I don’t want to be in a battle. But waiting on the edge of one I can’t escape is even worse.
- Pippin (from the movie Lord of the Rings _The Return of the King_
It’s easter Sunday and I’m writing this before I’ll need it. I don’t know what will happen after the 14th. This is scheduled to send on April 19th.
I know what will happen ON April 14th. I will have a surgery that removed my right breast and all it’s tissue. In January I had a routine mammogram and cancer was discovered. On February first a surgeon doctor talked with me and said they’d need to remove the whole thing to remove all the cancer.
That’s a lot to contend with. Just the word CANCER shook me. And that was just the start. How should I feel about this news?
As it happened, I had to feel a lot of ways before deciding what I wanted to feel. That was the end I was trying to achieve. How could I hold this reality in my sight and be okay with it?
Breast cancer is a very feminine thing. I responded in a very female way: How is everybody doing? How are my family? Are all the people in my circle ok?
I knew I wasn’t ok, but I also knew it would take time to get to ok. As a woman I couldn’t neglect all the people I had responsibilities towards. Still had to feed the cat and water my plants.
My feels and perspective passed through a lot of shades and hues before I arrived at my current détente.
How appropriate that Easter lands right before my surgery. The triumph of the resurrection is a wonderful template for my experience. I will go under and come up anew.
I’m keeping my eyes on that. Although I walked around contending with death for the first few weeks after the news, I have come to see (thank you medical team and friends!) that I will recover and get moving along my life.
Right now, this moment I am worried about what happens after the surgery. How will I feel? How much will it hurt and how long? What will be different after this change to my body? What will be the same?
Will I still be myself?
Part of who I am and who I want to continue to be in the world is a woman who writes.
I can’t know how I’ll feel after the surgery. But I can prepare for the things I know.
I know I will want to write about my life and experience as I have done for so long. I want to share what’s going on for me and give post-surgery me a little help by queueing up this post. My plan is to give a little (as must as is appropriate) update after so you can all come along with me through this.
UPDATE: