I am going to complain for a while. I’m not proud of it. I am blessed.

And I am going crazy!!

When my daughter was born I could barely move. My body had been through a lot, but there was no time to recover.

I had to take care of my daughter.

And people would tell me “just wait until [whatever age their child was]!”

And I wanted to kill them. How dare they tell me there was no end!

There is an end. The muscles used to carry a newborn, that ache relentlessly during those months, they get a break.

Then new muscles, mostly emotional ones, begin to get stressed.

This small person that inserted herself first into my body, then into my sleep time, now injects herself into my quiet time, and drops anchor on any plans I have.

She can’t help it. She resents me too. She fantasizes about a world without parents. Then she remembers that she likes me, so she says I can come too but she is the one in charge.

At the end of the day I am wrung out. She is more tiring than my job, which makes weekends the opposite of relaxing.

I just finished reading Wild by Cheryl Strayed. I remember the long hikes (never backpacking) that I’ve gone on. I remember the 99 switchbacks of Mt. Whitney. Cheryl talks about her hiking experience, how it was not bliss. It was largely and overwhelmingly about putting one foot in front of the other.

I think, I need to get a lot tougher. Yeah, it’s hard to be there for my daughters’ every need. But that’s what this is, this trail I chose.

I read another book, a magical fantasy book where the young man and his wolf had a psychic connection. In this part of the story, they had to chase down and stop some evil that threatened the whole world. They ran and ran, rested briefly and ran. The man was amazed that they could go on so little sleep. The wolf said, you only think you deserve 8 hours sleep; you don’t actually need it.

When I read that, I knew the author was a mother.

What I need and what I deserve are different things. I need to get tougher, and stop pitying myself. I *can* do this. Life is grueling work, but it’s also got a lot of pops of beauty and amazement along the way.

I just have to keep toughing it out to get there.

This week I am going on a work trip. Flying.

It’s been a while since I have flown somewhere for work. I suppose technically my first work trip was when I flew into the Soviet Union December 1991.

Since then, I’ve had to fly around for jobs that require photo badges. My 2nd work trip was to Washington DC. I try to think of what that destination has to offer, what that spot has that’s different from where I live, and experience that.

D.C. was easy. My colleague and I went to the Smithsonian.

Some places take more thought. This week I’m going to Atlanta, to visit Coca-Cola headquarters. We don’t have much time. Maybe the headquarters of Coke Corporate is a sufficiently unique experience. I can check that box. Still, I’d like to see what more is there.

I’d like to try what foods they have that are special. I hear Georgia peaches are good, but I don’t think peaches are in season. I’ve been to Atlanta before, and I ended up with a man at a piano in a hallway, talking and singing. He was very good at playing, I wished I could remember a song to play as well, but I was shy. I mostly sang.

He was actually from Texas. But when I told people later what we’d done, they said that was very Atlanta.

It was fun.

How do they do things differently? What do they know that I don’t? How could we help each other?

Trips should be fun. I get to travel hundreds of miles away–paid for by someone else–I want to taste and see what the world has to offer.

Mat Ridley (author of The Rational Optimist) talks about how trade is what made our far back human ancestors beat out the Neanderthals for dominance.

We shared what we had and what we knew. And the world got to be better and better for us. Good ideas can spread through trade, he says.

I agree. If a person can hold it in their hands, try it out for a long time and come up with their own opinion about it, that’s pretty convincing.

I am looking forward to seeing what Atlanta has to offer me this time.

A couple weeks ago, Veronica said “Mommy, I don’t know how to turn off the water.”

I had been messing on my computer and hadn’t been paying attention. She was getting ready for bed. There is a process.

I drag her kicking and resisting to begin the process

get naked

use the toilet

floss teeth

brush teeth

get in shower

wash face

wash body

wash hair

turn off water

dry off with towel

take towel to bedroom

don pajamas

don socks

read story

turn on nightlight

turn off overhead light

turn on sonos music

parent sits with Veronica until she falls asleep

THIS IS EXHAUSTING

this has been the bedtime routine for basically her entire life.

when she asked me how to turn off the water, she surprised me. I had left her on the toilet portion of the ritual.

She went forward without me and did all the rest.

That was the biggest change to me. She had truly independently taken on this process.

it made me cry a little.

And it rocked my world. It seems that we might have 2 extra hours free in an evening.

This is a game changer

Every so often, Wikipedia asks for money. Every so often, I give them some. Wikipedia has become essential to my life. When I want to quickly know the basics about something, I go to Wikipedia and find out.

Wikipedia is flawed. It gets things wrong. And a lot of the time, a couple facts sort of right.

But we know. That’s part of the deal. Wikipedia is not 100% right.

Even so, it is better than nothing. What it gives us is more than it takes away.

I was listening to an interview of Jimmy Wales, a co-founder of Wikipedia. He was talking about how it’s growing, and how it works.

In his mind, the eco system of Wikipedia is all about the contributors. The contributors, working together to create the entries, and give the facts the most even hand.

