Some people just stay there

I met with a colleague who works across the street from me. It’s hard to find people who do what we do, so it’s pretty exciting when we can meet.

How funny is that? Don’t all multi-national companies do conferencing? Video conferencing is part of a lot of businesses. But we still don’t get noticed. None of the job sites have “Video Conference Adiministrator” as a possible job category.

Stealth Career.

So one of the things my neighbor wanted to talk about was how to get Mo’ Money. An extremely worthy topic. He wanted to triangulate, find out what we video people are worth. He has a certificate…I’ve been thinking about getting one. And we chatted about possibilities.

He kept saying, “don’t get the wrong idea…” when I was being very honest about my strong desire to make as much money as possible.

I am making less than I have, that’s for sure. What do I come to work for, if not to make as much money as I can with my time? Sure, the free coffee is nice, but it’s really about the paycheck. Let’s not kid ourselves.

Dude had been working at that same firm for 10 years.

TEN YEARS. Holy Crap. That’s crazy. My dream is to keep a car for ten years. Not to work in the same compeny.

He was surprised to hear that I had moved around in my career as video guru. I told him, that is the only way to get the big pay increase.

TEN YEARS.

I’m a little too restless. I have “grass is greener” syndrome. And it’s not just the money, although money is very important. It is also the challenges. I want new projects, I have to have stimulation. Repetitive think injuries can happen. Do the same thought process, with no changes, you atrophy.

Or in my case, get cranky.

That being said, staying in one company has a few advantages. Companies have figured out that it’s cheaper to underpay people for years and years.

Dude had 5 weeks vacation. WOW! I would love that.

And I bet he didn’t worry about being let go.

I don’t ever trust an employer. I’ve participated in too many layoffs. why not me? It’s a possibility.

So I’m always on the lookout.

But some people just stay. I hardly know what to think about that.

The american dream

About a million years ago, I took a few martial arts classes. It was fun; I wouldn’t mind doing it again. I just have to find the time…

Anyway, one time, the teacher, while dismissing us, brought one new guy forward. Turns out he wasn’t new:

“Jeff…Come up here jeff! I need to take a moment. Everyone, you should congratulate Jeff. You used to be a lot bigger…How much weight have you lost?”

Jeff was a little shy. “About Sixty Pounds.” He was proud, though.

“THis is an accomplishment!” the Teacher praised him. “This is a big deal! I had to take some time and give you kudos.”

At that time, I was in sore need of some weight loss myself. I was amazed at the big deal made over this guy. 60 pounds, that is an accomplishment.

How much time do we spend thinking about losing weight? here in america, I think it is always on our minds. The American Dream. Just to lose that 10..15…50…150 pounds we need to lose.

My older brother Mark has been on a diet. He’s inspiring. I don’t know how much weight he’s lost exactly, but he came down from looking sort of substantial to looking how I always remember him.

He’d always been fairly slim. I think it was because he had been a perpetual student for so long. One of his remarkable achievements was living off a 25 pound bag of dried pinto beans for a year.

He’d been given the bag from my oldest brother. Like a great number of people, Bryan had been attracted to foodstores. For emergencies…the end of the world that was supposed to happen on y2k, or some natural disaster or the tribulation that comes right before the second coming of Christ…You have to be prepared!

Except he also had to move. And all those food stores didn’t fit neatly into the Uhaul. Which is how Mark got the sack, and was able to afford the fulfillment of another american dream: a college education.

My brother Bryan is not alone in his gut need for self-sufficiency. All those bags of beans…where they really belong is in a cabin in the woods, you know?

Chris took me to see Hearst Castle this friday. As I was driving with Chris up the highway one, through all these lovely remote places, I was seized with a desire for a cabin in the woods.

“Chris, wouldn’t you like a little cabin somewhere? A getaway sort of place?”

“Like at Whitney Portal?”

He and I like hiking in mountainey places. So we dreamed a bit.

“Wouldn’t you like to build a log cabin? If we bought a piece of land without any building on it, it would be cheap!”

“What about electricity?”

“Psh! We dont’ need electricity! We can get a generator! Solar power!”

He kept driving. I thought about all the things we can get away without.

“Except we HAVE to have water. That’s important.” I knew someone who built a whole gorgeous house on a patch of land that didn’t have a well. Water is key. “Maybe we should get it on a lake, or a river or something.”

