The summer solstice was the hottest day of the year so far, into the hundreds.

First day of summer, as they say. It is the longest day, the most sunlight of any day of the year.

There is a huge fire down the road. The sun is cloaked in smoke and looks eerie.

I don’t like it. Then again there hasn’t been much I have liked this week.

I’ve been pushing myself too hard. There is a very mean person inside my head that is not satisfied with anything I do.

It’s not enough. 

It’s never enough.

Of course, I believed this voice. And got more and more uncomfortable.

This weekend the only Thing I wanted to do was escape. I mean , I wanted to accomplish all those things that voice in my head was screaming at me to DO. But rather quickly and to my own self recrimination, I devolved into binge watching Amazon prime videos.

Monday roared back with even more pressure, and I was squirming.

This was not working. How could I get out of this rut?

I’d finally recognized it as a rut. and seen my tv watching doe what it was:

Escape

And not from my life, which wasn’t that bad. From MYSELF.

If watching reruns on TV was what it took to quiet that never-satisfied voice in my head, that was exactly what I would do.

Faced with that harpy and no distraction on Monday morning, I was forced to contemplate other possibilities.

To try to come up with positive things to say and feel about myself.

Some ruts need to be abandoned posthaste.

It’s been a long day but I’m lighting a single candleholder light the end of the tunnel.

Tomorrow is another day. I’m going to bring in some mercy reinforce tsp and find a better rut.