It was a busy day today

And HOT.

It got up into the triple digits all of a sudden.

THere were a set of crises at work, and then some personal goals I had to move forward.

And then a party. Veronica’s school had an end-of-the-year party, with a DJ

I would have enjoyed it more if it hadn’t been so hot.

And still it was amazing.

Then we came home to put an exhausted and over excited daughter to bed.

FINALLY I get to be with my husband. And we have a lot of exciting things to talk about.

and I’m tired too. but I don’t want to stop talking.

That’s a pretty good day.

Something happened today. I could tell you what but it doesn’t matter. The specifics are unique and oh so uniform.

Someone said something that made me doubt myself.

There is a Greek chorus in my head waiting to perform when I doubt myself.

They were on a power ballad of JUST how much I suck, how irredeemable and intolerable I am.

I called someone. 

That helped a little. Then I talked to a person in my vicinity. That helped a little more.

My hands got cold and my shoulders clenched.

I didn’t want to feel that way.

Why did I fall right into that self doubt? A very familiar bog. I know it’s stenchy pools well

I was desperate for someone else to give me affirmation. 

“You’re ok”

I wasn’t giving it to myself.

So the tepid conversations I’d had didn’t do it.

I guess sometimes I’m going to fall in the mud.

I will try to have some mercy on myself. I need it especially right then

Someone asked me what my job was yesterday.

I said I help import consumer electronics and musical instruments from China.

“That’s cool!”

Hm. I guess it is.

I haven’t written about my jobby job directly on this blog in a long time. I felt gagged for a long time, and then before that a little wary of being indiscreet.

But. This part of my job is not indiscreet.

When I am working with a team in China, they are on a different time zone, and a different day.

Thursday, therefore, is special.

I think often of the Truman Capote, and his words in Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Holly Golightly: Thursday! It can’t be! It’s too gruesome!

Thursday in California is the last workday in china. I must make sure to get whatever communications that are necessary to the China team on Thursday, because on Friday it will be Saturday in China.

Thursday has extra franticness…and Friday is a little calmer.

Monday is 2 days worth of emails.

That’s the day today. A little gruesome.

It’s been a meme on the Internet for at least a decade. There was even a hit song made out of it. It ends with “dance like no one is watching.”

Me? I like to dance like everyone is watching. I love to dance and I am not shy.

But I get it. Expressions of joy and creativity are frightening, and it is often easier to imagine you are alone.

My daughter had a talent show last week. We heard about it last minute, and she had already said what she wanted.

“I want to sing.” And she wanted to sing her own song.

“It should start out romantic, and then turn rocky.”

Daddy handed her off to me.

I was going to help her write a song, an original song to make her vision come true.

Yes, it was impossible and ridiculous.

But if she wanted to do it, I was going to make it happen.

I found a sound track that was free for re-use and close enough to what she wanted.

The biggest constraint was that the talent show only allowed 3 minutes. But the track fit that constraint.

Next were words. I asked her what she wanted to sing about.

“The starry night. And how the moon is beautiful. I am in love with the moon and I want to marry the moon.”

So I gave her a microphone (a prop) and let her freestyle it.

She sang low, and it wasn’t her best singing. She can sing better than that.

So we took it through again, and I had her sing higher. That was a little better.

We talked about what sorts of words she could sing. She had a lot of ideas. I tried to see if we could hone in on a few.

We did practice repeating phrases throughout. It was pretty great! She just said the same thing, but it was melodic.

She said she wanted to sing whatever she was thinking.
“But won’t you be nervous, and forget what you were going to say when you are in front of people?”

She thought about that.

So we practiced a few nights.

Then the talent show happened.

She was not nervous. She sang what was on her mind, straight into the real microphone. She did sing low and off key, like I’d been trying to help her avoid. Yet she had her hand on her hip, and did spontaneous twirls where appropriate.

She sang and danced like everyone was looking, because that was exactly what she wanted.

Afterwards, she solicited fans.

“Mommy! I have 6 fans!”

Not once was she shy or embarrassed.

That talent show was a safe place. She didn’t have to fool herself into thinking no one was listening. She knew that everyone was listening and everyone loved it, loved her.

I would that the whole world could be that for all of us.

Seth Godin says that everyone should write in their blog daily.

i used to do that.

I stopped because people stopped coming.

But just because i”m not on a stage doesn’t mean i stop singing. I sing in stairwells and walkiing down the hall.

I dont’ know. Maybe I should start blogging daily again.

It could be fun.