That’s another American Dream. Your own land. Self-suffieciently. The shotgun and the “NO TRESPASSING” sign.

Well, maybe not the sign. I would like a cozy place where people would not be easily able to find it. Needley trees cushioning the space around small walls.

Mark, newly skinny, was telling us more about his self-evaluations. He was working the Color your Parachute book. He was trying to find the right sort of career for his talents.

Another dream-the career dream. Chris is an entrepenuer. Just enough to make me freak out. Work for the man? Get a pension? Not for my man.

I am nervous to be self-sufficient in that way. But Chris makes it happen. God bless him. His American Dream is his own business.

Folks at work here are constantly making pools for Lotto. Buy 100 dollars worth of tickets and split it if any of them win.

I ask them, “What would you do if you won?”

They seldom get past the first month…A big party, a big trip.

But what then? Life is long…How do you fill the hours without a dream? And if you make your dream come true too soon, where are you?

Mostly, they say, “If I won, you wouldn’t see me around HERE anymore.”

I remember there were people who won the dot com lottery. 20 something millionaires. And they showed up to work. What else would they do with their time? They liked their jobs. Some of them, anyway…

Hmm…I wonder. I know for sure what I would do with a lottery windfall. Go back to school. But you know, that might only be the first few years. What would the dream be then?

William Hearst had the windfall. Well, theoretically, he worked very hard for it. He had a lot of businesses. But he had all the money anyone would want.

He spend his free time shopping. And throwing parties.

The American Dream. Is that what we’re about?

*cough* UGH

i am unwell. I have a cold, and I am weak as a kitten.

But I’m at work. I’m bored with being home.

I don’t have that much to say, but I know i’ve neglected my readers a lot lately.

Not only was I sick this week, but I was low on interesting books. I’m in the middle of Brothers Karamazov, Vanity Fair, and The Saga of the Vatnsdal people.

All of which are pretty weighty. The saga is actually the lightest reading, which is why I took it up, even though I was in the middle of the two others.

The Vatnsdal people are actually some founders of iceland, and the saga is part of a kick-butt book called Sagas of the Icelanders.

I read Egil’s Saga and became a convert. What a guy!

So, there were several more sagas in the book I hadn’t gotten to yet.

Someday, I really will go there, Iceland impresses me. A major part of my identity is being a stubborn, get-out-of-my-way-and-don’t-tell-me-what-to-do pale-skinned Northerner.

Which is exactly what these Icelandic peopple are! So I dig their stories. Chris, that love of my life and fellow adventurer, bought me the book. I might not have bought it for myself, but the rightness of the gift shows that sometimes he knows me better than I know myself.

But the Vatnsdal people are not quite as cool as Egil was. They seem more like local heroes than cosmic ones…Which is still okay, but…Not the exact right spot I was hoping to hit with my reading this weekend.

The reason I started to read Brothers Karamazov was because of my love of Russian Novels. One of the great things about them is they take so long to read. It’s like living an entire life in a novel.

But they also have a great effect of helping you sleep. You read a couple pages, and bam, you’re asleep.

HIGHLY recommended for insomniacs. If you read carefully, you can enter into the Moscovsky countryside and forget all the problems of the 21st century that keep you awake.

Anyway, I was going on trips that required me to conquer time zones and still get a good night’s sleep. Dostoevsky helped with that.

And Vanity Fair…Well…They were starting to annoy me…Selfish greedy judgemental victorians.

I will get back to finishing Thackeray, but…Well…We needs some sensationalism, like the Brontes or Dickens…Can’t he drum up a ghost or a spontaneous combustion or an excaped prisoner to move the story along?

I’ve misplaced the story I wanted to read…The Autobiography of my Mother by Jamaica Kinkaid. That one looks good. Light enough but interesting.

Anyway, I ended up renting movies. I wanted to see Finding Nemo or Ice Age or some cartoon I hadn’t seen yet.

Chris was NOT feeling like a cartoon. He got Matrix Revolutions, which actually seemed like a good one. I got Nemo and Johnny English.

Love Rowan Atkinson.

