The nameless longing

What is this thing? What are the edges of it?

what a soft-edged word, dream. I am dreaming of the knife in my belly that wants this like a hunger that hasn’t been satisfied ever

Maybe this is the time it will get satisfied. Maybe this is the first bite of a very very big meal to feed that hunger

When I take the soaring over california ride, I love it, it is beautiful. But the scene  that makes my breath catch and my heart pound is the airplane zooming past over the desert

MOTION

THRUST

FORWARD

ACCOMPLISHMENT

I want that! and NOT on an individual level. Not only on an individual level. I want to raise monuments. I want to collaborate to land on the moon or make a system or

there is is

the scope must be broad. it will require more than me. It will require money and machines and systems and communication and collaboration and cooperation

It requires courage and decisiveness and focus over time. It requires vision and persistence and sticking it out when  people don’t agree and don’t support it. I also requires standing against people when they actively try to chop me down at the knees in all the cruel ways that people viciously attack visionaries.

I’m not trying to expand consciousness. I’m trying to set up a national interconnected telecommunications system. Words like mother earth and father sky are never going to come up in my sessions.

But I am doing something new on the face of the earth, really really about to do something that no one has done before.And I want it so bad it can keep me up at night. That copper, that fiber and the army of mostly men in slouched khakis to make it all work all the time

i have to be sure and confident and focussed to do it, shutting out all outside voices. I know it’s ridiculous to compare myself to Mandela…But he had to shut out all the people who said he couldn’t do it too. And like him, I was NEVER NEVER supposed to be able to do this. And I won’t do it if I don’t stick to my vision.

 

The Adult Section

There were three constants in my teenage life: home, church and the library.

I so very well knew the basement of the Wasilla library. I actually lapped the young adult section, reading books I forgot I had already read.

There was a much larger adult section on the first floor. That section scared me. ADULTS read those books. I had to be a grownup to understand THOSE books. Also, adult probably meant R rated. Sinful. My well-catechized conscience warned me against falling into sin by choosing a book in that section unguided. One day I would be old enough.

For now, I told myself, for now I would stick to my section. There were plenty of good books in the basement.

Most people know of Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. Some people know of the sequels to Little Women–Jo’s Boys and Little Men.

She wrote a lot of books. I read ALL of her books our library had. Little Women has a semi-convincing romance in it. I loved Laurie, and had nothing but disappointment in the German professor Jo chose in the end.

My favorite romance of Alcott’s was Rose in Bloom. Sequel to Eight Cousins.

The boy cousin who captures Rose’s heart (how weird is it that she is allowed to love and marry her cousin? did that to the tension of their romance? the story did not think it taboo), that boy cousin is found at a pivotal moment reading Emerson.

Rose is impressed with him, calling the author Grandfather Emerson. She heaps praise not only on Emerson’s writing but also on her cousin for being so wise as to read it.

Aha! Here it is!

My navigation of the library had to be done by dead reckoning and reading the stars. Since I had no one to suggest to me what to read next I had learned to look for book suggestions inside of the books I was already reading.

Does anyone else remember that one of the sisters in Little Women was reading Ivanhoe in the first chapter?

I read Ivanhoe after that. It was a steep climb. Nonetheless, I wanted more.

So when Rose says Emerson is worth reading, I went UPSTAIRS. I had a new book to read!

He was hard to find. My selections in the children’s basement didn’t need the Dewey decimal system. I’d heard of it, but now in the ADULT section, I had to use it.

Scary.

Then I opened Emerson’s essays. And where do I begin? What topic should my 14-year-old self start with?

My friends are very important to me: Friendship

It starts with a poem. Skip that. Get to the point. And here is the opening paragraph of Emerson’s essay on Friendship:

We have a great deal more kindness than is ever spoken.  Maugre all the selfishness that chills like east winds the world, the whole human family is bathed with an element of love like a fine ether. How many persons we meet in houses, whom we scarcely speak to, whom yet we honor, and who honor us! How many we see in the street, or sit with in church, whom, though silently, we warmly rejoice to be with! Read the language of these wandering eye-beams. The heart knoweth.

The words each had a meaning I could recognize–most of them anyway. It’s just, in that order, and in the way he used them, I couldn’t recognize them anymore. It was familiar that he said we should rejoice to be in church. The rest was incomprehensible

Every fear that I was not old enough to read things from the adult section was realized.

