Round, like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever spinning reel

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on it’s face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space

Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

-Sting “windmills of your mind”


I’ve been here before. Know what I mean? It’s not exactly déjà vu, but I’ve seen this patch of land before. I’m travelling through life and I think I’m making progress. I must be! Time has passed and I’ve been working towards things as I’ve been going forward.

And I find myself in a place I’ve been before.

What is happening? Am I traveling in a circle? Have I been misguided this whole time?
Panic and hopeless sets in. Was all this for nothing?

No help for it now. This is where I am like it or not. I have to come to grips with where I’m am now regardless of how it makes me feel.

I remember the Sting song quoted above. Am I really in the same place or is it just a mind trick?

It can take a long time and a lot of effort to get back to *almost* the same spot. I know this from the many labyrinths I’ve walked throught. Somewhere in the middle I will be sure I’m getting nowhere.

The trick is not to stop. There may be a long way to go, it may be just around the corner. I will never know If I don’t keep walking.

It takes faith

Despair papered her bathroom walls with newspaper articles…Despair is overworked and overwhelmed. She has a heart condition…She is not lying or exaggerating…There is no arguing with her. She is persuasive, eloquent and undeniably well informed. If you attempt to change her mind you will come away agreeing with her. She has stopped listening to music.

From The Book of Qualities by J. Ruth Gendler

Last week I did a video on how scared I was to run this meeting at work. These people in the meeting knew the material so much better than I did. It was inevitable that I would prove my ignorance and yet I was supposed to be leading the discussion.

The pressure was crushing me.

And yet.

This is not the first time I had done this kind of thing. To be honest, I’d done much harder. I reminded myself of those times as I tried to unclench my shoulders.

I needed to go forward. Courage come into the moment. Fear did not leave, but courage came as well. This moment had enough room for the trifecta.

Fear, Courage and me.

We were riding this through together. Trying times makes for these uncomfortable partnerships.

I remembered my book with that description of Despair. There is no arguing with despair. Because we are always doomed.

There has been hot and cold running despair. Room service, special delivery despair. And just for you, because you are a faithful customer, a two for one.

Are you despairing enough yet? Next delivery came early, take some more.

I’ve been here before. I know this ditch and the familiar taste of dirt in my mouth.

As I recognized it, my heart smiled. Then I gave a small laugh. I got this.

No more papering my walls with news articles. I shall no longer entertain doom in my soul. I do not acknowledge the premise.

Time to clean my face and remember I have love and joy to share. It’s been there all along.

1. gravity’s rainbow
2. Likeable Social Media
3. the 12 week year
4. The science of Storytelling
5. Decoding the workplace
6. Creating Community
7. the black cauldron
8. the rape of the mind
9. 12 rules fir life
10. the book of of forgiveness
11. the art of learning
12. the comfort book
13. Sporting chance
14. hunting party
15. buried child
16. beyond order
17. becky shaw
18. Henry I’ve part one
19. the magician king
20. henry 4 part 2
21. economicsinon easylesson
22. king Henry 5
23. winning colors
24. pull of the moon
25. a littl journey
26. rules of engagement
27. change of command
28. not hungry
29. against the odds
30. sporting chance
31. the one
32. white sand
33. history of russia
34. age of myth
35. shantaram
36. 12 Rules fir lofe(again)
37. the idiot Play
38. the girl who drank the moon
39. anxious people
40. oh william
41. age of swords
42. The art of gathering
43. the botanist’s guide to parties and pisons
44. the age of war
45. the age of legends
46. the narrative gym
47. age of death
48. courage is calling
49. the age if empyre
50. yes and i love you
51. murder on the orient express
52. the way of shadows
53. Beyond the shadows
54. casino royale
55. shadows edge
56. the art of learning
57. do androids dream of electric sheep
58. how to fail at almost everything and still win big
59. how to find your way in the dark
60. henry vi part 3
61. black prism
62. The blindingkknife
63. loserthink
64. kong henry viii
65. the amazing adventures of kavalier and clay
66. mans search for meaning
67. 12 rules for life
68. the broken eye
69. irreversible damage
70. the road tonwigan pier
71. Would you rather
72. king henry 8
73. the galaxy and the ground within
74. the 100 year old man who climbed out the window
75. the crowd
76. The kingdom of the blind
77. treasure island
78. the little prince
79. the journey to the west
80. night circus
81. children of ruin
82. the department of sensitive crimes
83. the blood mirror
84. the good husband of zebra drive
85. in the company of cheerful ladies
86. the Kalahari typing school for men
87. the full cupboard of life
88. Blue shoes of happines
89. The parasitic mind
90. the wrecker
91. memoirs of extraordinary popular delusions and the madness of crowds NF
92. the talented mr varg
93. the road to wigan pier
94. the girls with no names

