This summer…no, maybe this whole year…has been one of ups and downs.
I’ve heard of manic swings. I always thought i was the kind who would go for the up side of the energy, not really to down side.
Something happened early this year, though. I plummeted. I had a goal, I had a plan. And it bottomed. It bottomed and I was stuck
Yes, I had had surgery. Yes, I had personal relationship difficulties that were outside of my control–yes, I said it. I couldn’t do anything to budge those interpersonal issues.
My goals were stalled.
All I’ve ever had were my goals.
I couldn’t seem to make progress on ANYTHING.
except one thing. I finished my manuscript. The only thing 100% in my power, and
I FINISHED IT
I FINISHED IT
I WROTE THE THING
which is great. and an impossibility
I wrote it all down and i did it and I did it and I finished it and I wrote it and it is done and it is FINISHED
IT IS FINISHED
of course, that isn’t the end. Getting to the end of the story isn’t the story.
What happens during the happily every after? there are lots and lots of multitudinous moments in the happily ever after
And then, I got to the end. That meant I got to tighten up the story of my life.
Because all that stuff happened. And it happened just like I said. But what if I said it differently?
I had this happen before. When I was leaving my first husband, I wrote the story of what had happened to lead up to the divorce. I knew, I knew it went deep.
And I wrote it all all, almost ten pages or maybe it was twenty of what had led to this.
And I kept writing it and tightening it…for days until I forced myself to stop. I knew I was becoming obsessed with it because I wished I could have made it turn out differently.
I think I wished i didn’t have to have a divorce, or at the very least I didn’t have to have all that pain.
The pain of the divorce was terrifying, and it was a ripping away of who I thought I was
I thought I was my mother’s daughter, and my God’s chosen child.
to choose this divorce, to choose myself, meant I was not part of my family and not the chosen child of God
I decided God and my family would have to take second place to me.
I really thought it would kill me.
Then, at that time, I looked at me and saw
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I saw all the things I *could* be but that I wasn’t…things I hadn’t been allowed to be, and the gates were closing on me like the huge gate on a tiny soace ship going as fast as it could to escape and catch up with the rebel forces.
I could do it! I should try! All the things I hoped for and longed for
what were those things again?
education and career. Career first, because that was the short cut. Career meant smart. PROVABLY smart because of a paycheck
X dollars an hour smart
and then there was the education. My education which was so very lacking. EVERYONE had college degrees but me.
except for the people who didnt. and they didn’t because they had careers
I didn’t know people didn’t hang with people who didn’t have jobs or education. EVERYONE seemed to have one or both
i’m forty now, not 24
This year, I hit the wall. I had no where to go to get to the career I wanted. I had TRIED everything, I had thrown myself against every door until I was bruised and bloody
and I’d finished my manuscript.
I started to be free from all those demons I’d trapped on paper. Those expectations and those TRAPS
I saw I was living those traps still. i dont want to be the loser with the same hang ups UNTIL I DIE
I reached out into the void, knowing I had to learn something. This wasn’t working.
That void of what I really wanted, I wanted to find myself.
So, when I chose myself during that divorce I didnt’ have to know what I was choosing. The anything that I might have been was better than what was.
Anything was better than what that was.
Now…it’s time to get more specific. The sands are filling the hourglass of my life.
I mean, I’M the same i ever was…but my friends are all looking pretty old.
I would like to spend some time getting to know myself better. What do I want? What do I like?
those are some very weak signals.
and they are the most critical signals of all