I’ve always been very hard on myself. Ambition and drive are—were?—my constant companions.
The phrase “do your best” made no sense to my younger self. There was always something more that could be done. Always a way to do it better, do it harder.
Of course I haven’t done my best. I’m not dead. There is more that I could do if there is air in my lungs.
I did come to a gentler understanding of completion in the last several years by comparing myself to the efforts of others.
Doing my best still allows me to have enough to spare to make to another day.
And now I’m at another level of understanding my limits. My best today is not what is was a year ago. Nor what it was a month ago.
Sometimes I look for inspirational quotes of speeches to lift my spirits as I’m walking through this valley of affliction. Things that used to energize me now seem to have nothing to do with my life.
My life itself seems unrecognizable. I’m in an alternate universe to be sure.
What is constant?
My capacity is less than it has been. But I can still do one small thing. I can do the hard thing that used to be easy. But it’s hard now, and it can fulfil my drive and ambition still.
That’s constant. And it will be cumulative. That’s the treasure I can amass, the accomplishment that seems like losing ground.
But I will have faith and see where I end up a year from today.
I’ll take it.