Emerson. He wrote essays on topics. Essays? Who writes an essay? And on these topics? Why?

I returned the book after the three weeks. I was chastened and knew my attempt as hubris. I did not belong in the adult section.

Then last week, a former high school English teacher (angelic tribe! How I have loved every literature teacher I have studied under. My time at university at last acquainted me with such beings) brought up Emerson–specifically the essay Self-Reliance.

Finding the free Kindle version, I now read this essay so simply and quickly. I see these words:

Insist on yourself; never imitate. …That which each can do best, none but his Maker can teach him… Where is the master who could have taught Shakspeare? … Shakspeare will never be made by the study of Shakspeare. Do that which is assigned you, and you cannot hope too much or dare too much.

At the time I first found Emerson, all hope and daring was out of reach. As Emerson says, it was too much to dare and to hope of find greater books that the shelves in the basement.

I’ve learned a few things since then. One of them is to trust myself to find the right books for me. Now I am a grown up and I read his words like Deja Vu.

Which is sort of the point of Self Reliance. I could quote him, but then again I won’t. I can use my own words.

Each person needs to trust his or her own self. We do know, or we will know, what is true and beautiful in the way that only we-each individual- can know it. Our lives and our art is such that only each individual can express.

So it’s best to get to it and not give too much respect to other people’s opinions.

I have a relationship with Emerson that is exactly what I would expect of my life. It started out very constrained. And my life isn’t over. He and I need to spend a little more time in conversation now that I’m better able to appreciate him and my self.

Disneyland pirates

Veronica had long said pirates were too scary.

But yesterday she agreed to go on the pirates of the Caribbean. Ride. And then she wanted to do it again. And a third time

The second time while we were waiting to start I said. “Look at those people eating in the restaurant. Don’t they know there are pirates?”

She yells to them “Watch out! There’s pirates!”

No one paid any attention

She yelled it two more times. They needed to know!

Musical Theater and Veronica

Veronica went to her first real performance. Understand, she’s barely sat through Dumbo in one sitting. Her whole life it’s been about being able to move around. She doesn’t focus for long periods of time.

It’s not her thing.

But her friend Laura, a BIG GIRL who just started kindergarten, was in a play. Oliver!

We knew this very directly, because after church Laura and Veronica played on the stage. Veronica did improvisational storytelling, singing and dancing. Laura practiced.

For her performance, I was nervous. I wanted Veronica to go, but it was right in the middle of naptime.

One of the benefits of Veronica’s only-child existence is her father’s extraordinary ability to plan and make sure that her life is never taxing. What ever we’ve planned to do, it’s not going to be too much for her.

So a two-hour performance during naptime would normally be right out unapproved. But this was a once in a lifetime thing! Her first show, with her friend–basically a peer–in it.

I told Veronica we would be watching Laura sing and dance on stage. She said “I want to go on stage with her.” Well, not this time because she’s been practicing for a long time and it’s her turn to do it alone.

“Then it will be my turn!”

The day of the show, I told her a little more. I told her we would be going to a beautiful theater, like Angelina Ballerina. THE BOOK, not the show.

So, I dressed and she dressed. We went into Bridges auditorium.

She whispered, “Wow.”

Boy, it is a beautiful theater. She was impressed with the red velvet seats and the soaring ceiling with greek gods painted in silver outlined. We talked and pointed and then the lights when down. The leader in the orchestra pit said:

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN!

Veronica gasped. This was the real deal. She had heard this, she had called it out herself at the beginning of her pretend performances, and here it was ACTUALLY HAPPENING. Her face was electrified, her mouth open.

The performance began. It started slowly, but it began with a song. Laura was in that part and she looked so different as an orphan it was hard to tell it was her. Then the story went on.

“I don’t like this part Mommy. THey are not singing.”

‘They will sing again soon, don’t worry”

Oliver had a song “Where is love?” He brought out a single candle onto the stage and sat down lonely next to it, singing about his loneliness.

Veronica buried her head in my lap.

“What’s wrong?”

Through tears she said, “it’s so sad.”

My mouth was open now. This simple tableau moved her that much?”