With another year around the sun, I have to come to terms with getting older. I only have experience being the woman that I have been up to yesterday. How to I become a woman I haven’t been yet?

I have to think about what kind of older woman I want to be. What is it I hope to arrive at?

One thing I’ve noticed about women who have experienced more life…is that the right phrase? I think it covers what I’m trying to get to. These older women know what they like.

In my twenties, in a new job, I noticed that the boss’s secretary..ahem…Administrative assistant..was a woman who appeared to have influence in what happened in that department. I invited her to have lunch to learn what she knew, and we went out to a nearby restaurant. She was so comfortable in this environment. She knew exactly what she wanted.

Sitting at the table like it had been made for her, she placed her order. She let that waiter know how it needed to happen. Some things were dry; other things were on the side. I watched her lift her chin and make all her preferences known—so confident her wishes would be granted.

I didn’t know you could do that. I placed by order like an amateur.

We chatted and ate our salads. She asked the right questions, ones I hadn’t thought of yet. And when we were done, she opened her purse and applied her lipstick while gazing into a compact mirror.

I had to break off my own piece of that elegance. I fumbled in my purse to find the tools.

Once I noticed this creature in the wild, I saw them more. The ladies who know how to have a little heater at their feet. All the things that make life comfortable can be assembled and arranged to best effect.

This lady builds a nest where ever she goes. Sometimes she will share the comfort bubble with people around.

I could slip into being that kind of creature, I think. I could enjoy that—being a lady who can get the comforts gathered up around her. The future is uncertain but it is comforting to picture myself as a comfortable, confident woman who can ask people nicely for exactly what she wants. And get it! More times that not.

Happy new year to you all. I hope it will be full of comfortable things.

in this world, you can’t be too careful. I had reason to go through my cloud and get rid of sensitive photos. By sensitive, I mean photos of my personal documents and financial information.

I have photos going back to 2012 store in the foggy recesses of the internet. They are safe, right? The thing is, nothing is safe.

So I went through almost 20 thousand photos to get rid of those ones I needed to protect. But most of the photos were of my face.

I am very un interested in my face now.

I was thinking of all the other people I wanted to see. I lieu of the visits I couldn’t make, I took the time to do my christmas letter.

But th christmas letter required a photo of the us. I was sick of all the years of my own face. but I realized I had very few photof of my husband

he doesn’t like picutes to be taken. But it’s not just about his pleasure. I’d like to have a record of him. of us in our lives.

So I grabbed him after he took a shower and took him outside where the light was a little better. He does not do good selfie face. I had to distract him so he didn’t make his face wonky.

I kissed him. My face was not glamorous or makeup on or anything. But my man looked handsome and pleased to be kissing me. So we have a Christmas picture. it coming to a mailbox near you soon.

The city gave us a tree. Well, the tree came with the house, but it didn’t belong to us. It was planted by our city decades earlier and grew tall and strong.

Until it wasn’t and it was taken down. But it was a city tree, part of the city plan for how they wanted the city to look. They gave us a new tree.

