book because I was working too much within a system. I had been a very very very religious [in the meaning of unfalteringly regular, as well as the other meaning] Bible reader.

And I had done this for years. For several reasons, all of which someone or other will fault me, I stopped.

The reason I told myself at the time, and I still believe that it is the main reason, is that if the Bible is true, and I choose to believe that it is, it is a system that is fully integrated with the universe.

And if it is fully integrated with the universe, any understanding I have about ANYTHING [because anything and everything is part of the universe] will enhance my ability to understand and interpret the Bible.

I could feel in my bones, like a draft of wind or a change in air pressure, that I was not interpreting the Bible right.

And I knew without a doubt that I knew less than nothing about the world around me. I was 21. I consider this precocious of me.

So I thought, I need to work on the one part and get back to the other. Because I had a feeling that I was propping up a failing system.

And since I believe that the failing system could not be the Bible’s system, the system that was failing was my understanding/intrpretation of it.

So I needed to work on my understanding.

NOW, this is only an anecdote to illustrate my point about books. The Bible is a book, after all.

so, do I need to dig deeper into the books? OR back off the books?

This begs a question. What purpose are the books?

If the books are part of my lifelong quest for enlightenment, then they are important. That takes me back to the conclusion that I need to maximize my reading and the quantity/quality conundrum I mentioned before [previous post].

If the books are just for my amusement, though, then all this is nonsense. I should just read the books in whatever way I like.

If, however, the books are purely for my amusement, I am become a hedonistic pleasure-monster.

Which doesn’t make sense, because I seem to only enjoy books that challenge me.

And this leads to ontological and epistomological tail chasing.

It’s a moot point. We don’t know.

Which could lead back to that book I put aside when I was 21.

Some people do this. They choose a religion, accept it as a closed system, and devote their lives to it. Inside a hermitage or not.

“This” they say “is the source of the answers. I will bend myself to the answers this system provides.”

This seems like a good idea. It has the appearance of truth. Perhaps in many many cases it is the truth.

Except it is dangerous. I believe, as I did when I was 21 and even earlier, that true religion cannot be a closed system.

Because, who would be closing it? WHo would say, ‘We understand everything now, no more!’

It would have to be people. People who came to the conclusion that they understood everything.

That would be impossible. It’s not that I believe everything cannot be understood, I just cannot concieve of a human mind being able to do it.

Therefore, closing the system will result in it’s falsehood.

I love truth too much to do that. I will risk a lie, risk being wrong, in an open system. I feel like there is a chance in the open system. But the closed system is a lie from the beginning.

All this, because I am thinking about my reading habits.

I think too much.

Scratch me, and I bleed philosophy. I never stop.

unconventional

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A book review should include certain facts. You should include a mention of the author, the tittle, and a brief overview of the story. Probably it is bad form to give away the entire story, but it can be acceptable, or even necessary in certain contexts.

There is also another idea. An idea from the late victorian era, championed by Walter Pater and others, said that a review, or a critique, was an art form in itself.

I’ve talked about this before, because the idea resonates with me. Let me explain the idea in my own words.

Say, there is a work of art. A poem, a book, a painting. It is art, it is beautiful. Someone experiences it, and wants to tell other people about it.

There are two ways to do this. Let’s call the first way the movie review way.

People read a movie review to find out whether the movie they are considering seeing is something they really want to see. It is really funny or thrilling or whatever it’s supposed to be?

But there are some problems with movie reviews: they are subjective. Maybe that person who did the review didn’t have the same sense of humor as you do. Maybe you would love a movie they hated.

Here’s another idea: Have you ever been to a really good movie with smart great people, and then gone out for coffee or drinks afterwards and discussed it? That’s happened to me, and we talked about the movie, and talked about the ideas of the movie…After a while, if it was a really good conversation, we would have left the movie behind altogether and started talking about the ideas.

