Have my own back

Something happened today. I could tell you what but it doesn’t matter. The specifics are unique and oh so uniform.

Someone said something that made me doubt myself.

There is a Greek chorus in my head waiting to perform when I doubt myself.

They were on a power ballad of JUST how much I suck, how irredeemable and intolerable I am.

I called someone. 

That helped a little. Then I talked to a person in my vicinity. That helped a little more.

My hands got cold and my shoulders clenched.

I didn’t want to feel that way.

Why did I fall right into that self doubt? A very familiar bog. I know it’s stenchy pools well

I was desperate for someone else to give me affirmation. 

“You’re ok”

I wasn’t giving it to myself.

So the tepid conversations I’d had didn’t do it.

I guess sometimes I’m going to fall in the mud.

I will try to have some mercy on myself. I need it especially right then


Someone asked me what my job was yesterday.

I said I help import consumer electronics and musical instruments from China.

“That’s cool!”

Hm. I guess it is.

I haven’t written about my jobby job directly on this blog in a long time. I felt gagged for a long time, and then before that a little wary of being indiscreet.

But. This part of my job is not indiscreet.

When I am working with a team in China, they are on a different time zone, and a different day.

Thursday, therefore, is special.

I think often of the Truman Capote, and his words in Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Holly Golightly: Thursday! It can’t be! It’s too gruesome!

Thursday in California is the last workday in china. I must make sure to get whatever communications that are necessary to the China team on Thursday, because on Friday it will be Saturday in China.

Thursday has extra franticness…and Friday is a little calmer.

Monday is 2 days worth of emails.

That’s the day today. A little gruesome.