It was a small sapling. Trees start small after all. It takes time to become something impressive. We had a little three-foot leafy stick to take care of. Since things happen in cycles, more than one house on our block had the same. I could see them as we walked the dog around.

It was a tough time to be a tree. A drought was happening.

I watched the other neighborhood sticks go brown, crispy and dead. I was careful to water my slender stick to keep the leaves fresh. The state was giving us water conservation and use reduction rules.

My daughter was still young enough that I was giving her baths every night. I dipped out gallons of water when she was done with her bath and poured it on my tree-to-be. For almost a year I took this offering of sustenance to keep my tree growing.

It didn’t die. But the growing was very, very, very slow

See, it has separated into three main sections. I’d seen trees in my town that had three trunks. But I felt my sapling lacked focus. I was going to have to narrow it down.

I chose the least promising section and cut it off. I figured the remaining two sections could have a race and show which one deserved to stay.

For the next year i watched it closely. Which branch was bigger?

For a year, they appeared to stay exactly the same.

Was this tree every going to grow into it’s potential? I had poured love and attention on this tree. I had hand carried water to this tree.

And it was stubbornly staying the same. No change.

The saw come out with its steel teeth. The time had come. I made a big decision and cut off the branch. The branch I cut and the branch that remained were the same size.

Then the tree began to grow. At last. It grew as tall as me. And then twice as tall. Then even taller.

That little branch I cut is now dwarfed into the large trunk that continues to grow. I cut off that possibility.

Once the tree knew where to put its energy thing really started to happen. It took me years to make the big choice to cut off the possibilities.

That choice made all the difference.

Supplies are limited! Act now

These are familiar marketing messages. Someone wants me to give them money, or take an action and is using FEAR to motivate me.

Fear of dire consequences

Fear of humiliation

Fear of lost opportunity

I don’t like to be afraid. These advertisers and salespeople know that and use it to manipulate me to their ends.

And boy does it work. Not just on me. Fear is a strong motivator. It’s a basic human survival reflex to react to fear. To scan the horizon for things, notice changes and feel a jolt of adrenaline.

DANGER!

I hate the manipulation of using that to sell soap. It feels slimy. I have to say I have been averse to learning more about the art of selling because I dislike it so much, which probably is why I am not so good at it.

Fear is a reason to move away from one thing and toward something else. If I want to get Science-y about it, the amygdala –the very primitive part of the brain—is activated. Blood goes to the essential places, starving part of the body, and the senses narrow onto

RUN

That’s great in a true emergency, but something that really should be saved for a special occasion.

I prefer to foster an environment of curiosity and wonder. Famously, for both cats and Pandora with her fancy box, curiosity is not trouble free.

I still want it. The attraction, the pull.

What’s inside? What is it?

What if…?

Left to myself, I live in curiosity. As a writer I build worlds, or at least rearrange them.

Fear is an interruption on my paradise. It’s the solution once.

Twice—it’s the problem.

I can get curious about the fear the second time. Is running required? Could I survive this threat? Can I try something different this time?

Oh, hi fear. What do I need to know? How about I take a breath and create a plan before I react?

Hey fear-monger—I’m onto you. The choice you offer is not the only one.

When I pause to wonder I can be pulled, not just pushed. What would happen then?

I have a friend who is very anti-Trump. He believes that everything, every single thing Trump does is evil.

I changed the subject and we talked about other things.

But I thought about it some more. IHe is highly charged on the topic, and not open to other perspectives. Which makes conversation very one sided.

It’s a pillar in my life to be open to other perspectives. How would I feel if I had the same perspective on the topic?

If everything Trump did was truly evil.

I thought of Bonhoeffer. He is the pastor in the time of Hitler who came to the conclusion that is was his duty as a christian to assasinate Hitler.

I am a woman of Action.I admire Bonhoeffer a lot.

It’s a serious thing to take a life. Dostoyevsky talks about it in Crime and Punishment.

I hope to life my entire existence without taking a life.

My Action-orientation combines with my perspective seeking gives me a balance.

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