Then, I thought there was a trick to it. Now, I know better.

Ten years ago, I was trying to lose this same twenty pounds. And ten years ago I was agonizing over expressing my art. I’ve lost and gained those 20 pounds again and again over these years.

And I’ve wrestled and written and thought and written and avoided and procrastinated and started again with my writing.

But with both, it’s the same. There is no trick to it. You just have to do the work.

I’ve lost weight with fads, and I’ve lost weight on Weight Watchers. I’ve lost weight on my own and I’ve lost weight joining other people.

I’ve read writing books, and I’ve joined writing groups. I’ve NEVER written for hours on end. I’ve just kept at it. I’m still breathing and I’m still writing. Because that’s what it takes. Not giving up, not quitting.

When Miriam the Camel Driver was published, my first book in my hands, I was so thrilled. I was so happy, I actually kept thinking, “I’d better be careful how I drive, because now I could die. THis is the thing I had to do before I died, and I’m still young!”

I didn’t die. I kept, as a matter of fact, writing.

And I kept developing as an author. The work of being on a diet is similar to being an artist, but the results are not. I am not still writing the same 20 pages.

I have writen more, and gotten better. These last ten years, the ongoing lifetime of my blog, have been well spent.

So I re-read the first year.

I like a lot of what I read! But it strikes me that my apocalypse-adjacent experience made me a lot more frightened of free speech.

My first year of blogging was so confident and free. I was pretty sure that I could say anything I wanted and it would be fine, that I had opinions worth exploring and it was

OKAY

It was fine! It was me, building the internet, BEING the internet. My blog in the beginning was something not a lot of people were doing.

Now posting things is a lot my stylized. 140 characters, anyone?

Yeah, I tweet. But..

I BLOG dammit

I blog.

or, I used to

I still kinda do

I used to write up all the books I read and the music I listened to and the news I thought about. my life, other people’s lives, movies, music, friends, encounters

Blogfodder

I had things to say

I have things to say now, too, I have thoughts I am thinking. Back then, i was thrilled to have 10 visitors in a day. I got about that many. I remember I got about 20 odd visitors every day.

Now, I am the only one visiting my blog. Because there are other bloggers out there. Better websites. For mundanity, facebook has filled the need.

I am not exactly mundane. But I am not specialized either. I specialize in being me. I suppose that I am most fascinating to myself. And maybe to those who know me and love me.

Facebook keeps me in touch with friends. But I would rather those friends get to know me by reading my blog. My blog is a lot more of me, or at least the parts of me that are interesting.

From time to time I would write a lengthy email, and repost it as a blog entry. I suppose I could do the same for Facebook.

Or I could go both ways, post a blog on FB.

This internet has morphed. I like it, but I’m not such a superstar anymore.

There is that other thing, too. Right now, I am a

MOM

and that takes up all the space.

mom mother motherhood mom mom mom mom mommy mom mom

all the space, no margins left. Thoughts are difficult to pursue. And I am not so good at thinking and expressing without enough sleep

I’m in a different mental space that my first year of blog

well, it’s ALMOST a year I’ve read now

pg 86 on postings reference.

from9/3/2002

HOWEVER, I myself was getting a little tired of the ONE THING happening in Silicon Valley. Life is rich and full. It is important to have more than one interest. Computers are fascinating, and I enjoy them. But there is more to life than start-ups.

I just didn’t know yet. That the movie is a start up. That the script is the new get-rich scheme, and the angel investor is the studio

It’s so much the same. Garage start up or couch-surfing actor?

you make the call

I like reading what I wrote lo these many years ago. I would like to get back in the habit of writing longer pieces again. I used to do it with regularity.

Well. That WAS before I knew how to write a book. So I pressure myself to write entire books now, too.

But still. I wrote some good stuff. yay me

small steps

That’s where I left off. DANG

I have a lot of blog left to read

or maybe it would have happened anyway.

But because I was getting a threatening stalker (more to it, but that covers the bases) I had to back away and hide my blog…

I used to write several times a week, but last year I had to step away from the blog. And somehow, I lost connection with it. I used to really know, really remember, my posts. But now I find I have forgotten many of them.

I am going to make a point of re-reading my entire blog, and pulling out some good stuff. I want to put a bunch of my stories and essays (aka blog posts) into a book.

a

NOTHER

book.

…feels good to day that..

BUt I have some good stuff I’ve written over the last ten years. I think i’d like to call it “Memories and Meanderings”

I will have to set some goals for finishing reading this whole thing again.

Let’s see…120 months. I will have to read 5 months a day to read it all in a month

I”VE WRITTEN A LOT OF WORDS!

jeez.

I’ll have to work hard to read all my work.

I’m daunted and impressed with myself. Dang. Its going to take me a couple months to get through just the blog.