An undeserved boon; she has the right to demand feedings every three hours, but she has started to sleep for four hours during the night.
This morning, she lay awake and made little cooing noises from about 7 to 8, which I managed to sleep through,and then ate for an HOUR. VERY polite of her, and I am surprised her little tummy could actually take that much food in.
She is growing fast.
Here is an encore of cuteness:
I think her forehead muscles are far more developed than her neck muscles at this stage. But I do think all her frowns are cute:
So I’ve been on ‘leave’ for two months now. The first month was spent incapacitated by a large internal parasite which left me very weak and incapable. The second month has been spent caring for that now emerged parasite.
Which meant I couldn’t *do* much about the state of my home.
My laptop is sort of perched on the filing cabinet in a room I have termed the wreck room because it’s such a mess. My clothes, jewelry books and computer are stored here, and it’s an unholy pile.
I would like to clean things up. I have been thinking and resenting this pile of mess for the last two months but did not have the resources to do anything about it.
My clothing, and i do love a well put together outfit, has become an albatross. About 8 months ago I started piling up the clothes that I wouldn’t be wearing for a while into separate bins. Why waste space on my cute jeans that wouldn’t fit my pregnant butt for the next 7 months and THEN SOME?
But now I”m packing away the maternity clothes, and still don’t fit the other clothes. And the weight of these possessions has become a burden. I am tempted to throw EVERYTHING away.
BEGONE!
…and I haven’t even started on the books.
About a week and a half ago, I was losing my mind at how intensely difficult it is to take care of a newborn. No minute of any hour was mine. I was frantic, and wondered if anything would ever be easy again.
I had fantasies, back when I was bloatedly pregnant about what I would do as soon as I had delivery the child:
1. Take a hot bath
2. Take long walks with the dog
3. BEND OVER
4. Drink a glass of wine
But then she arrived and everything was so far away. A BATH! Give me a break! I was surprised i had time to comb my hair.
As for enjoying a glass of wine…I said to my mom “I would love to sit down and have a cup of tea. But there is a mountain between me and a cup of tea that I simply cannot climb right now. I can’t do it.”
Mom came down and helped me out. And she held the child while I had that cup of tea. In fact, she came down two weekends in a row.
But now she’s gone, and has to stay gone for a while because she has her own life in Sacramento. But somehow, a combination of the child getting older and me getting more experience in how to handle this (mentally and physically), I can see that things might be doable.
I didn’t say easy. Just doable.
So, as a matter of fact, my little child is sorta sleeping in her carry seat–she is okay with not being held ALL the time now–and I have just made myself a cup of tea.
Doable. A smaller mountain.
The dog is used to our child now. But some people have asked what the cat thinks of the little one:
Basically, he’ll adjust.
So, on her three week a versery, Veronica got to go down to the doctors.
She is growing, and inch and a half longer..and she’s heavier. Up from 8 lbs 10 to 9 lbs 1.5
That’s good. I guess she’s thriving.
But there was a huge page of questions for me. Am I drinking or taking drugs? Do I leave this child unattended on high surfaces? Do I get adequate explanation on how to use the medications that were prescribed to me?
NO to all.
And then:
Are you feeling blue?
Feeling? Blue?
Is blue the color you see when you are trapped inside the cylinder of a tornado? Red, gray, black, maybe. No, not feeling blue.
But yesterday, she was screaming for a bit, so I decided if she was going to scream I might as well let her scream to some fun music. I put on some sing-along 80s music and held her close while I danced and sang.
RIght when it came to the part where I could sing along, I was busting out with the chorus and my voice disappeared. It was the fun part.
I hadn’t had a feeling a fun since…well at least since Veronica had been born.
So that thought required a certain amount of tears, which certainly have been present since V has been born.
Then it made me feel mad, because, dammit, I am going to find a way back to, a way back to happy…if it kills me.
And i realized that this state of affairs could be part of why I’m having so much trouble feeling optimistic. So I guess I can remember that I should not forget to get happy at least a little bit every day, until it comes back naturally.
I think it will.
Today, we got a call from Judy, my mother-in-law.
It appears that her dog, Mac, is finally on his last legs. She needed Chris to come help take him to the vet.
His last trip.
Here is a my post showing that brave, cheerful dog, who is now lost to us:
sitting here watching the 400,000 rerun of Law & Order, the thgought that things are never going to be easy again entered my mind.
Naturally, I cannot help but see all the projects I’ve left unfinished and all the things I’d like to organize. Which I cannot finish or organize right now. I thought “Things that get put down in a place where they don’t belong are probably going to stay in that place for…years.”
Naturally, that made me get up and start putting things away.
I have to remember, things are changing. But in all directions.
I actually got Veronica to hang out in a Snugli today. Mostly, I think it had to do with my strength. I finally had the ability to carry her and do other things. It is very freeing. I even trimmed a bush out front that has been bugging me since before Christmas.
Maybe things won’t go entirely to chaos.
She’s 19 days old.
It feels like a lot longer. The fact is, the days is too large a portion to swallow. I live by the 3 hour feeding cycle.
so my days are 3 hours long…meaning each day is actually 8 days in newborn years. that means i’ve been home with her for…152 days.
That sounds right
Yesterday, Veronica’s grandparents all came to visit, pretty much unplanned and unbeknownst to each other.
Chris’s mom had already volunteered to come help out…which meant holding the baby while I took a nap.
She held the baby like a pro. And I realized that i hadn’t given Veronica away to be held for more than…oh…20 minutes since she was born. My arms felt very empty and I felt almost panicky. But I lay down and managed a nap for about a half hour.
I didn’t think I would sleep, but I knew i had to try.
See, I had called my mom the day before and just cried at her about how hard this was and how I had not sleep and how I was overwhelmed with anxiety at all the responsibility of this little life. She booked a hotel and was driving down to help out over her three day weekend.
So, Chris’s mom held my baby, and I knew that even if I couldn’t fall asleep that day, I had to stay awake and get used to someone else taking care of the baby so that I could fall asleep the next day.
I did sleep for about a half hour, and that was good.
What with all the grandparents coming through and holding my child, she slept a lot…lap naps. I was worried (what CAN’T I worry about right now?) that she wouldn’t sleep through the night. She seemed to have slept all day.
But she slept fine. And I slept better, too. Just sharing the load a little made a big difference.