So I can’t make mint juleps like in the Great Gatsby. But, that brings up another point:

What is so great about Gatsby?

I dont’ get it.

But I am pretty sure I need some ice

I had reason to be afraid. There was a meeting with someone I did not want to talk to. I had spoken with him times before, and so many of the times had been painful.
I had been accused, judged, misunderstood, harassed and rejected. More than once! It was a reliable thing with this fellow.
And I had to talk with him again.
I was afraid. Trying very hard not to be afraid. Shaking, bravely quaking.

And I found this:

The mechanisms were always exactly the same, whether political, religious, psychological, philosophic. Dragons guarded the entrances and exits of each layer in the spectrum of belief, or opinion; and the dragons were always the same dragon, no matter what names they went under. The dragon was fear

I had a dragon to face. And I was not the only one. Dragons–fear dragons–guard treasure.
I had to face this dragon-conquer this dragon-to achieve my heart’s treasure.

If fear saps passion, then passion trumps fear. I want what the dragon is guarding! And I might not even know for sure what that monster is keeping, but if I’m scared of something as silly as talking to someone…there must be something there.

my life after the greenworld is alright, I suppose. I have given myself some tasks to do.

I am tired of being tired of my life. So I have set up a plan to turn myself nearly completely inside out.

And I will work on this every day.

And I will not finish it. Every day, I will make progress on partially turning myself inside out, and being satisfied and comfortable with the process and progress every day.

no wonder I threw my back out.

My dental hygienist gave me a lecture today after cleaning my teeth.

I felt bad for a while, but then I thought, Hey, take a chill pill. I brush and floss 99% of the time. What more do you want from me? And since I do those things, the rest is pretty much luck.

So get off my back.

The thing is, no one is perfect. These dentist people know that which is why they get to be on their high and mighty.

I am not buying it. Yes, I could get all guilty about that 1% that I don’t floss. OR I could get all worried about how maybe I didn’t brush long enough.

BUT I DON”T BUY IT.

Dentists are in a great position. I cannot look and judge for myself how my teeth are doing. I don’t know how to gauge the health of my gums.

So I don’t know how dire the situation is. I may need to have all my teeth pulled out by the end of the year.

Or I may be guilted into getting my teeth cleaned 3 times a year instead of the perfectly adequate 2.

But because I have no way of knowing, I am powerless. I don’t like that. And I don’t like that I am being taken advantage of, in ways I don’t know.

That is a basic human trait, you know. Knowing whether something is right. My toddler knows whether it is right or not.

“No Mommy! I need a FORK for mac&cheese”

She knows it is meant to be eaten with a fork. That’s the right way.

All of us know, inside ourselves, at a very early age, what is right and what is not.

That must be honored in all human interaction.

Sometimes you have to make your own green world. maybe make a fort out of a blanket and the couch cushions.

But the changed perspective is required.

Listening to a program about colors, the hosts suggested that while colors do objectively exist we cannot ever be certain what color any individual is perceiving at any time.

People see different things. Some people are color blind and don’t see certain colors, or if they do, they see them differently.

This reminds me of something I learned in literature classes. I can write something, and someone else can read it. I cannot really know what that person takes away from what I have written. It is a creation of that reading, a combination of the person who wrote, the person who read and their experiential space and time.

I write things and send them out to my blog readers. Some of you respond in ways that are heartfelt and completely unexpected. I could not have guess that someone would read THAT into what I wrote.

I had no idea.

You and me, reader, can create something together that we could not do individually.

and isn’t that beautiful?

I told the librarian that I published a book. She was suitably impressed. She congratulated me, and asked “When do you find time to write? Do you treat it like a second job and sit down for four hours a day?”

I do not. I can’t say i find time to write. I find time to write like I find time to pee.

I do it when I can, whenever and whereever I find myself.

I have learned to be organized about it, and what I need to write next. And to edit when editing is required.
But I do not treat it so preciously that I have to set aside time.

Maybe one day I will set aside time. But mostly, I just do it in between all the other things.

Is literature the real world?
Maybe it is not the real world.

I took a break from literary books, and grabbed onto the fantasy raft. I need to know that dragons will be slain and heroes win.

BUt i was strong and the water had receded.

Excpet the book was strong too. I could’t handle this one. It is good. But I am not ready.

Don’t read the Bell Jar when you are feeling low.

And, some books are for the strong.

As a parent, I’ve become involved in the breathless anticipation of

MILESTONES

Baby is supposed to hold up her head, roll over, sit up and walk at a certain time.

She is supposed to do more as she gets older. Nap less, eat more, run, learn her alphabet and say please.

She’s doing fine, but there is that parental imperative to look ahead and make sure.

This is how humans grow. Except it seems to stop being tracked after a certain point.

at 6 months, they eat solid food.

At 13 (or so) puberty hits

at 16, they are the age to drive a car

at 18 they are mature enough to vote

age 21, they can drink alcohol

Then what? Do we all just stay at the same maturity?

Aren’t there milestones for me? I asked a psychology expert. She said that adult maturity is not well-researched.

So I am thrust back on my own life experience. What are the people I know doing? Who are the people I want to be like?

Where am I along the curve? Is there a curve? Do we flatline?

I think that perhaps the fear of mortality has kept us from looking for the curve. Because the curve has a beginning–birth–and an end

Death.

I don’t like thinking about death. That doesn’t make it less inevitable.

In any case, What are the candidates for progressive maturity? There is having a body of contibution to society. Children, a family, creative work, building something…that’s all fine for society.

But what about the soft skills? are we supposed to achieve patience and wisdom? How can we tell?

What is the difference between vapidity and longsuffering?

I don’t like this map-less territory. How do I know if I’m winning?

I am discovering something I am not pleased with. I love to talk, I like to visit with people. I let my opinions dangle off my sleeves.

It’s not hard to find out what I think of something.

And when I am asked a question, I answer it too fully. Especially in what I consider to be a casual situation.

But. I am thinking I need to build a few more defenses. It would be good if I could take my frustrations and put them aside, and give a convincing reply.

If I hear of something I am not happy about, i can say “How about that?”

But today someone saw through that. He understood exactly what I did not say.

I didn’t want him to understand what I did not say.

But.

I will have to find a way to sell myself on thinking differently, if it behooves me to do so.

because i can’t be so readable.

I am not sure how to do it. I will have to come up with a method.