She was ready for the intermission when it came, and she wasnt’ sure what has happening. She wanted to go play with another friend that was there. I had to tempt her back by saying “What do you think will happen to Oliver?”

We went back. Bill Sykes sang his scary song, and she stood up and made clawing monster motions. She was the monster. And then Nancy got shot.

“Oh NO! She is killed! That’s not okay. That’s not okay to kill.”

This was darker than anything she’d seen before. When it was over, they came out and took their bows

“After my little nap, it’s my turn.”

Back to explaining about how it takes practice, but that if she wanted to do it we would make sure that she had her turn. We waited in the foyer for her friend, but she didn’t come out. We went back in to find her, and her mommy had gotten involved in a conversation with someone near her seat.

The beautiful empty theater was all around us, and her friend walked up to us, “It’s over Veronica.”

Veronica ducked into my side to hide her face again. Oh no, what’s wrong. “I want my turn mommy.”

Next sunday Laura pulled Veronica around by the nose, saying she would teach Veronica musical theater.

Veronica is not so tractable. I have always thought her personality was more suited to directing things than taking direction. But Laura had the goods. No matter how incomprehensible her directions, Veronica did everything she was told with no complaining.

Laura knew. And Veronica wanted to know. It didn’t matter if it was strange and incomprehensible, she was going to learn.

That afternoon I took Veronica with me to a housewarming party. Predictably, she went shy. She didn’t know anyone there. I didn’t know so many of the people either, but Veronica kept me busy tending her in the bedroom as she played kitty.

Until!

My friend, no HER friend, Jess appeared. Veronica makes strong attachements to certain people. She ran downstairs as soon as she heard Jessica had arrived, gave her a huge hug and decided downstairs was ok after all.

She saw the downstairs den had promise.  She spread two blankets on the floor, scattered all the pillows around them and said ‘This is my stage.”

She put her hand to the side of her mouth and called out “People!”

“Veronica, people get to decide for themselves if they want to come. They might be playing with their other friends. Go ahead and do your performance.”

So she began. It was a musical story, involving running and monsters and scary and running and getting caught and almost getting caught. I admit, I didn’t appreciate it until she got to the part about running to the left and running to the right. She swung her arms in the correct direction.

Her audience had started to come in, and they were listening, but they were also visiting with each other as they sat on the furniture.

She received numerous rounds of applause, and she was going to keep their attention.

This would not do! It was HER show. She continued her story-song, but ran sweeping across the row of people. She spilled Jessica’s wine, and then pushed against the stomach of another woman there.

“Veronica! Be careful! Gentle with the audience!”

It’s not just that she loved the musical Oliver. It’s that she began immediately to practice this new art form.

They are having a performance of Wizard of OZ. I hope that she can learn the lyrics. Munchkins have some complicated songs

An American Thanksgiving in Mirnyy Yakutia

KNOCK KNOCK

“They’re here!”

The guests had arrived. Just like every thanksgiving since the beginning, there was a flurry of last-minute preparation and a jump to answer the door. But this thanksgiving was an American thanksgiving abroad.

My first. So far my only.

19 years old, with my two parents and my two brothers, we were living in the town of Mirnyy, in Yakutia. Never heard of it? It was the diamond capital of the Soviet Union. It’s still a diamond-mining town, but the Soviet Union is long gone. In 1992, the year I’m talking about, the Soviet Union was newly gone. We had come to teach in a Bible-based school, and had only planned to stay January through June.

Surprise. It was November and we remained. We must have a thanksgiving feast! Regardless of the lack of food supplies–everything was defeetceet–we must have Thanksgiving dinner. And we must invite guests.

Mark opened the door. Nicholai, Tamara and their friend Oksana were here. Mom scurried past with the samovar. We took their coats, fur hats, mittens and all, placing them across the bed of the one bedroom.

Nicholai was the founding teacher of our new school. His constant support and graciousness made our transition here not only easy, but possible. His wife Tamara hosted us so many times at their flat, feeding us tea and borsht and every delicious thing the town could offer. She was delighted to accept our invitation to Thanksgiving dinner. When we explained that Thanksgiving was about guests, she said, “I shall bring my friend Oksana. She will enjoy this. You will love her!”