Wales says it’s because of the software. That, unlike on comment threads for regular websites, the Wikipedia entries can be openly edited, and then re-edited by anyone.

The users are there collaborating. And when it is working at it’s best, they are being checks and balances to one another.

Does it work at it’s best all of the time? No. No it does not.

There are flame wars, and some bullying, and meanness and close-mindedness.

But there is also, at the end, a growing Wikipedia. A public service.

Jimmy Wales says the software serves this end.

Software often has this effect. It solves a problem–such as serving information. But even if that problem is all the way solved (and it never is completely solved), another problem pops up.

That burr in the shoe is replaced with a pebble.

It’s like a terrible riddle. If a solution solved 90% of a problem you are suffering, but introduced a new problem that would take up 50% of the resources you were trying to conserve, is it a real solution?

So many solutions are exactly like that. Inconclusive, leaving us slightly better off but still unsatisfied.

Two steps forward, one step back and three steps sideways.

Wait, what? Where am I again?

It’s the new progress.

I worked in telecom for 17 years. By far most of my career. In telecom there is an oft repeated phase:

The five nines

99.999% of the time, telecom has to work. Telephones have to work. We rely on them. This kind of reliability is possible, and we strive to achieve it.

The sorts of processes and procedures and best practices and maintenance that are required to achieve (or get really close to achieving) the 5 nines are second nature to me.

Back things up. Double check. Have a backup plan. Test and verify.

We need to have consistent, reliable results. We need to know what we are doing before we start, and we need to know what went wrong and why precisely.

That sort of precision works in the work of telecom, because the systems are designed to exact specifications. Every small part is known and measured.

That sort of precision is beautiful. And I love it.

It’s a game with a big set of rules and a lot of players. The global tribe of network technicians all play this game and we know when they lose.

They lose—WE lose—when we lose a 9.

99.999% it has to work. 99.99% is not enough.

A lot of people worked to make this game. Thank you, Thomas Edison. Thank you, Bell Labs. We are all playing the beautiful precise game that you made for us.

You know what isn’t that precise?

EVERYTHING ELSE.

People are never 99.999% anything.

And right now, I am finally admitting to myself that I’m not in Kansas anymore. I mean, I’m not in telecom anymore.

I have to step on my questions. I want to ask for more information. I want to know PRECISELY what we are doing.

But I’m not in that game anymore. This is a sloppy game of “good enough” and “something like that.”

I am sitting on my tongue to see what happens when things are not to my standards. Crossing my legs as I sit back on my tongue and be quiet.

Two things occur to me:

First:

I see why people are annoyed by IT engineers. We are too pushy and want more than is possible most of the time.

EXCEPT

It’s possible when we are playing inside our game. And it’s frustrating to us when these noobs don’t cooperate and cost us a high score.

Second:

I see how most of life is quite different. Almost everything. It turns out that this precision is not required. Some fewer number of nines…maybe no nines at all…is what makes the world go round.

  I wonder if it’s possible to lose myself fully in this world of inconsistencies. I loved the security of my game, and how very clear the rules are. I loved going deep into it. These softer edges seem dangerous. Maybe I will need more time to practice navigating.

 It’s a bigger world. I do like exploring.

I have a lot of books. I could so easily have more, but a long time ago I decided a rule for books: if I could easily get a copy of the same book from the library then I could not keep it. If I needed to read it again, I could go to the library.

Book take up so much space, and it is easy to be overwhelmed with their physical reality. The point of books is not the physical size; it is what they open up in my mind.

I just started reading I Am Malala, the book written by the teenage Pakistani girl who was shot in the face by the Taliban for going to school. She says that when she was top of her class (before she was shot) she was considered bookish because she had read 8 or 9 books.

Now that she is in Birmingham, England, she understands that her classmates have read hundreds of books. And that makes school very different.

Finding out new things is different now, too. We can find out new things from words that are not books.

I’ve been learning from the Internet how Abraham Lincoln found books to read. It was pretty common in the American frontier, before there were public libraries, to share books with interested neighbors. That whatever books to be had–WHATEVER books–would be shared and consumed by new readers.

Lincoln, as a young man, read all the nearby books, and then went further afield. He heard of a many-miles-away neighbor who had a lot of books. He found a way to borrow that man’s books. That man was a lawyer, and because of all the books Lincoln got a chance to read, he became a lawyer too. Lincoln had no formal high school education.

He just read.

And he changed America by leading it through a deadly civil war and dismantling a horrible blight of slavery.

Malala describes how she feels her education is far behind girls her age in England. But she is changing the world too. She is the youngest winner of the Nobel Peace price acknowledging her courage in facing her oppressors, and standing up for, FIGHTING for girls to have education and freedom.

Reading is really powerful. Any kind of reading.

My coworker is going to Taiwan to see his mostly deaf grandmother.
He was worried he wouldn’t remember his mandarin 
I said,” don’t worry…you only need to know how to say four things:
How are you

You are beautiful 

Thank you

I love you”
It’s not just mandarin. Those four sentences will get you very far

I had a job, and I had it for a while. I was given a van to use. It was my job to drive this van around and take care of the situations at these far locations.

