doctors questionnaires

So, on her three week a versery, Veronica got to go down to the doctors.

She is growing, and inch and a half longer..and she’s heavier. Up from 8 lbs 10 to 9 lbs 1.5

That’s good. I guess she’s thriving.

But there was a huge page of questions for me. Am I drinking or taking drugs? Do I leave this child unattended on high surfaces? Do I get adequate explanation on how to use the medications that were prescribed to me?

NO to all.

And then:

Are you feeling blue?

Feeling? Blue?

Is blue the color you see when you are trapped inside the cylinder of a tornado? Red, gray, black, maybe. No, not feeling blue.

But yesterday, she was screaming for a bit, so I decided if she was going to scream I might as well let her scream to some fun music. I put on some sing-along 80s music and held her close while I danced and sang.

RIght when it came to the part where I could sing along, I was busting out with the chorus and my voice disappeared. It was the fun part.

I hadn’t had a feeling a fun since…well at least since Veronica had been born.

So that thought required a certain amount of tears, which certainly have been present since V has been born.

Then it made me feel mad, because, dammit, I am going to find a way back to, a way back to happy…if it kills me.

And i realized that this state of affairs could be part of why I’m having so much trouble feeling optimistic. So I guess I can remember that I should not forget to get happy at least a little bit every day, until it comes back naturally.

I think it will.

GoodBye Mac

Today, we got a call from Judy, my mother-in-law.

It appears that her dog, Mac, is finally on his last legs. She needed Chris to come help take him to the vet.

His last trip.

Here is a my post showing that brave, cheerful dog, who is now lost to us:

upped the ante

sitting here watching the 400,000 rerun of Law & Order, the thgought that things are never going to be easy again entered my mind.

Naturally, I cannot help but see all the projects I’ve left unfinished and all the things I’d like to organize. Which I cannot finish or organize right now. I thought “Things that get put down in a place where they don’t belong are probably going to stay in that place for…years.”

Naturally, that made me get up and start putting things away.

I have to remember, things are changing. But in all directions.

I actually got Veronica to hang out in a Snugli today. Mostly, I think it had to do with my strength. I finally had the ability to carry her and do other things. It is very freeing. I even trimmed a bush out front that has been bugging me since before Christmas.

Maybe things won’t go entirely to chaos.

a day at a time? i don’t think so

She’s 19 days old.

It feels like a lot longer. The fact is, the days is too large a portion to swallow. I live by the 3 hour feeding  cycle.

so my days are 3 hours long…meaning each day is actually 8 days in newborn years. that means i’ve been home with her for…152 days.

That sounds right

parade of Grandparents

Yesterday, Veronica’s grandparents all came to visit, pretty much unplanned and unbeknownst to each other.

Chris’s mom had already volunteered to come help out…which meant holding the baby while I took a nap.

She held the baby like a pro. And I realized that i hadn’t given Veronica away to be held for more than…oh…20 minutes since she was born. My arms felt very empty and I felt almost panicky. But I lay down and managed a nap for about a half hour.

I didn’t think I would sleep, but I knew i had to try.

See, I had called my mom the day before and just cried at her about how hard this was and how I had not sleep and how I was overwhelmed with anxiety at all the responsibility of this little life. She booked a hotel and was driving down to help out over her three day weekend.

So, Chris’s mom held my baby, and I knew that even if I couldn’t fall asleep that day, I had to stay awake and get used to someone else taking care of the baby so that I could fall asleep the next day.

I did sleep for about a half hour, and that was good.

What with all the grandparents coming through and holding my child, she slept a lot…lap naps. I was worried (what CAN’T I worry about right now?) that she wouldn’t sleep through the night. She seemed to have slept all day.

But she slept fine. And I slept better, too. Just sharing the load a little made a big difference.

best fun EVER

taken on her 2 weeks birthday, this is pretty much what veronica considers the height of entertainment:


“moving my arm..and the other arm…and feet! and legs!  aaaahhhh… wait…do I see something?”

She doesn’t really interact with toys yet…but maybe I should get her a rattle…That might go over big

Extra pillow, and voila!

It was a pretty good night, and it was made so much more so by my realization that with the addition of a pillow, the big chair i’ve been nursing V on is possible to *also* fall asleep on.