This is the beginning. Basically, a piece of art can be a launching pad. Yes, you need it to get started but once you are launched, you may never need to refer to it again.

I feel like music does this exceptionally better than most forms. It is so abstract, you are forced upon your own soul. Pieces that are labeled “Symphony No. 5”. Just what the music means to you. Not a name, not a suggestion.

What happens to me in a classical music concert is that I pay close attention to the music until I start to drift on ideas, images, colors or movement. It is an amazing source of inspiration. I feel like i could paint, or choreograph or do things I’ve never done before.

Now THAT is what I’m talking about!
What if I could write a review about how a book makes me feel and the ideas it makes me think without ever referring to the specific story of the book?

That would be a really great book! And I would have to be a really great writer. Or maybe i would become a great writer in the process.

All this to say, I read White oleander yesteday. In some respects, it was a very trite book. And in some respects, it was beautiful. In the way that I have been describing, it is perfect. I am filled with ideas that are connected to so many other ideas.

After reading this book, I am left thinking of Georgia O’Keefe and William Pater. Beethoven and summer storms. all the capitals of foreign countries that I have ever seen.

It makes me think about the troublesome people I have known, the ones whose stories I am not sure what to do about. It makes me think about the soul and the meaning of life and what that means to different people.

It makes me think about how big the world is.

All of that, and I haven’t said anything about what the book is about.
I havne’t really said what I think about those varioius subjects either.

Here is the main problem with the idea of Aestheticism, the piece of Pater’s philosophy that I have here described. How do you connect with the people that you are talking to?

It is a great responsibility, understanding one another. Most people deeply deeply want to be understood by others. But then, we are responsible to try and understand others too.

Some people, you have to do your homework to keep up with.

4th of july nostalgia

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So, when I was getting ready for the parade and fireworks last friday, I had to pick out my outfit. It was ragingly hot outside, so I needed something cool.

A couple months back, I had picked up this truly adorable vintage 50s sundress. Perfect! With some bike shorts underneath so my thighs don’t stick together, it was the coolest cutest ensemble.

And, it felt right to be wearing vintage on the 4th of July.

So I bopped around getting ready, listening to the radio talk about the founding fathers. THinking about them, thinking about us today. What was this holiday really about? I am against unthinking nationalism. What is the best way to celebrate Independence Day?

Then I wondered…WHY is it appropriate to wear vintage on Independence Day? Must our patriotism be rooted in the past? Shouldn’t our sense of civic duty and patriotism be looking to the future?

Yes, the day commemorates an event that occurred in the past. But the idea is one of a nation by the people, for the people. And we is the people.

I wish that our sense of patriotism would extend beyond wearing T-shirts
with American flags or getting a red-white-and-blue manicure (Yes, I saw this. I really did).

At least, can more of us vote? That’s all I’m asking.

Sourdough Waffles

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It certainly does happen very often, so when the spirit moves me to bake, I go with it. It is hot here right now, and absolutely not the weather for such activities. More like smoothie weather.

But I wanted to bake bread.

And really, the only kind of bread worth baking is sourdough bread. Those of you who have not experienced REAL sourdough bread, I can only pity.

Sourdough is associated with gold rushes, and my home state of Alaska is associated with gold rushes too. During the Alaska gold rush, it was practically illegal to enter the state without sourdough. It kept you alive.

In fact, old-timers in Alaska are called “Sourdough.” Well, old timers that know what they’re doing. You can be an old-timer and still not have a clue. Those types would not be sourdoughs. Even though I was born in alaska, I would not be an old Sourdough.

Allman’s book, Alaskan Sourdough, explains a lot of this. She gives some lore, and more importantly, she gives the right recipes for how to make and cook sourdough.

Let me tell you, that frenchbready stuff they sell in the store is NOT sourdough bread. It’s more like sourdough flavored bread. And flavored wrong, actually. Real sourdough is not sour to the taste, it’s a very unique kind of sweet.