Turned out the Matrix was the best of the lot. Even though I was hard put to stay away through the battle scenes…It was a lot for my sick senses to take in. It took itself too seriously, but at least it was entertaining. I was glad to see Trinity die, because I never believed that they loved each other that much anyway. But it was engaging.

Finding Nemo was such a disappointment. I have no idea why everyone was raving about it! Okay, maybe if your daddy left you, you would find it irresistably charming that a fish daddy worked so hard to find his son.

But there was no bad guy! The only bad guy was the distance between them…Not much drama there. And the “transformation” of the major characters Nemo and his dad was so insipid…Nothing like the better disney cartoons.

Johnny English was moderately funny…But I’ve decided that Atkinson is best in a shorter half-hour format. Mr. Bean left me purple with laughter when he visited the church. And Black Adder never fails to keep my smiling, but his movies are just a bit too long for extended silliness…

Okay, I guess that’s enough. I hope I will get better soon.

Take care of yourselves!

independence and intimacy

So Chris and I have been together for coming up on Five Years. It is time to take this whole thing seriously. So we’re going to take it to the next level.

RELATIONSHIPS!

None of us would be such relationship chickens if we hadn’t have those bad experiences. Now that I’m “taking it to the next level” that fire alarm that was comfortably damped…You know that alarm bell? The one that starts ringing DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! when you allow another person to become too important to you?

There are trip wires over certain parts of the heart that set the alarm off. When that certain cologne sets the back of your neck prickling. When you lean in. When your knees buckle thinking about him the next day.

The risk of wanting. The risk of denial.

But I had damped that alarm. It’s been practically five years, I had lulled it. Comfortable, known. When I lean in, he meets me there. He doesn’t let me fall.

But now I’m Leaning Further. More is at risk. Maybe I’m too heavy for him to catch. Maybe he’s not willing to lean in too.

DRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDR!!!!

Take a deep breath. Those years count for something. I think they do. I hope they do. If they don’t count, nothing does.

So I take a look and see where there might be weak spots in our RELATIONSHIP.

I don’t particularly like talking about relationships. Actually, I like talking about The Relationship too much. I feel like if we just have a good hour or two of conversation then we can settle everything….And I know I’m wrong about that. Having endless talks about The Relationship does not make as much of a difference as I feel like it does. Basically, we can talk about how we do things, but if we don’t get out and do them, we don’t have a chance to make the little improvements that would change the situation.

So, talking about it is not as helpful as I feel like it should be…It only feels good if the talks are basically insincere. It only feels good if he tells me what I want to hear.

Chris is very much a sincere person, so he won’t play that game.

I went to the library and got some books on communication. The ideas of power in a relationship are very important.

I weigh myself every day. I weigh my power relationsips every day. I can feel a very slight tip. I don’t always know what to do about it, but I know when I’m giving too much.

I was raised on very traditional female roles, so i always felt like I was required to give more. Because women were supposed to be subservient, that the man was supposed to support mom & kids (I don’t have kids, but that was supposed to change) and mom was supposed to do everything else. Including put up with the Man.

I tried to recreate that. When I was married, and I started to support my husband in school, I felt that this was an aberration. This is not how things were supposed to be. He was supposed to support me. He was going to graduate and then support me.

But that didn’t work out. He flunked out. So then we left college behind, and I got the first job I could, and started working very hard. He spent a lot of time trying to find the Perfect Job.

I ripped through three imperfect jobs, and then he finally found his perfect job.

Well! Thank god! I could now relax into the pose of subservient. I quit, because I wanted a break.

But I should have just taken a two week vacation. It was deep blackness, man, I don’t like not working.

But then I found a less important job than the Husband. I was a little intern. He was the important one. So I could maintain the right position.

I was very sad, without his company. I liked being with him. At least I remembered liking being with him. I wanted to spend time with him, but he always came home very late. It seemed like he did it on purpose! why would he stay away from me?

Finally, after weeks of crying at home and waiting for him, yelling at him when he came home because I was waiting so long, I said, No More.

If he wasn’t going to be there in the evenings, I would find someone else to play with. If I was crying at home, it was my responsibility to fix it. I thought I would just go out.

I told him, “i want to do this.” He thought it was a great idea, he told me I shouldn’t be lonely, I should go out and have fun. Go out with your girlfriends!

But then…I said, “This will change us. We won’t be as close anymore.”