Every week of our stay so far someone invited us to their home for dinner. We’d feasted and grown fat in this town. This was the first time we’d invited guests for dinner at our home.

I was scared. How would we do this? Mom started to plan. As the only daughter and the experienced food shopper I paid close attention. What could we assemble into a feast? I said I had seen whole chickens at least twice at one shop, and that could stand in for a turkey. For Cranberry sauce we could use local berries. Berries were easy because the forest around had plenty and people shared what they picked. Bread for stuffing was also easy; Russians protect their bread supply.

So then, finding enough space around the table was another problem. We did not have the beautiful dishes that Tamara had; we scrambled to be sure we had an ordinary plate for everyone.

“Come into our dining room!” We led our guests into the living room spread with the dining table. The couch served as seating on one side, and the other side was assembled stools and chairs.  Samovar on one end, with soup as first course ready to be served. It wasn’t done to skip the soup.

“You have done an excellent job,” Nicholai said as he entered.

“This is very wonderful!” Tamara said. “You have laid the table so nicely. Look Oksana, isn’t this nice? I can see the care you have taken with every small thing.”

Everyone seated now, our plates empty, Dad took this pause to make a formal occasion:

“When the Pilgrims first came to America, in pursuit of religious freedom, they has a very hard time of it. They didn’t know how to get food in this new land. The Indian people who lived there helped them. The Pilgrims would not have survived without the help of the Indians.

“So, during harvest season the Pilgrims planned a great feast for their Indian friends. That first thanksgiving, the Indians and the Pilgrims feasted and shared all they had. The Pilgrims were very grateful.

“Since that time, America has celebrated thanksgiving day. Well. Lincoln made it a holiday during the Civil War, but it was celebrated before then.

“It is a tradition for everyone around the table to take a moment and say something we are grateful for.”

He concluded and gestured to our guests. Engrossed in the story, and shook themselves free to try to understand what was expected of them.

Mom spoke up, from her place next to Dad. “I can begin. I am so thankful for welcome we have received from everyone here in Mirnyy and all the friends we have made.”

We took turns, my American family coming up with our thanks.  After a few examples, Nicolai and Tamara were able to easily respond. “We are thankful to have a chance to take part of this American tradition and eat this lovely dinner with our friends.”

Oksana said, “I am thankful to meet new friends and learn about American stories.”

Dad then led us in prayer. Now we could eat!

Mom dished up the borsht. We ate it Russian style, soupspoon in one hand and bread in the other.

After the soup, we should eat the bird. But there was a problem. I hadn’t been able to find a chicken after all. That week we had wondered what to do, how could we have Thanksgiving without a bird? Would we make the shape of the turkey out of of stuffing? Was that even possible?

The answer came from some Yakut friends of Chris. These men embraced my youngest brother, and had taken him hunting the month before.

“They had these military grade ammunition. If they shot one in the sky, it flashed light and you could see everywhere. The sky was all lit up. They were crazy! I didn’t catch anything though.” They enjoyed showing off their guns and hunting skills to the American.

Then that Tuesday night, late. we heard a knock on the door. A big Yakut man came in, and he was carrying two very big dead birds.

Glooxa!” he said. That was the name of this kind of bird. The word literally meant stupid or deaf. He had a successful hunting trip and wanted to share with us. These were very dead and very heavy.  The feathers shone with iridescence.

A Thanksgiving miracle: a real dead Russian turkey miraculously dropped off in time for our feast!

We put them in the bathtub to prepare later. Mom declared she would pluck them and get them ready the next day. As it happened, plucking is a lost art. She skinned them.

So after the soup, she brought out a lovely skinned and roasted bird body to share. We told them the story of how we received them and our guests were delighted to eat the tender dark meat.

Dad carved the turkey while my mother explained that the carving of the turkey had a special significance, usually done by the male. She even explained that some people used electric knives. Oooh! Aaah!

We feasted, we laughed, we remembered. Then it was time for pie.

Pie.

The pie was my contribution. Weeks earlier someone brought over a baby food jar of pureed carrots. It was a novel gift, from one of the teenagers who came over to practice their English. Baby food? She said it tasted good, and it was unusual.
Unusual tastes were so rare for the locals. Of course, all tastes were novel to our foreign tongues. We put it in our cupboard, not knowing what else to do with it. But I thought it could be made into a custard pie. Not pumpkin, but orange at least.

