I will not let it be

as is usual for me, when I contemplate an important life moment, I think way ahead.

I’m turning 40 on my next birthday. It’s 6 months away. But I’m thinking about it.

I am in my prime. What am I doing about it?

I look around to see what others have accomplished by this time, to gauge where i should be and what i should look for.

It would seem that many people are willing..willing, not necessarily content…to remain in a holding pattern.

Almost everyone can imagine something better. But most people do not strive to attain it, and very few people indeed strive and succeed.

They find a job, a habit, a set of circumstances and stay there.

I gained 30..well,maybe 40 pounds when I was 20 years old and haven’t really lost it. I have tried for decades


to get out of the holding pattern. At least I lost some of the weight. So i’ve been 25-35 pounds overweight for the last 20 years.

WHAT THE HELL! is this how my life is going to be? half-hearted incomplete attempts?

That is not what I want. And weight is the easy metaphor, the inadequate metaphor. I have to break through and do things that a 25 year old can’t do.

What would that be? I have some ideas. And they are hard to implement.

But I am not willing to let this be enough. I am not willing to let it be.