He didn’t get it.

But I watched it happen.

I went out, I played with other people. Other people who thought I was interesting and smart and funny. Who didn’t play games and shelf me, and ignore me and break promises and let me down.

These other people listened to me. They TALKED with me. I thougth I was going to explode with happiness, to think that I had people listen to me.

And I gained independence. I knew who I was.

But I lost intimacy. That man, who I had been so desperately in love with, who I thought I would die without, had to go. It was a choice between me and him. He left no options.

There was the subservient role he offered, and then there was me.

I couldnt’ even fit in the role anymore. It was like pants that were too tight.
If I had tried, it would have resulted in escalating violence. I was scared of him

no more. I couldn’t go back. But I didn’t know where forward led.

More independence.

Yes, that particular choice was very obvious. My independence led me away from intimacy.

But then I started thinking….

How many women refuse to know things, because it will lead away from intimacy? It’s a standard thing (I hear) for girls to not do TOO well on their grades because they don’t want to be separated from their peers in high school.

I work in a highly technical field. I get lonely, because very few people know enough about what i do to talk about it. My independence made me give up the intimacy.

I bet that the women who work at beauty salons have a lot of things to talk about and share with each other.

I have felt like it’s a sacrifice, to learn things. Yes, it’s a benefit too, but it’s a sacrifice.

Intimacy is so important to me. That’s what Chris gives in abundance. He is always there for me.

And yet, he never gets in my way. That’s what helps me to feel comfortable with him. I HATE it when someone gets in my way.

And yet, I really wish I could be closer to people. Its a constant tug.

Then and Now

There’s a new movie coming out, Vanity Fair, based on the book. It inspired me to read the book, which I started long ago and didn’t quite finish.

One of the things that is so interesting about Victorian novels, and which makes them so enduring for today’s readers is the struggle for POSITION. These girls who are trying to marry a man with money, so blatantly struggling to bag a husband with 5 thousand a year, or 80 thousand a year, or with a hundred a year and a title, they are struggling so hard to attain status in their “society.”

The victorian era was all about the rise of the middle class. The Middle class, the newly rich capitalists, rich off trade and business rather than inherited estates were struggling in their world to be what they felt they had a right to be. They wanted into the higher eschelons of “society” and it was a constant struggle to fit in.

The Victorian prudery and extreme care for the chastity and reputation of the ladies was a huge part of that. The lower classes were the only ones that were supposed to engage in imorality. Or, I should say, the lower class WOMEN were the only ones supposed to engage in immorality.

A new standard for women had been introduced, that the unmarried women had to be pure as the driven snow or she could be rejected by that man of X thousand a year.

Why? Because women did not have earning power. They did not have economic rights to the same degree as men did, so their earning power was their marriageability, for the most part.

But that’s really a side note.

What struck me in this novel was again, as I have seen so many times in other novels, was the the focus on CREDIT. Apparently, a young man of nice clothes could ring up bills and bills and bills and no one thought anything of it.

This is so completely contemporary that it makes me wonder.

We’ve got all kinds of new formality in place, that allows a much more egalitarian debt system. You don’t have to “cut a fine figure” as those novelists say. You just have to fill out a mean form.

Bill collectors coming after you? Like they did to Captain Crawley and Rebecca (the Heros of my novel)? Rebecca was praised for her ability to persuade them away.

The 21st century way of dealing with it was to consolidate the debt, transfer some funds and get back on the road.

Here’s the next snapshot in my train of thought:

I saw another ad for a different movie. This one is called “The Corporation

It’s a documentary. I really want to see it.

I’ve previously complained about my life in elevators. That’s one way I describe the life of a corporate corpse. But I also admit that it can be exciting to work in a large structure.

I get to point at my corporate logo, and the corporate logo on the many tall buildings and in the marble lobbies with the huge expensive flower arrangments and say, “I am a part of this. This is the glory I contribute to.”

And I get to build a little home from the blue paychecks.

Do you remember the story of Babel? The tower of babel? They wanted to build a tower to the heavens. They said, ‘We don’t need God anymore! We will climb to heaven ourselves!”

And God looked down from heaven to the people he had created and said, ‘oh shit! They can do it, too!” okay, he actually said, “”If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them.”