I’d made a crust and a custard filling. The pie came out bright orange. I hadn’t tasted it but I handed it round with the tea, nervous at what might be in store.

Tasting a sweet butterscotch flavor, the diners declared it a success.

We achieved the stretch-bellied satisfaction of Thanksgiving dinner we were hoping for. And here was another potential problem. After dinner, the Russians traditionally began to toast. Dad had decided we would continue our teetotal lifestyle in Russia, so no way were we going to serve alcohol after dinner.

But what, then?

“Let’s play moose moose!”

This was a silly youth group game. Each person would choose a motion and a sound to indicate an animal. The starting animal was a moose; the person playing the moose would put their hand-antlers up to their head and say “moose moose.” The other people in the circle chose their animals with a sound and a sign. The moose began the game, saying his word, “moose moose” and then another animal: “bow wow.”  The dog would have to answer quickly with his sign and the sign of another player or he was out.

Once the dog was out, the circle would all move up, swapping animals to match the location in the circle. It was easy to forget that you were now the dog.

This game transcended language barriers. We played again and again, and laughed way more than I ever had during drinking times. Tamara’s friend Oksana was hilarious and fun, and everyone departed feeling very friendly and satisfied.

Happy Thanksgiving!

13 habits of resiliant people

1. They take ownership of the state of their lives

2. They cultivate and protect their power

3. They embrace change

4. They focus on what is under their control

5. They are okay with making some people upset with their choices

6. They Take Calculated Risks

7. They look to the future

8. They learn from their mistakes

9. They appreciate other people’s success.

10. They keep trying after a failure

11. They can be happy alone

12. They know it is up to them to affect the change they want

 

13. They know results take time

 

 

Where am I? What am I doing?

Has anyone else noticed that prices don’t make sense anymore? I mean, I remember taking a quarter to the store and being able to buy candy. And a dime would make a phone call.

YES, I am going to get all old-timer right now. It’s the holidays and I can get crankily nostalgic if I want to.

A dime for a phone call. That is nearly nonsensical now. Even rest stops on the highway don’t have payphones anymore. I took a photo of the empty phone booths on the 15 highway on the way to San Diego once.

I took the photo with my phone.

What is going on? And look at this! Macaroni and cheese costs a buck fifty. How is that possible? When did a dozen eggs cost 3 dollars?

I go to the store and feel like I’m in a foreign country with an unfavorable exchange rate. I remember having this same feeling in Denmark. Holy Crap! That’s what a loaf of bread costs? Well, I have to pay it because it’s even worse to get food any other way. Cheese sandwiches in the hotel are the cheapest it’s going to get.

However, I am in the twilight of my 40th year. It occurs to me that adulthood is a foreign country I haven’t gotten the hang of.

All these expectations. “You didn’t know? You haven’t tried? You haven’t read? You haven’t been?”

Have I? Would I know if I had? What does that look like? If I was there, would I have recognized it? I think I was supposed to be further along by now. I think I didn’t do the homework.

On the whole, I like being an adult. I look at my 4 year old daughter, and I see her chafing against all the ways she doesn’t have control over her life.

I have more control. I think. And then I look at all the ways my peers don’t have control over their lives. Do they have more control than I see?

What is the story we are telling ourselves? Am I here because I am afraid of all the other imagined alternatives? Am I here because this is my choice, my preferred life?

Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, says that it is far happier to be happy and know you are happy.

So too, with choices. It is far better to know I make the choice to get up at 5 AM every morning because I choose to go to work and have this kind of life. I choose it.

My daughter does not choose her bath every night, resists that bath EVERY NIGHT. It is an unnecessary struggle, and a very predictable one. That alarm clock can be a predictable struggle too.

Awareness, also called mindfulness, makes these unfamiliar and seemingly unmovable life constraints my own. There are a lot of choices that I would choose and re-choose every day. Personal grooming, yes.

Then there are those others, which, once I become aware that they are choices, I might do different.

And that makes all the difference.

Everyday

It is squirrel rush on the phone lines outside our house. Lucy dog wants to go outside but she does not coexist with the squirrels

It is 730 am on Saturday morning

Most people want to be sleeping