Not out of the woods yet

I talked once before about my family moving to Humboldt county when I was small. We came back to alaska, because that didn’t work out.

We had moved down to California to start a church. It was the thing, in our circle, and so we did it. We were in Humboldt for four years, but it didn’t work out.

And it was a hard thing for my parents. They believed in it, they believed in the team. THey thought they would be planting a church, a church that would be around for years and years and years and be a sheltering place of refuge.

But that wasn’t what happened for us. The pastor who’d come down to plant the church with our team started spreading his seed elsewhere. That didn’t come out till later, but it was very evident that something had gone very wrong.

My parents listened to that voice that said, “This is not right…” and got out. They were quite wrenched about it. THey wanted to build a monument, a church community that would be there for a long time.

But they left after four years, feeling like rats. Dad went back to Alaska to look for a job, and to prepare a place for the rest of us. That meant mom was supposed to pack everything up, us four kids-wait, three. The oldest was 18 now and could stay behind on his own.

But the house and us kids, all packed up and ready to be driven up the alaska canada highway to Daddy. It was a lot of packing. Mom was very organized and cranky about all the things, keeping track of what went where.

But the last day, she sat down on a chair and cried. I was 11: “Mom, why are you crying? You are all done! You should be happy.”

She sniffed and sobbed, and then told me “I only cry when it’s all done.”

It wasn’t done, though. SHe still had to drive all the way to alaska, in a VW bus filled with her children and our stuff. But to her mind, the hardest part was over. The part where she packed up her feelings and her dreams and put them away forever.

For me, I feel as if I’ve come through the hard part right now. It’s a sort of thing, where, you’re not quite out of the woods, but there is a light filtering through the leaves.

Now that the heat of the battle has passed, it’s okay to fall down in the dirt and beat my fists and howl with all the hurt I couldn’t feel before. Let the guard down. I faced the monsters so now I can be weak.