having a fight between my fear and my passion. the kryptonite, the fear, has the passion all twisted up and in pain.

I remember superman, staggering around like he has a migraine headache, with the kryptonite nearby.

But he always overcame.

“iced coffee, huh? i guess I could see how you wouldn’t want a hot cup.

Oh, Joan..I don’t know how you did it. How did you go to the head of the crowd and lead them? You knew they had the coals at home that would burn you.

Did you now that it was gonna happen? Or did you just not think about it.

when they came with the pitchforks, rosaries and torches, did you tie back your hair quickly, because you knew they were coming? it was inevitable?

Or did you look in the eyes of the soldiers who were ready to die for you the week before, and know they were going to kill you now?

How?

betrayal is part of the human condition. i guess it shouldn’t surprise us anymore.

There is a devil on my shoulder this week. He’s leaning in to whisper in my ear:

You know that thing you care so much about? You’re the only one.

You are so proud of this thing you’ve done. No one else notices.

You don’t matter.

Most people pity you.

That outfit you think you look so cute in? It makes you look enormous, and it is totally dated.

You’re ordinary, and probably have to jump to tap mediocre.

You think you can try, but you won’t succeed.

Not that it matters if you do, because it will be a big clap of nothing when it happens. Which it won’t.

I know this devil. I hate him. But it’s hard to get him to shut up. Fear, self-loathing, despair and hopelessnes are his contributions. I could live very well if I never had any of those things.

I am trying to remember the things that I am doing that prove him wrong. The things I have done that prove him wrong.

Many times I know without reaching that my friends and family love me and value me.  A lot of times I am fearlessly passionate about my interests.

This week the devil is loud.

But this week won’t last forever.

please please please let it be an illusion

It feels like everything that is most important to me is slipping away the harder I try for it.

I was so excited on friday..I had lost 10 pounds on my diet.

Today, I weigh in and 5 pounds are gained. I DID NOT OVER EAT!

and that is just symbolic. there are about 3 thousand things that are not happening the way they should. I want to scream with the pettiness and frustration.

I want to exchange my whole hand of cards. there is nothing

Man…there is nothing to do at a time like this.

it’s six in the morning on a monday. I used to like mondays.

I guess the only thing to do is eat my cereal, make some coffee and hit the road.

Because even when every other thing stops working, i still have to work

My refrigerator stopped being cold this saturday. It is leaking unfrozen water right now.

There are a lot of foods which will be lost. I relied upon this appliance and made plans. I bought chicken ahead, and a lot of vegetables.

THat is what happens. THere comes a time when something you rely on fails you. And you have to lose your plans.

At least he isn’t this morning.

I’m reading “Imagine” and I am all full of ideas. And overlapping the tails of those ideas are all the ways that they will never be implemented, never appreciated and how very stuck I am.

I know it’s time for a change. But change takes time.

DAMMIT

I just made my author page on Amazon. That feels good. Soon I will link this blog to my amazon author page.

I should have done this a long time ago, but…I did it today

Chris and I have been having a fight for about a month. Give or take 5…

See, I don’t think I should have to wash the bottles all the time.

And HE doesnt’ think I adequately appreciate or realize what he does at home while I am away at work all day.

These fights seem most important around bedtime, that long GO the F TO SLEEP portion of the day. The duties that must be completed between 8:30 and 10:30 at night are particularly onerous, and when it comes to that total failure in parenting that is driving child around in the car to sleep, there is not margin for error.

Would I like to scream and curse that I have to get up at five and how dare you walk out of the room saying “do whatever you want…”..?

yes. Yes i would. But i have to keep my voice low and soothing because little pitchers have big ears and no action of mine will be the one to delay the much anticipated moment of sleep.

So i do not curse. And I do, and he does, what it takes to get her to sleep.

And then we do what it takes to get us to sleep.

Which is NOT to have that fight at 11 pm at night.

And then the morning begins–mine with an alarm clock and his with the noises of a waking child.

And the next day is off to a galloping start, which includes work, clothes, eating, food, laundry, walking the dog, and THEN the hour of

Go the F to Sleep

again

and then it starts all over…we don’t have time to finish this fight. Because I would rather lose all sleep altogether than have this fight.

but you can’t put these things off forever. This is modern marriage. Let’s make an appointment to finish this fight already. I promise I won’t call you names if you promise to compromise

I could say, “I wish I could do this”

and a freind might encourage me and say, “GO do it! You can do it!”

but if I say  “I want you to do this for me, so I can achieve my goal”

that is a whole different matter.

Well…I worked very hard today. I didn’t think I would have to work so hard, but then I did.

I thought I would have time to think thoughts and maybe post a blog.

But I didn’t. I didn’t really think many thoughts.

SO. Here is a blogpost. With very little thought put to it