Forgive, but don’t forget. That’s been my policy. It’s not that I want to hold a grudge; it is a self preservation thing. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I don’t need a second helping of

betrayal

disappointment

embarrassment

disrespect

lies

backstabbing

exploitation

So I will remember. I will hold it to my belly, curl around it and protect myself from that sort of thng ever happening again. I will be safe, remembering that horrible thing–never forget–what was done to me. I can cherish the memory, polish and refine it with names. Those people who did me wrong, they were

alcoholic

abusive

mentally ill

and more! with these labeles, I have categories for my victimhood and have bolstered it. I have a powerful stance, an informed and logical, backed-by-science victimhood and a reason to never never never forget.

If i make sure to be careful and protect myself from these bad guys and their hurtful scary ways, I can avoid the situations and encounters that will bring me more pain.

I’ve been thinking about this; about forgiveness and broken trust and my own safety.

I remembered this book. Steve Martin the comedian writes books now, and one of them, The Pleasure of My Company, is about a man who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder. He’s really smart, and he has locked himself into these rules.

Every day, he must overcome  extraordinary obstacles to just exist. One of his fears is of stepping off curbs–he can only leave his side of the street when a driveway provides a sloped descent into the street AND a corresponding driveway directly across the street provides an onramp. Not diagonal, only directly across.

Therefore, to get from his apartment to a local store to get necessary items, he takes a very circuitous route. It takes more than an hour to walk a few blocks to Rite Aid. He hates this, but he must abide by these rules in order for the world to be okay. He regrets how much time it takes, but his life requires it.

How much have I re-routed the natural straight line of my life by all my fears? That one over there hurt me so much once, I can never speak to him again. This one nearby has nothing noticeably questionable going on, but she doesn’t seem to know or agree that THAT one is dangerous, so they are likely in cahoots.

The one over there? Well, he reminds me of the first one, so I better avoid him jsut to be sure.

That’s a long way to walk to avoid getting hurt and being safe.

If there were a way to forgive past the part where I need to remember to protect myself, I could save a lot of time. I want to step off the curb to get where I want to go.