Now that I think about it, the subtlety of the flavor reminds me of good wine.

Unfortunately, most peopleare unaware of the many OTHER uses of sourdough. In my opinion, the pinnacle of sourdough excellence is the sourdough waffle.

Fortunately, it is also the easiest recipe to make. Once you have the starter, the waffle recipe is hardly any more difficult to make than bisquick.

It is the lightest, fluffiest, tastiest waffle you will ever have. I have never met anyone outside of alaska that has even heard of this delicacy, let alone tasted it.

If anyone reading this is an adventurous cook, you really MUST try this stuff. It’s the coolest thing in the world, and very worth the work.

The Great Tennessee Monkey Trial

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I remember the first time I heard about the Scopes trial. My dad was talking about Pat Robertson running for President. He said it was good that Christians were getting involved in politics. He was a Christian and loved Political Science.

I was astounded at the idea of Robertson running for President. I thought, “Don’t you have have some experience to do the job well?” I was worried he wouldn’t know how to do it right.

But Dad was telling me that he didn’t think Robertson would win, but that it was good for Christians to stop burying their heads in the sand and join the world of politics again.

“Why did they stop?”

“It was after the Scopes trial. Christians were so humliated that they just retreated from the public eye.”

After listening to the dramatic re-enactment of the Scopes trial, I can understand why they were humiliated.

In 1925, the schoolteacher John Scopes volunteered to stand trial for teaching evolution in a public school. It was coming sooner or later, so he stepped up and made it sooner.

Clarence Darrow and William Jennings Bryan came into the courtroom and battled out the sticky issue of church and state separation, and at the same time showcased the problem of fundamentalist thinking when it encounters new ideas.

Let me be clear:
every human being is a fundamentalist in some respect. We all have some belief or other which is untouchable.

That is not to say we are excused from honest ree-examination. But it’s good to remember that we are all susceptible to being dogmatic at times.

Bryan, in this case, was the dogmatic. He was the one at the trial who was famous, and supposed to be the big gun.

But when he was cross-examined by Darrow, he ended up looking a fool. Well, in that particular case, he WAS a fool. He was ‘standing by the word of the Almighty’. Right or wrong.

And he was wrong. He was wrong because he was not being intellectually honest and examining the fact.

I firmly believe in Truth. I believe that the truth, or true thing, was there before me, and will be there after me. It is not my job to change the truth, it is my job to adapt myself into acceptance and understanding of the truth.

Bryan was not adapting. THAT is what made him look like a fool.

He didn’t learn his lesson, either. He was humiliated in the trial, but did not learn humble himself and try to be honest with the world in front of him.

Guns, Germs and Steel

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Every once in a while, and all too seldom, I come across an book that takes me to a new vantage of understanding. Maybe it opens up a new field of knowledge I’d never discovered. Maybe it answers a question that I’d been unable to answer on my own. But these books are real gems, the sorts of things that I mull over and chew on because there are so many good and useful ideas inside.

Guns, Germs and Steel is one of those kind of books. In this case, it answered a question that I’d been wondering for a long time. I’d phrased it like this, “What is up with Africa?”

Africa seems to be perennially fucked. They seem to be cyclically starving to death, they seem to have massively corrupt and uncaring goverments. They always need water and medicine.

Other places don’t seem to be starving to death all the time. Why Africa? What’s the real roots of the problem?

GG&S deals with that. And they deal with an even bigger issue: why the peoples from some areas conquered other peoples in different areas.

THAT is another question I wonder about.

Why did some peoples colonize and others BE colonized?

GG&S breaks it down into some really practical and understandable elements. To generalize: some people were better fed. And they were better fed because they had better food around.

Some PLACES had better food available than others. As enticing as it is to consider the people group to which I belong as superior, there are actually circumstantial and incidental reasons having to do with LOCATION that makes one group successful over another.

That’s a real, practical and effective argument against racism as well. Another advantage to reading this book!