Then he made all the humans who were working together on this tower speak different languages from one another. Suddenly, they couldn’t work together any more. The tower faltered, and was abandoned.

What’s happened since then? A couple more towers have sprung up. A few more very tall buildings have come into existence. Is this a deferred dream we are realizing or a nightmare once averted and now awakened?

The documentary about Corporations seems to be showing how corporations are bad, and how insidious they are to our culture. Granted, take everything I say with a grain of salt because I haven’t seen the movie.

BUT, i’ve seen some other things. I’ve heard the cries for “back to the land!”

You know that commercial where the alternative-hippie-looking kids are hitchiking and talking about majoring in ceramics? But they they see a cool SUV and decide to minor in ceramics so they can afford this shiny car?

THAT”S what I’m talking about. Yes, we know about our desire to be close to the land and the rhythms of the earth. To have our hands in up to the elbows in the act of creation and the practicing of our art.

And we..the american culture…still want the SUV. Which is it?

I wonder. Which half of that equation is the most hypocritical? The pat answer is the side that wants the SUV. I’m not so sure.

I am not in love with corporations. But let us assess.

Did you know that during the victorian period, that marvelous rising of the middle class, there was a huge “back to the earth” movement too? Back to nature?

Only then it was THEIR version of nostalgia. It was for peasant hood (Carlyle is who I am thinking of). ‘Go back to being a peasant! You wil wake with the sun and grow your own food, and live life in the ebb of the earth’s seasonal pageantry! Give up this pursuit of life in the city and …

CAPITALISM

oh yeah…capitalism…That famous economic tome”Das Kapital” by Karl Marx is from the Victorian age. The Communist manifesto came out of that time too. Remember?

…Communism vs. Capitalism…

The words are still used today. Even though communism is widely described as dead, and capitalism has changed so much that Marx’s theories no longer apply.

What are we up to? We want all the good things, we want all we can get. Then as now. Vanity Fair was the description of London society. Couldn’t it just as well be a description of New York society? Or Beverly Hills?

We have built some pretty big towers. And if we didn’t want them, why did we bother?

What it all a big misunderstanding? Did we really want to live close to the ground, but the architect looked at the plans sideways? Did we have a meeting and someone scrawled the minutes so they build a 105 stories instead of 105 foot garden?

Maybe we don’t recognize this world because after the vision came the revisions.

Did we all get caught in the close at hand and forget the future results? Did our parents and grandparents look only at that weekly paycheck and not know what would happen when all their toil piled up into accomplishments?

I can’t believe that we didn’t know. I think many many of us learned to put aside our different ways of talking and worked together very very hard to get the world that we live in now.

But this final version, this present version of life2004 (brought to you by Microsoft~!) or Reality or however you want to see it contains ALL.
The conversions, reversions, subversions and perversions are all a part of the final version.

This version keeps all that. no pebble turns without reshaping the universe.

Maybe we are amazed at our small selves affecting so much change.

The monuments we’ve constructed changed the warp of gravity. We’ve altered the universe slightly and our environment mightily. We are what we have worked diligently to become.

And that bring it all back to Hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy…”Are you sure you asked the right question?”

Are we sure we worked toward the right goal?

Let us deal with what is here and now. You cannot begin your journey in a different place than the one you are in.

‘Do you work outside the home?”

That’s what the guy in the shuttle to the airport asked me. It was sort of stunning. He OBVIOUSLY worked outside the home, because he was there in his briefcase, starched white shirt and tie.

And I was there in my corporate casual, with my laptop bag embroidered with the corporate logo.

When he asked me that question, a big ol’ whiff of Promise Keepers came out of his mouth. Now, I realize that SOME women, those that do work inside the home with children and things, might find it consoling to hear that question. They would appreciate that he did not assume that the only work that counts is the kind that you have to drive to.

But to me, it sounded a lot like “You should be at home, but you’re not. So why are you here? Account for yourself.”

In support of this impression, as soon as I told him I managed the conferencing services for a global company he lost interest in talking to me and began to call people on his cell phone.

Now, since his expectations of females seemed to be the barefoot-and-pregnant variety, he may have found a reason not to talk to this inferior human (me!) anyway.

But the other guys in the shuttle were quite interesting and talkative.