I drove that van for more 10,000 miles before it dawned on me that I might want to set the radio presets where I wanted.

I heard someone talking about how they loved the hymn “This is my father’s world.”

That’s a good one. And I’m not really into hymns, but that’s a good one.

My reaction when I heard her say how she loved it was “It’s not my father’s world. It’s MINE.”

I remembered the van. That only I drove. And how I didn’t feel like I had the rights to it.

If this is my father’s world, I have SOME rights to it. But I better not mess it up. I better not mess up.

My daughter broke one of my teacups when I was moving their case. She didn’t mean to.
It was precious to me, and when it broke I had to be careful not to be angry at her. She burst into tears.

Much later, when required to write an essay for mother’s day, she wrote that she knew I loved her more than a very beautiful cup.

It’s tenuous. She know there are things she should do and things she should not do.

Because it’s my house.

Once it a while, she gets to be in HER space. In her world.

On my vacation I was able to lay down other people’s expectations of me. I got to inhabit my own life more fully. I was very busy, and often tired, because I required of myself that I march (and make my daughter march) through the volcano basins, and see the sights.

I liked the freedom. I liked the space of pleasing myself.

I wondered about the difference—the difference between my regular life and vacation.

I have heard that I should follow my bliss. That the desires encoded in my heart are God’s message.

That I have permission. It is baked into my existence.

I don’t have to squeeze myself into a tiny space to leave room for other people.

This is my world. All nature sings to my listening ears.

I am going to go stretch my legs.

It’s famous. There is a platform with three rows of bleachers in a U shape around it. Yellowstone National Park is famous for geysers, and this is the only famous geyser there.

Old Faithful. It goes off at a regular, predictable time. It erupts frequently too–about every hour and a half.

Geysers are amazing. Even the little ones who only spurt a foot or two are fascinating. Where do they come from? What is happening below the surface?

They built the hotels right next to old Faithful. The architecture is completely original and magical.

You can step right outside the doors to walk to see Old Faithful erupt more than 100 ft. into the air. Old Faithful does his thing on the regular, and it can last up to five minutes. And wait a little while, and it will do it again.

This strikes me as very American. As American as Red Delicious apples and semi trucks. Each of these are amazing recurring miracles. So reliable and practical.

There are other kinds of apples than red delicious. And there are one-of-a-kind products that don’t fit into a semi truck.

And, as I learned too late, there are geysers that go higher and last longer–MUCH longer–than old Faithful.

My favorite, which I’ve seen on both trips to the park, is Castle. It goes off in a 90-minute window of time…so you have to wait for it. But when it goes, it blows water for more than 20 minutes and gives off clouds of steam for an hour more. I love it!

I heard of one, which I haven’t seen yet, that sprays in a different shape, and lasts for an hour! It has an hour and a half window. I think it would be worth the wait.

But do you see? I am only talking about the ones who have been mapped. So many of them have not been mapped. We saw some of them as we drove and walked. It was mystical to walk in the woods and see steam hissing up from the ground.

If I had taken the time, I could have explored that region. I don’t think I could have finished seeing the sights that were mapped if I had taken a month. And the unmapped sights were even more numerous.

My tiny vacation was my budget for amazement. We went around to all the sights we could find, dragging ourselves onward even when we were worn out to drink in the magic.

It is important to escape from the demands of structure of daily life. To go and wait on big magic. Thank you, Old Faithful, for being so reliably, industriously magical.

And especially for reminding me that there are even bigger sights to see if I will let myself wait.

So I am in Yellowstone. The first family vacation. Veronica has enjoyed the bison and the other animals we’ve seen.

She does not seem to love the geysers as much as I do,

She complains about having to walk so far, not about the walking itself, but somehow she gets starving on the way.

She likes the visitors centers.

I keep wanting to show her the stars. There are way more stars in the sky here, but there only show when it’s dark.

And dark is late.

Last night she fell asleep.

But I still wanted to see the stars.
There is a meteor shower happening.

So after 10 I left the hotel room alone and walked outside.

It’s funny how much i rely on chris to have a sense of direction. We e been walking Around here for days. It was dark and i Was alone.

It occurs to me that I miss my husband. We should go away for a weekend.

Or I should go away alone.

We are not only parents.

I found my way to the old faithful viewing area. Every car and lamppost seemed an invasion 

Light pollution.

I left the inn and walked toward the steam plume of a geyser. That must be Old Faithful.

As soon as I got to the geyser area, I saw a shooting star.

There were maybe 10 people out there looking for shooting stars.

I was surprised there weren’t more.

But in the dark, staring a the sky we talked a little bit. Mostly about the sky. 

Me and the stars. Us and the stars.

We saw shooting star after shooting star.

We each saw stars that the others didn’t. Shooting stars are quick and unexpected. 

It was hard to leave.

I walked back, and warmed myself at the fire in old faithful inn.

Why weren’t these people outside?

Perhaps warmth is better than miracles sometimes.

I got to see miracles. I will not forget it soon.