Yay! I feel like I’m double dipping from the sleep jar.

tight as a piano wire

She slept good last night, but i was so traumatized by the night before I could barely relax to enjoy it.
Chris did start to give her a bottle; but she called him a fraud and accused hum of trying to kill her. she knew very well he was not a source of food!!
It traumatized both of us, all the more because we saw how it made the other feel. HE knew i needed his help but his daughter wasn’t letting him. I saw how my soft-hearted was beingt verbally abused.
He gave up gave me the bottle. She took it fairly readily, with only a few screams. Then I handed her back to him so I could try the new electric breast pump.
My courage failed at first,  this thing was a monster. But i rallied and managed to hook it up and ‘express’ an ounce.
In the middle, V was screaming from the bedroom with daddy, who after a time joinefd and sent out an sos. I called out that he could bring her into the living room. Hr couldn’t hear me,
But the squalling died down, and I finished and unhooked myself. then realzed i had no plan for where to store the stuff.
In the end she slept better than any other night ever; probably because sha had not napped

2 week-iversary

two weeks of new life in my family

Veronica has learned most significantly to go from zero to purple faced shriek in no time this colic?  or infant personality?

I bought 2 nights of almost enough sleep by supplementing with formula (takes longer to digest, therefore she sleeps longer) . But the system broke down last night and we celebrated her birth with an all-nighter.

She hasn’t learned to focus her eyes, so ‘playing’ with her isn’t poosible. Daddy does enjoy her kung-fu grip, but that’s as far as it goes.

I did learn that i have to beat the crap out of her to get her to burp…poor thing! But i guess burping is necessary.

Round about five AM when I was *still* up with V and serving as pacifier replacer every 30 seconds, I grabbed pencil and notebook to regroup.

You can’t know what to expect till you get to the top of the hill. I can see the other side now, and the other side says “Nights do not belong to the sleeping anymore..” I can’t control if she will sleep, but I can use the resources to share this burden. She needs me so much, I have to make sure I stay well as part of her upkeep, leave aside my own.

So…Bottles are going to play a large part in our lives now. I woke up Chris a few hours later and said “You will be feeding your daughter today.”

The pilliow muffled his answer, but we came up with a plan, and he’s off getting a breast pump

and more pacifiers

So I looked down at this child who lefty my womb 14 days ago, but who really hasn’t left my stomach since I’ve been holding her so incessantly, and said “Kid, we are your parents and we can take whatever you throw at us. As long as we stick together.”

Mom status

Chris held Veronica yesterday for me, so I could take a shower.  He was in bed, and holding little V while he watched Bloomberg news channel as he does every morning when he wakes up. I came back in a towel to hear him say to her: “Look at you making frowny faces. You are so serious! ‘We shall fight them on the beaches; we shall fight them in the crib…'”

Then he saw me. “What? all babies look like Winston Churchill”

We’ve been practicing referring to each other as mommy and daddy. It’s weird, but we’re getting used to it. It’s only been a week and..some days. My days are counted out in 3 hour sections; that’s how often I have to feed my child day or night. So, calendar days seem impossible to get my head around.

Everyone says that being a parent is amazing. Of course, saying something like that never prepared a person for it. Yes, it’s a lot of work. And yes, she is precious and adorable. And none of those sentences deserve to be written because they don’t get close to containing the meaning–the reality of it.

This weekend over-stressed me and therefore Veronica. My body is on some strange auto-pilot (lactatation being the most obvious symptom) and Veronica is just so new to the world that it doesn’t take much to throw  either or both of us off.  So, since Saturday night she has been experiencing intestinal distress.

Poor thing! I could hear her tummy gurgling, and I could definitely hear her screams. She could not calm down, she would not go to sleep. So the first night you think it’s just that one time. But it went on and I was ragged.

The responsibility of it hits me. I have to help her. She needs me.  I have to be aware of all her needs even before she is. So her screams and lack of sleep for both of us took it’s toll.

In the end, I finally decided that I needed to do SOMETHING. Poking around on the internet I got an idea of what was wrong and hit upon a solution. I tried it and GLORY BE, she slept very well last night.

So did I. I hope it keeps up.