I still feel the slight from Mr. “Traditional Roles”

I personally have learned not to assume that people work outside the home. But it has nothing to do with gender. Most of the people I know who work at home do so because they have found a way of generating income in their own home. I SO wish I could do that too.

At the same time, I have respect for mothers (and fathers) who work on family and home things without generating income. They have found a way to team with their partners and keep their lives in balance with what they think is most important.

But I don’t ask that condescending 80’s question. I say, “What do you do with your time?”

A radio host, from the show “What do you know?’ asks “what do you do in life?” That’s a good one too.

Come on now, dude! Try not to let your stereotypes spill out all ugly like that.

more household chores

I’ve been home rather seldom for the last two months. I went to New York and DC at the beginning of April. THen I came back for a week and then went on vacation to Seattle and Canada. I came back, and four days later flew to New York AGAIN.

I got to be home for almost two weeks before I flew to Denver. I was in Denver for Four days and then I came back. BACK.

I have no plans on the calendar for travel. Thank God. I was forgetting what it was like to be home.

Because I’ve been needing to complete all these projects. I started to re-caulk my bathtub. My other sink needs a washer replaced because it leaks. I have half painted my office. I have mostly scraped my office ceiling.

And I’ve started re-finishing the cupboards in the kitchen.

Walking around often feels like a construction zone. I want to COMPLETE some of these tasks.

finally, I was able to recaulk the bathtub this weekend. THat seemed most critical since a lot can be ruined by improperly sealing a bathtub. Now I just have to wait until monday before I can use it.

THEN I bought a lovely lightest blue green to paint the office. The goal was to find a cactus green…The kind of blue-silver-green that cactuses can be. I fear, however, that as time goes by I will instead think of it as toothpaste.

ButI painted the whole office! Ugh! It was tiring and I was EXHAUSTED afterwards. I took three naps and I think I may take another one.

It’s hard to paint a room thoroughly. I missed a couple spots where the paint is not quite thick enough. I’m going to wait until it’s dark so i can see the contrast better, then I’ll mark all the places that need a little touch up. I’ll finish in the morning. I have BARELY enough paint (I hope) to finish.

As I was painting I listed to an old nostalgic (for me) CD. It is from when I was 18, and it makes me remember how frustrated and hopeful all of us were right then. Remember Nirvana? Dude had to off himself; I guess he was more frustrated than hopeful.

This one was P.M. Dawn’s debut album. It was full of abstract spiritualism and philosophical musings. It made me think a lot about what I’m doing. I hope a lot. I am frustrated a lot because of my hopefulness.

Every day I come up with a hundred and one ideas of how to make the world better. Then I come up with one hundred and two ideas of why it won’t work because people won’t let it.

Except I managed to caulk my tub and paint my bedroom. My grand visions are frustrated by the smallness of those world improvements. And yet they are quite real and true.

Those two things I did by myself. It seems to me that larger improvements take cooperation from other people. And I have so much trouble getting cooperation.

I admire the large buildings that I work in and the people who have created these monuments. And yet…I work in those monuments. I work ON those monuments, in the capacity of assisting communications.

I love that I assist communications all over the world. I am proud, because communication is a true tool for making the world a better place. But for the very reason that I assist with communications, i know how poorly it is done.

It’s sad and frustrating…I remember how hopeful and stupid I was when I was 18. I know a little bit more now, but I also realize that the amount of my knowing in the face of what needs to be known is about as pitiful as the impact of my painting and caulking in the face of all the things that need fixing in the world.

Yes, it is good that I have learned things. It is good that I caulked my bathtub. I guess it’s the little things that add up. That’s what I have to tell myself.

No USAToday after all

Looks like I got the interview but not the mention in USAtoday.

Oh well. At least I had a nice chat with the book reviewer. Maybe I’ll chat with her again.

So don’t rush out to buy it, if you were going to. I’m not in it after all.

Tomorrow’s USA Today

I’m gonna be quoted in USAToday tomorrow.

YIKES!

For a cool thing, too. Apparently the book reviewer, Jacqueline Blais, decided to do a review of the 20th anniversary edition of The Unbearable Lightness of Being.

She found MY review of that book. And she liked it. So we had a lovely phone conversation. She is a very nice woman!

AND she is going to quote from me in the paper.

I’m stunned. It absolutely MADE my day.