It won a Pulitzer, as well it deserved. I would hope that this book would go on to be read by students and others for years and years to come.

To me, it was not hard to read. As technical as some of the subject matter became, the author made it very relevant to the reader.

Also, it gave me some new trains of thought about how to manage the future. We are all in this together, all of us humans from all over the world. We inter-relate a lot, and it would be best to understand the past so that we can make wise decisions about the future.

I can hardly stop talking about this book to all the people I know. It was very exciting to read it.

FFFSSSHHhhhhttt…..

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I got to work early today. There were some European time zones that had to be reckoned with.

But even so, I couldn’t sleep very well because I was worried that I had killed one of my plants.

A favorite plant.

What can I say? Some things wake you up at 4 a.m. At that hour, it is hard to put things into perspective.

But honestly, I am still worried about my plant. I hope it makes it.

Anyway, I’ve been here since 6:45 and I’m running out of steam. I’m supposed to go replace a piece of equipment that is malfunctioning intermittently. I’ve been supposed to be replacing it for a couple weeks. It will be kind of hard to do.

But not that hard.

I am apparently fabulously lazy. It would probably worry me less just to take care of it.

But it would take effort.

And I don’t want to make any efforts right now.

What I really want is to go over to the vending machine and buy that butterfinger that is in C34.

It’s been waiting there all day.

But I’m trying to eat healthy.

Is it really impossible to go through my day without this butterfinger?
Perhaps I should go get it and be done with it.

Or perhaps I should go get the key to the storage room that had the equipment I need to swap out in it.

And be done with it.

Or maybe I should tell myself that I get to have the butterfinger as soon as I’m finished with the equipment.

But I don’t really want to deal with the equipment.

I have a feeling that I’m not going anywhere.

Below average

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So, I just got back from this cool wine-’em-and-dine-’em conventiony user group thingy for Video Conferencing.

I had a fun fun time! And YES, I was working. It was a lot about tech stuff and strategies.

But the people that work for this company are so young and fun. Plus, everyone is having babies…
But that’s a different story.

I got back on Friday night, and the first thing that I took away from this conventiony thing was:
“I need new shoes. CUTE shoes.”

‘Cause those young fun females were all sporting their lacquered toes in hip little sandals. In PHILADELPHIA!
LA is even more of a naked toe environment.

I have been bashful to try these kinds of shoes. I admire them, and i do think I have attractive feet.

But I am of below average coordination.

FAR below average.

These ladies with their little teeny straps holding the shoe to their foot….I don’t think so.

I like something FIRMLY attached to my foot. I tend to be very absent minded. I am very likely to leave my shoe behind if it is not fully fastened.

And if you add HEELS to the equation-well…i fear for my ankles.

But what is practicality in the face of cute?

I went shopping.

I got some GREAT shoes. Some super high boots, with the new thin but wide heel. Very sexy, in a art deco macintosh pattern.

But these are not the CUTE shoes I am looking for. They are very hip and sophisticated, but not CUTE.

Perhaps I fear cute. I want to be taken seriously. But I want to be surprising, too.

Cute shoes. I must persevere to the cute.

There were some incredibly cute sandals for sale. They had beaded staps, and a big gem flower between the toes.

But I couldn’t decide which color. Hot pink? Electric Blue?

I chickened out.

Naked toes.

But there were some other sandals on sale. They were a comfortable black, but they were studded with red stones.

They were pretty.

But they only had one little piece of leather over my foot. And they were about 3 inches of heel.

scary.

I’m wearing them today. Cute feet at work. It’s a little difficult, trolloping around in my strappy shoes, trying to remember to walk in such a way as to keep my feet in my shoes.

I’m catching myself, just as I slip off the edge of the shoes, or teeter on the verge of snapping off my ankle.

Beauty is hard. I wish I were a little more coordinated.

Maybe there’s a class I can take.

But i still feel very cute.