Have I met..?

This summer…no, maybe this whole year…has been one of ups and downs.

I’ve heard of manic swings. I always thought i was the kind who would go for the up side of the energy, not really to down side.

Something happened early this year, though. I plummeted. I had a goal, I had a plan. And it bottomed. It bottomed and I was stuck

Yes, I had had surgery. Yes, I had personal relationship difficulties that were outside of my control–yes, I said it. I couldn’t do anything to budge those interpersonal issues.

My goals were stalled.

All I’ve ever had were my goals.

I couldn’t seem to make progress on ANYTHING.

except one thing. I finished my manuscript. The only thing 100% in my power, and

I FINISHED IT

I FINISHED IT

I WROTE THE THING

which is great. and an impossibility

I wrote it all down and i did it and I did it and I finished it and I wrote it and it is done and it is FINISHED

IT IS FINISHED

of course, that isn’t the end. Getting to the end of the story isn’t the story.

What happens during the happily every after? there are lots and lots of multitudinous moments in the happily ever after

And then, I got to the end. That meant I got to tighten up the story of my life.

Because all that stuff happened. And it happened just like I said. But what if I said it differently?

I had this happen before. When I was leaving my first husband, I wrote the story of what had happened to lead up to the divorce. I knew, I knew it went deep.

And I wrote it all all, almost ten pages or maybe it was twenty of what had led to this.

And I kept writing it and tightening it…for days until I forced myself to stop. I knew I was becoming obsessed with it because I wished I could have made it turn out differently.

I think I wished i didn’t have to have a divorce, or at the very least I didn’t have to have all that pain.

The pain of the divorce was terrifying, and it was a ripping away of who I thought I was

I thought I was my mother’s daughter, and my God’s chosen child.

to choose this divorce, to choose myself, meant I was not part of my family and not the chosen child of God

I decided God and my family would have to take second place to me.

I really thought it would kill me.

Then, at that time, I looked at me and saw

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I saw all the things I *could* be but that I wasn’t…things I hadn’t been allowed to be, and the gates were closing on me like the huge gate on a tiny soace ship going as fast as it could to escape and catch up with the rebel forces.

I could do it! I should try! All the things I hoped for and longed for

what were those things again?

education and career. Career first, because that was the short cut. Career meant smart. PROVABLY smart because of a paycheck

X dollars an hour smart

and then there was the education. My education which was so very lacking. EVERYONE had college degrees but me.

except for the people who didnt. and they didn’t because they had careers

I didn’t know people didn’t hang with people who didn’t have jobs or education. EVERYONE seemed to have one or both

i’m forty now, not 24

anyway.

This year, I hit the wall. I had no where to go to get to the career I wanted. I had TRIED everything, I had thrown myself against every door until I was bruised and bloody

and I’d finished my manuscript.

I started to be free from all those demons I’d trapped on paper. Those expectations and those TRAPS

I saw I was living those traps still. i dont want to be the loser with the same hang ups UNTIL I DIE

I reached out into the void, knowing I had to learn something. This wasn’t working.

That void of what I really wanted, I wanted to find myself.

So, when I chose myself during that divorce I didnt’ have to know what I was choosing. The anything that I might have been was better than what was.

Anything was better than what that was.

Now…it’s time to get more specific. The sands are filling the hourglass of my life.

I mean, I’M the same i ever was…but my friends are all looking pretty old.

I would like to spend some time getting to know myself better. What do I want? What do I like?

really really

those are some very weak signals.

and they are the most critical signals of all

resentment

resentment

I can hear it in my voice. It isn’t pretty. And it is so present.

I am resentful. I am bitter. I am wronged and it twangs against my heart to know it and to feel it

It is a STORY, and it is magnificent, how very wronged I am.

I am mad about it. But not healthy mad…sniveling, pitful resentful and powerless mad

dark corner hooded eye angry

you know who will tell you all the ways things didn’t go right?

The loser

i do not want to be the loser.

I am NOT the loser because

I AM NOT DONE

I want to re-write the story. I have to re-write it. Even if It’s a cliff hanger

Where will we see our heroine next?
How on earth will she get out of this scrape?

Boy, I like the sound of that a lot better than theone where I snivel.

I AM NOT DONE YET

The Intelligence of the Soul

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My magnum opus, currently titled The Russian American School of Tomorrow (rasot) is under the scrutiny of beta readers

My beta readers have pointed out some discrepencies and confusing parts. In one section, I describe the shopping for bread in Russia:

I saw a dark building right by; that must be the bread store. I ducked in, the warm yeasty smell so inviting after the freezing outside. Darker inside than out, it was quite small. Raw plywood sheets had been nailed against two-by-fours around the top half of the room, to create slanted bread bins. Some of the shelves even had the tall dense loaves on them. The bread was naked to the touch and cost 75 kopeks.

My reader asked what I meant by “naked to the touch.” Was I being overly poetic?

I meant that they weren’t in plastic bags, or any kind of bag. Plastic bags existed in Mirnyy in 1992, but not the throwaway disposable kind we have become accustomed to. For all  I know, Russia is as coated in plastic now as America was then.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? I am thinking of the movie “The Graduate” One word. Plastics.

I was watching the outstanding Genius of Design again. It was the episode that talks about the chair…the one-piece plastic chair. Back when it was avant garde art. Now it is 6 dollars each at the big box store. Because of plastic. We think in plastic. The guy at the end of the documentary said “Plastic is 100% human intelligence”

Oh boy. Now we have to think about that. What is plastic? What is human intelligence?

The plastic that first was used to invent the one-piece chair isn’t the same plastic we use now. We have better plastic. We have better intelligence.

Maybe.

Plastic has taken on a new meaning. It is an adjective and an adverb. We should be plastic. We should be especiallly plastic about our ideas of plastic.

Wanting things to be moldable and pleasant to the touch and durable and manufacturable…We have a new technology. It’s all over the news right now. 3D printers use plastics to take a thought–a computer drawing–and make them real.

they use more than plastic. We have made other materials more plastic. Metal has been changed and treated into a powder which will react and then solidify with a 3D printer.

So will wood, when made into the right form.

The idea of plastic has been so compelling, so seductive, that we are inventing plastics that aren’t plastic.

And now I am thinking of something Margaret Fuller said:

Whatever the soul knows how to seek, it cannot fail to obtain.

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lord of light your name outshining

This hymn to me is talking about work. I love to work. And I hate work a lot of the time. So, this hymn is comforting.

Lord of Light Your Name Outshining

 

Lord of light, your name outshining all the stars and suns of space,
use our talents in your kingdom as the servants of your grace.
Use us to fulfill your purpose in the gift of Christ your Son.
Lord of light, as in highest heaven, so on earth Thy will be done.

2.
By the toil of faithful workers in some far outlying field,
by the courage, where the radiance of the cross is still revealed,
by the victories of meekness, through reproach and suff’ring won.
Lord of light, as in highest heaven, so on earth Thy will be done.

3.
Grant that knowledge, still increasing, at your feet may lowly kneel.
With your grace our triumphs hallow, with your charity our zeal.
Lift the nations from the shadows to the gladness of the sun –
Lord of light, as in highest heaven, so on earth Thy will be done.

4.
By the prayers of faithful watchers, never silent day or night,
by the cross of Jesus, bringing peace to all, and healing light,
by the love that passes knowledge, making all your children one,
Lord of light, as in highest heaven, so on earth Thy will be done.