Happiness was never something I was supposed to pursue. Happiness was a fortunate side effect of being good.

Being good was the whole point. And if you were good, you might get to be happy.

But happy was something to earn, for sure.

More recently I have learned that happiness is something to be desired in and of itself. Just because.

“Does it make you happy? Then do it!”

See those quote marks? There are to indicate that someone else is saying that. Not me. Even after I was first introduced to the concept of personal happiness, even after it started rolling around in my head.

Not for me. It was someone else who thought of that. Someone else who asked themselves if they were happy.

Personal happiness as a concept might not have penetrated my consciousness if I hadn’t become a parent.

It was very easy to see that I wanted my daughter to be happy. Her personal happiness was something I spent a lot of time nurturing. For her, I could spend time and effort.

For me?

Cinderella’s my girl. Only AFTER I get the drapes and floors done, THEN I could put some time into making a dress for the ball.

I’ve been exploring this idea of personal happiness. Kicking the tires of my previous assumptions.

So yeah, two months ago I lost my job. Boss FIRED me. That was tough. I spend a few weeks right after that dealing with his judgment of me.

Was he right to fire me? Did I deserve to have a job? Perhaps he was right, and I was wrong. Maybe HE saw something I couldn’t, and I was a fool for thinking I had something to offer.

Even as those feelings of judgement washed over me, as I fought to find my way to the truth of the matter, I knew that I did have something to offer. I KNEW it. He was one guy, and he didn’t know everything.

I knew I would keep looking and I would find my spot.

Here’s a beautiful quote:
Faith is the evidence of things not seen.

I had faith.

Sometimes.

I had  faith that I would find my spot. I just didn’t see it.

Then I would have not-faith. Doubt? Yeah, that is a good world for it.

But I wanted that job. I did the work to find it, sending applications every day and reaching out to people I knew who might have a job for me.

And I felt like I was stuck on pause.

Can I be happy? I didn’t have the new job. I didn’t have the proof that the guy who fired me was wrong.

I rode the wheel of faith, soaring to the top of feeling confident and happy. Then wheeling down into the depths of doubt and judgement.

Also spending a lot of time in the floaty middle. Not happy, not sad. Just waiting.

That is not the person I usually am. I am kinetic moving forward most of the time. This time though, I felt on pause.

I wanted to be happy. But I couldn’t seem to let myself be happy  until I had the definite job.

As if

new job = happy

There was an equation for happiness, and something had to be on the other side.

Right back to the beginning.

I had to be good, and happy was the side effect.

As I’ve been experimenting with happiness, I am thinking it’s not an equation.

It works better when happiness is its own thing, like an element. Like Gold or Silver.

It can stand on its own, not dependent on conditions. It has a right to stand on its own, not propped up by circumstances

This fifth wheel inside my head though, I might need to drill down a bit deeper to find the ore.

A whole lot of crap has been accumulating, making it hard to get to the gold.

But there’s gold in them there. I am going to go get it.