Chris has taken to having the rabbit hop across Veronica’s crib at night. All the animals have their sounds, and he had to come up with one for Rabbit.

Zebra says ZZZ, doggie says woof. Simon’s cat says mow. Flamingo says ffff. The Hippopotamus hiccups.

But that leaves rabbit. Rabbit can hop. And he does hop. But Chris has given him a line. He hops, and then he says ‘I LOVE YOU!’ and dives into Veronica’s stomach, or neck, and gives her kisses.

This reminded me of The Quest for the Holy Grail. THAT rabbit had very vicious teeth and dove for the neck too.

But this rabbit is full of love.

I had to watch it again to be sure. But there is no evidence that the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch actually killed the rabbit.

That’s when I realized that the Holy Hand Grenade must have had a converting effect. The rabbit is now a righteous rabbit, and repentant rabbit.

He has changed message.

I LOVE YOU!

Do I know more than when she arrived?

Well, I know that she made it to her first

second

third

birthday.

I didn’t know that would happen when she arrived. I also didn’t know if I could make a go of this. I didn’t know that she would love me.

She does. Quite a lot. In the middle of the night.

I remember wanting to plan her 6 month birthday party. I was too tired. But I was glad that she reached it. I have learned the value of other mom friends.

That’s good.

I didn’t know it would be this hard for this long.

I think it will be this hard for even longer. But I know that I am stronger than I thought I was.

I really want to take my career to the next level. I have been stagnant for a while

I really want to take my writing to the next level.

I still need to clean out and organize my garage.

I’d like to be a better friend to the people I love.

I would like to be a better member of my community.

I would like to be more active in church.

But…I can’t do all those things at once. And a huge amount of them I don’t know how to do at all.

If, however, I look at it from my new perspective of “know what i know” I probably do have a little bit of an idea on how to start.

So..I have no comforting excuse that “i just don’t know what to do!”

I only have the not-comforting excuse of “i don’t have time!”

How very uncomforting that excuse it. Because whenever i sit down exhausted, I think “See~? You do have time. You could be doing all those things right now instead of sitting.”

Someone asked me what I do to unwind. HA!

right

I can put all my reviews from my blog..the reviews of books…up on goodreads. I thought i was all into shelfari…but now it’s goodreads…and I dont know what is next.

I’ve been pursuing some goals. And I have chugged up the the top of the hill, and then had the goal ripped out of my hands.

Then on to the next one and rush rush, get all ready and then have the rug pulled away again.

It’s enough to make a girl cautious. I am having a little trouble working up enthusiasm for the next one.

I tell myself that I am closer to my goal, and that all these near misses indicate that I am very close to achieving my dream.

it’s tough. I have to keep trucking. I have to keep trying.

I had the chance to speak to the visiting fellow during my last year of studying literature at college. I didn’t have any classes with him, but I stopped by his office to chat.

I wanted to know what a fellow did. So we talked. And we discussed the nature of universities and teaching. I said, “Classes have a set way of doing things. When someone presents a piece of writing, the feedback must be ‘This part is good, this part needs work’ and then a grade. That is dishonest. Why can’t we say “This is perfect!” or “this is wholly irredeemable. Throw it out and try again”?”

He agreed. And he really agreed, because a professor in a different class said that he had told her that he and I had shared a very interesting conversation.

I called him out. And perhaps the only reason he could hear that I called him out was because he was a visiting fellow, and not a tenured teacher.

He wasn’t that far in.

Later, I was taking part of a writing group. It was large and full of grownups, most of whom had college degrees and lives and were on the down-sloping side of life. They were mostly retirees and of a settled and ordered existence.

One man brought a poem. He passed out copies and we all read it silently. The protocol was to give everyone some time to read, then go around the circle and give critiques.

Other people began and said “this imagery is confusing…and maybe this line break is not clear.”

YAWN, going through the motions.

But then it was my turn.

When I read the poem, my hair raised.  I read it three times. I said “I would not change a word of this poem. It is beautiful. I want to meet the woman it is about. No, I want to be the woman it is about. It is perfect.”

