apocalypse adjacent

Comedian Dana Gould said that phrase and it made me laugh. And it made me think.

I’ve had a number of personal apocalypse experiences. The most recent and lingering was about 2 years ago. A perfect storm hollowed me out.

I imagined myself an eight-year old girl, small skinny and dark, lying on the cold ground with no coat in the mud. I’d been kicked, beaten and starved, but I imagined I laughed. Maniacal laughter, but victorious.

You think you got me? I am not done yet. I am going to triumph. It’s what I do.

That was my imagination. It takes a lot of work and time to triumph.

I staggered on. I got up and staggered. and I kept staggering.

And the pages fell from the calendar. Eventually I noticed that that days were not triumphant. I thought, “I need to not focus on the negative. I should cherish the happy moments.” So I looked for the happy moments, for cherishing purposes.

They took a long time to come. After a few weeks, I wrote

HAPPY

on the calendar in red letters. Because that day I had felt happy once on that day. And I wanted to remember it, and see how long it was until the next time.

During this apocalypse, I gave up this blog. I ask you, how am I supposed to survive an apocalypse if I can’t blog it? Not a good disaster recovery plan. I think I could have recovered faster if I’d stuck it out.

I kept reading. Because i always keep reading. But instead of fiction books that tell true things about the human experience, I had to run for cover. I had to KNOW that human would win over adversity.

I needed a hero.

Dragons, magic, forces of good and evil and

TRIUMPH

No losing. Winning. Always. Never any doubt.

Because in my life there was doubt. And doubt is for the losers when the apocalypse comes.

I needed to be sure. So I found the books that were. And I didn’t stop reading them. Fortunately, there seem to be enough of us needing that reassuring to keep them in circulation.

I don’t usually try to be escapist. But this was an emergency. Dive into fantasy worlds and don’t come out. And naps were important. Whenever possible. Because I needed to reconnect the broken bits, and rest was required.

It took so long, but I have strung together a chain of happy days. I can feel them regularly, pretty much back to touching happy at least every day.

I owe that to my friends who kept in touch and talked and talked and talked and talked with me.

But I haven’t hit triumph yet.

I look at that two-years past imaginary me, muddy and bruised and crying and laughing in the face of the persecuters. I think, it wasn’t easy. I didn’t think it would take this long. And I’m still walking.

At least I’m not staggering. But I want the story to tie up into a triumph bow.

Let’s get to the triumphant part.