I could not believe that other people didn’t see what I saw. I was going to stand up and call it what it was.

But the organizer wouldn’t have it. “We are here to give feedback. Isn’t there something you can suggest as an improvement?”

I caved. I said a comma might be differently placed.

But I knew better. I knew that this poem was perfect. I knew that.

There is a place for surety in our lives. Surety is not very well tolerated, but I have to know what I know.

Sometimes, I know something is exactly right. And somethings are exactly wrong. Of course, this is very powerful and lovingkindness must be used throughout.

But it’s okay to be sure.

Listening to Khan academy talking about algebra.

And I am thinking about my new philosphy of  “know what you know”

Most of what I know that I have trouble knowing is the nature of the people around me. If someone I know consistently behaves in a way I wish they wouldn’t, then I have trouble knowing that.

I keep wishing that THIS time, that person would behave a way I like.

But I’m sick of being surprised and hurt. And I should also remember that the people who are so exciting and full of possibilities…are often the ones who disappoint.

I should realize that the unassuming and unsurprising are often the much better choice.

well…the algebra takes

y=p*x

Then..they get all crazy

y/x=(p*x)x

or

p=y/x

which is a way of rearranging the same information to come up with a new handle on it.

so…if I know that one person has behaved in a way that dissatisfied me…and if I know that person and how they make their choices

Then, if I meet another person who makes very similar choices…I can rearrange my data and say…

if y=choice

and x=friend and p=consequence

p=x*y

then I can take the choice and the consequence and see that it will be true independent of the friend

okay..people aren’t math. But sometimes they can be as predictable

So..walking up to the devil. He says, “You think you can take me?”

“Yes I do.” and I give him my best punch.

He remains. Standing there he looks at me and says, “That the best you can do?”

I recover my feet as quick as I can. And then hit him again without warning.

He flinches a little, but then says “You can’t win.”

“Oh yeah? OH YEAH?!” And another punch.

He doesn’t move.

“You say I can’t win. But I know I can. I know that I can try and keep trying and I will not stop until I walk over your back on the floor.”

…but right now…still throwing punches at his mocking face…

It turns out that this skill I have, that I have known that I had, has a name.

I can see into the future and know what is likely to happen next, and then what will happen after that.

Chris has this skill too. He is so good at it!

I have it, but I am very doubtful of myself so often. I think, “well, maybe there is something I don’t know. Maybe I am wrong.”

I am seldom wrong. But still I doubt myself.

Chris doenst doubt it. Almost never. And that is so SEXY!

But. it turns out this is a talent, and I should learn to use it effectively.

As I was doing my internship at NASA, so many years ago, I started to feel myself expanding. I was fluffing out in my capacities.

I knew that the person I was becoming was getting too big to fit in the current life I had. That worried me. I knew my life. I didn’t want to lose what my life had.

And so, I went to my husband. That would be my FIRST husband. I said “You know that I am growing as a person, reaching for possibilities. I want to do this, I want to achieve and become all I can be. But I know this will cause us to lose closeness.”

He didn’t get it. He gave the ‘right’ answer to what he thought I was saying:

“I want you to become the best you can be. Don’t worry about it! Go achieve what you can.”

First, that wasn’t what I was saying. I was going to become regardless of his desires or support. THat is what people do.

Second, that wasn’t true. He was not at all happy when I began to progress in my career and pile up accomplishments. It made him profoundly uncomfortable and he tried to sabotage

Third, I called it. I knew that as I grew, he would not keep pace. I was going to be seeing things and understanding the world in a way he did not, and did not want to. My reaching out to him was to ask him to open up and come along. To be brave and reach and stay with me.

That conversation is coming back to me now. I am on the cusp of taking some chances. And I am realizing, there are some people, some of my friends and loved ones, who are not coming with me.

Once again, people who I thought were on the same page and shared my values are coming into the crucible.

What are we made of?

I’m pretty sure I have the stuff to come through to the other side. That this effort and trial will purify me, and make me more like what I want to be.

I just hate to lose those people who came this far with me. But I better have faith that better things are coming.

change is scary